The Official Feff World Quiz The Official Feff World Quiz

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Part I:
Directions: Complete questions 1-35 of Part I by honestly selecting the phrase that you would most likely choose to complete the sentence. You will have fifteen minutes to complete Part I. Do not start until instructed by your test supervisor. When you complete Part I of the test, STOP. Go back and check your answers. Do not go on to Part II. Any violation of this rule and your score will be made null and void.

1. God is ______.
all powerfull
Ed Vergano

2. If you found a $100 bill, you would ________.
keep it
try to find its rightful owner
fold it into an origami cup and drink a shot of vodka out of it

3. The Greatest day of your life was _______.
your wedding
the birth of your son/daughter
when you saw Dick Cavett outside some hotel in New York

4. The best movie you ever saw was __________.
Citizen Kane
Gone With the Wind
Joe Versus the Volcano

5. When you think of male sex symbols you think of __________.
James Dean
Brad Pitt
Chris Elliot

6. You family is most like __________.
the Cleaver's
the Simpson's
the Manson's

7. Chocolate is __________.
something you can't get enough of
something you're allergic to
a key ingredient in building a pipe-bomb

8. Golf is __________.
a game you like to play
a game you like to watch
the root of all evil

9. O.J. Simpson is __________.
a real snappy dresser

10. Books are __________.
fun to read
fun to burn
a good place to hide contraband

11. President Clinton is __________.
doing a good job
blocking the Republican Revolution
the father of your illegitimate child

12. Monkeys are __________.
cute and playful
dirty and smelly
a good source of protein

13. When you think of black leaders you think of __________.
Martin Luther King Jr.
Malcolm X
Fred "Re-Run" Berry

14. Bill Gates will __________.
have continued success
eventually fall from the top
invade Poland on June 15th, 1998

15. Elvis is __________.
who you voted for in the past five presidential elections

16. Chinese people are __________.
short and funny looking
good ping-pong players
digging irrigation ditches in your back yard

17. Tofu is __________.
disgusting and tastes like crap
the name of your first born

18. Your idea of good music is __________.
The Beatles
The Rolling Stones
The Plastic Ono Band

19. Ozone __________.
is being destroyed by CFC's
is a renewable resource
gives a good buzz when you inhale it

20. Dogs are __________.
Man's best friend
dumb and hard to take care of
equal to white people

21. The movie Harry and the Hendersons __________.
made you laugh
made you cry
convinced you to quit your job and hunt the Yeti

22. Pete Rose __________.
should be in the Hall of Fame
should not be in the Hall of Fame
still owes you $100 from the last time you went golfing

23. Money __________.
is the source of happiness
can't buy you love
is what you call your best friend Tito

24. Monica Seles is __________.
a great tennis player
not as good as Martina Navratiola was in her prime
really a Hispanic guy named Raul

25. Hard core gangster rap __________.
should be censored
is a reflection of life in the ghetto
stimulates development if played to babies while still in the womb

26. Michael Jackson is __________.
the king of pop
a child molestor
first in line to buy your grandmother's remains

27. Howard Stern is __________.
the king of all media
an obnoxious pig
nude on a poster hanging over your bed

28. Gatorade __________.
is the ultimate thirst quencher
tastes like piss
is a cheap alternative to gasoline

29. Nine Inch Nails __________.
represents the future in music
just make a lot of noise
played at your son's Bar Mitzvah

30. UFO's __________.
are real
are fake
landed on your marijuana patch and kidnapped your Uncle Tubby

31. The Police __________.
are there to protect you
are out to get you
also played at your son's Bar Mitzvah

32. David Brinkley __________.
is getting too old for his job
still has a few good years in him
would probably look good in a Speedo

33. Albert Einstein was __________.
a genius
responsible for the development of the Atomic Bomb
a pioneer in the game of Jai Lai

34. Cows are __________.
a main source of milk
a main source of beef
a main source of cheap labor in your gun factory

35. Your idea of a good time is __________.
watching re-runs of Full House
building the Manhattan skyline out of toothpicks
a bottle of Scotch and a visit to Feff World


Part II:
Directions: Complete questions 36-50 of Part II by honestly responding to each statement by choosing the best statement from these choices:

a) You strongly disagree.
b) You're a moron and have no opinon.
c) You strongly agree.

You'll have five minutes to complete Part II. Do not start until instrusted by your test supervisor. When you finish Part II, you can go back and check your answers in Part II. You are not permitted to go back to Part I. Any violation of this rule and your score will be made null and void.

36. There was some pretty bad music in the 80's.
37. Steven Wright is the funniest human on Earth.
38. Richard Bey should run for president.
39. Shakespeare was overrated.
40. Public schools are trying to create a Socialist New World Order.
41. There is no such thing as a funny female stand-up comedian.
42. Tom Hanks was better in The Money Pit than in Philadelphia or Forrest Gump.
43. Martin Luther King Jr. was a puppet of the White Man.
44. Ice Cube should start singing Broadway show tunes.
45. The U.S. should invade Canada just to keep them on their toes.
46. Ted Williams would be a .250 hitter at best if he played today.
47. New Jersey should secede from the Union.
48. 1972 was the best year for rock music.
49. If Abe Lincoln lived today, he would be playing for the Dallas Mavericks.
50. Ed Vergano is God!!!!!!!

You have now completed the Feff World quiz. Place your pencil on your desk and wait for your supervisor to collect your answer sheet. Do not open your test booklet. Do not attempt to change any answers. Any violation of this rule and your score will be made null and void.