The Race For President
You crouch down in a bush, waiting for President Clinton to jog by. You have a lead pipe in your hand, and figure that when Clinton runs by, you'll jump out of the bush and whack him over the head with the pipe, and then run away before any Secret Service agents can catch you. You start feeling anxious as you hear the weazing of Clinton's breath.
When Clinton reaches the bush, you jump out swinging your pipe. Unfortunately in all your haste you miss him completely. Clinton grabs the pipe with his right hand, and clocks you in the face with his left. You fall to the ground in pain, knowing that the President probably shattered your nose. The last thing you remember, two over-zealous Secret Service agents draw their guns, and riddle your body with bullets.
You die instantly. They don't hold a funeral for you, and no one misses you. The Secret Service agents just dump your body in the Potomac River to cover-up the whole incident. With you dead, your lawyer follows the provision in your aunt's will, and gives all her money to her favorite charity, The Association for Retired Donkey-Basketball Players. Hopefully they will have better luck running for president than you did.