The Feff Story
The Story of Feff

On a cold and grey Chicago morning, another little baby was born in the ghetto. And his mother cried. For if there was one thing that she didn't need, it was another hungry mouth to feed in the ghetto. So she did what every loving mother would do, and sold him for beer money. Thus began the never ending journey of Feff.

The infant boy was bought by a young, struggling comedy troupe for twenty dollars and a set of white-walls. Emmanuel, the self appointed leader of the troupe, decided to name the child Jeff, after guitar legend Jeff Beck. Unfortunately there was a typo in his birth certificate, and he would be forever known as Feff.

Growing up, Feff travelled around the country with his adopted family. As they performed, he did odd jobs to earn some extra cash. He mined coal in Pennsylvania, havested wheat in Kansas, herded sheep in Iowa, and shot buffaloes in Wyoming. Feff saved his money, and wisely invested it in stocks and government bonds. It was not long before he had amassed a small fortune. Although Feff loved his family dearly- Emmanuel, little Raul, Malcolm, Queen Lil, and Uncle Leroy- he knew that eventually he would have to leave them. One day Uncle Leroy found a note on the kitchen table which read: "Went for milk, probably won't ever come back- Feff." Tears flowed freely as the reat of the troupe saw the letter. Malcolm summed up the opinion of all when he sadly said, "Dammit! We just wasted twenty bucks and a good set of white walls!"

Feeling the strangle hold of American taxes, Feff knew he had to leave the country. Thus he did what any teenage millionaire would do, and bought a boat and set sail for the Falkland Islands. It was a rough voyage, but using his knowledge of stars that he obtained from years of reading astronomy books on the toilet, he was able to safely navigate himself to his destination. During a cool April morning, Feff awoke to see the white sandy beaches of Stanley, the capital and largest city of the Falkland Islands.

Feff quickly established himself on the islands, and rapidly earned the trust and respect of the natives. Through hard work and determination he built up his empire, and he tasted the fruits of his labor when he opened Feff World, a Civil War theme park with wet and wacky water slides. Tourists from all over the world flocked to the Falkland Islands and to Feff World. At only 5'4", Feff was bigger than Jesus.

What goes up must come down, and that is what happened when young Gustav was hurled from the Battle of Antietam roller coaster. Gustav broke his neck, and Feff was paralyzed by financial debt. Feff World was closed down, and Feff was left with nothing except one very special possesion: a banjo.

Feff packed up his banjo and his last hopes, and snuck on a cargo plane headed for the jungles of Africa. In Africa, Feff traveled among the native tribes playing his banjo. In no time he became a favorite on the continent, selling out venue after venue. He needed one thing to get him back on top, and that came in the form of FeffStock, a three day banjo festival for peace and profit. With the proceeds from FeffStock, Feff was able to buy a personal computer and a ticket to America. The possibilities were endless.

In America, Feff decided to open another Feff World, this time on the web. The new Feff World was once agin a place where tourists from all over the world could flock, but this time no one could get hurt. Feff was back on top for good, and it felt good.

Somewhere in Chicago, Emmanuel walked into his kitchen and found a gallon of milk, twenty dollars, and a set of white-walls.