Weekly Whack: I Don't Want My M.T.V.
I Don't Want My M.T.V.
October 1, 1995

In the early eighties, a bunch of geniuses got together and came up with the concept of a cable television station that would play music videos 24-7. It was every music lovers dream. Music Television (M.T.V.) was born and it grew into a big hit. Being a fan of music, I jumped on the M.T.V. band-wagon and rode it through the latter years of the eighties. However now when I turn on M.T.V. it makes me sick. Something happened during the course of time that caused M.T.V. to go from a television trailblazer to a bastion of liberalism and bad programming.

Does anybody here remember when M.T.V. used to play strictly videos? Well if you do then you probably watch VH1 now anyway. Back in the day I used to come home from school and do my homework while having M.T.V. on in the background. Now if I try that now, I get bombarded by Sandblast, The Grind, and re-runs of The Real World. And when they do play videos they're segragated now into half hour shows like M.T.V. Jams and Alternative Nation. It used to be that you could see videos from Run D.M.C., Motley Crew, and Debbie Gibson all in a row. But as I mentioned before the worst features of this new M.T.V. are its bad programming and its blantant liberalism. I'll start by briefly running down some of great shows found on M.T.V.

The Real World: Throw together a bunch of people with nothing in commmon, except age, in a lavishly furnished house and what do get? If you're a M.T.V. exec it is ratings, if you are me it is a waste of a half-hour. This show is sadistic, they pick people hoping that they will end up killing each other. But actually come to think of it, that would be kinda neat, if there actually was a murder on The Real World. Like if Puck came back after being thrown out of the house with a Glock and started taking out people left and right. I don't know about you but I would watch that episode. I wonder if the camera men would try and stop him. But besides that, I'm still waiting for the first Real World love child. I thought it could have happened with Eric Nies and the one girl, who I can't remember because she doesn't have her own show, but I was out of luck.

Road Trip: A spin-off of The Real World, with a bunch of people in a Winnebago going all over the country solving clues. I don't watch it because one, I have a life, and two, it's an hour long and I don't have that long of an attention span.

Singled Out: Another in the long line of great M.T.V. game shows. There will never be another Remote Control, so M.T.V. should stop trying. Remember that one game show where they smashed up the contestant's prized possesions? What the hell was that? That lasted a whole four episodes. But anyway, Singled Out is a version of the dating game with one male or female picking his or her date from a pool of fifty sex crazed females or males, by narrowing them through categories such as height or chest size. Now I think it would be cool if one of the categories is race, since not everybody is as tolerant as myself. Some girl would say "O.K. lets go to race." The host would then go, "O.K. who do you want to keep, Ace of Spades or Casper the Ghost?" The girl would then reply, "Well I'm from the South and we don't like those kind down there, so lets get rid of Ace of Spades." Then a bunch of angry black men would walk down the stage, cursing as they past the girl, and some huge race riot would break out. Once again, I don't know about you, but I would watch that episode.

Sandblast: Yet another game show with a bunch of people in bathing suits competing aginst each other in American Gladiator style events on the beach. Can't say much more because I don't watch it.

M.T.V. Oddities: M.T.V. Oddities is a group of animated series featuring The Head, The Maxx, and Aeon Flux. It takes me about three minutes of watching Oddities before wondering, "What the hell is this shit all about." Maybe I don't understand it because unlike the average M.T.V. viewer, I don't smoke pot.

Now there are some qualities shows on M.T.V., like The State, which is leaving M.T.V., and Beavis and Butthead, which got censored and thrown into a bad time slot. But now I think I'll turn my discussion of all the liberalism found on M.T.V.

Who the hell do Kurt Loder and Tabitha Soren think they are? Who cares about their political commentary? They're over-glorified V.J.'s, not Dan Rather and Babara Walters. They complain about Bob Dole speaking out on censoring videos, on the same network that won't let Beavis say the word fire. As George Carlin used to say, "There is no room for a double-standard, one standard is good enough." Although Kurt and Tabitha may think so, not everyone who watches M.T.V. is a tree-hugging, recycled-paper using, pro-choice, politically correct, feminist, liberal. When I watch The Week in Rock or M.T.V. News I want to hear about Courtney Love being found passed out in her hotel room, or Snoop Doggy Dogg latest legal battles. I don't want to hear about some kid who is going to the Supreme Court because his school won't let him dye his hair red, and I don't care about what Newt Gingrich and the Republican Congress said or did that Kurt and Tabitha didn't agree with. If I want to be informed I watch C.N.N. and listen to professionals. It is a sick world when these people have their own forum and they influence the way American teenagers think. I just want to go up to Kurt and Tabitha, slap them around a little, and say, "Shut the hell up and play more Skee Lo!!!!" I wish M.T.V. still had V.J.'s like J.J. Jackson, Martha Quinn, and Mark Goodman (whose father-in-law is bowling great Mr. Jeff Thomas). Back in the eighties they didn't complain about Reagan, they just kept quiet and played Billie Jean fifteen times a day.

Well I think I said enough for now, even though I didn't even mention Kennedy. So to conclude, Adam Sandler was better on Remote Control than on Saturday Night Live, there's no more music on "Music" Television, and Martha Quinn could take Tabitha Soren in a ten-round boxing match.

Now for this week's special feature, Feff's Ten Most Wanted Jams of all time:

10. Bust a Move (Young MC)
9. Funky Cold Medina (Tone Loc)
8. The Humpty Dance (Digital Underground)
7. 911's a Joke (Public Enemy)
6. Mentirosa (Mellow Man Ace)
5. Power (Snap)
4. It's Tricky (Run DMC)
3. Wild Wild West (Kool Moe Dee)
2. Momma Juanita (The 2 Live Crew)
1. We're All in the Same Gang (West Coast Rap All Stars)