This week I was going to do a Whack on Halloween, but I decided that I would wait until after Halloween; so you can expect that next week. As for this week, I thought I would share with you a letter that I wrote to my high school principal, Mr. Roy DiFranco, concerning the issue of violence in our school.
Dear Mr. DiFranco:
As a proud student in my senior year here at the fine bastion of academia know as Hopatcong High School, I am becoming increasingly dismayed at the influx of violence found in its hallowed halls. When I walk down C-wing I frequently witness violent scenes that could be coming straight out of some David Attenborough B.B.C. nature special. Students are fighting students, teachers are fighting students, administrators are fighting teachers, and everybody are getting their licks in on the poor janitors.
At first I was puzzled at what was the cause of this great increase in violence, but then I out the pieces together and the solution came to me. The reason for this recent violence epidemic is the new addition of a bass drum to our high school marching band. I have been doing free-lance scientific research on violence in American high schools, and in all cases the culprit has been the bass drum. To prove my theory I used all the data I collected to derive the equation: V=(2B^2)+v . The violence index, V, which is measured from a scale of 0, meaning complete peace, to 75, meaning all out war, is equal to two times the number of bass drums, B, squared, plus the violence constant, v, which varies according to the size, location, and type of high school being studied. The violence constant for a public high school with around 500 students in a northeastern American suburb, like Hopatcong, is 2.1342. Therefore, last year, when we had no bass drum, our violence index was 2.1343; but this year, with the addition of a bass drum, our violence index rose to 4.1343. Thus one bass drum caused violence in our high school to nearly double.
I know that was a lot of math for a simple high school principal like yourself to understand, so I'll try to explain it in simpler terms. Private schools, like Delbarton High School, have very little violence because they have no marching bands and thus no bass drums. Urban public schools, like Passaic High School, have a great deal of violence because they usually have multiple bass drums in their marching bands. We just added a bass drum to our marching band, and already violence is increasing. The evidence to too great to ignore.
Now for my solution: replace our entire high school marching band with a couple of good banjo players. Violence can be in no way attributed to banjoes. When was the last time you heard of a fight breaking out at a square dance? So, to conclude, I urge you to ACT NOW! because right now we are only six bass drums away from Armageddon.
Yo Man Feff
Well to conclude for this week, Halloween must wait until next week, bass drums are the root of all evil, and chicks dig guys who can derive their own equations.
This week's very special feature is Feff's top ten favorite percussion instruments: