The Official Feff World SAT Course

I recently got back my scores from the Scholastic Aptitude Test that I took back in October and I improved my previous score by 120 points, shooting up to a 1460, 770 verbal, which pretty much means I kick ass. But now being a SAT legend people are hoarding me asking for advice. Everybody wants to know how I improved my score by a whopping 120 points in that short time from the last time I took them in May to October. Well the magician is ready to break his silence and give away all his secrets. As a service to all loyal Feff World visitors I will now explain how you too can raise you SAT scores. If you are already out of high school, you should copy this down and sell it to someone who still is.

O.K. there were a couple big factors that caused a difference between the scores of the first and second test. First of all, during the first test I was sitting behind a decent looking girl and she kind of distracted me during the entire test. She really broke my concentration and knocked a couple points off my score. The second test I sat behind my friend Steve, who is unpleasant to look at, and I was set to go. In addition, during the first test I forgot to go to the bathroom before the test and I had to take a nasty piss during the first few sections before the break. The second test I went to the bathroom right before the test, and just in case I came prepared with a handy colostomy bag. Lastly, during the first test I used a traditional wooden number two pencil. The only thing is that if the lead broke I had to quickly switch to a new pencil or get up and sharpen it. Thus, the second test I brought a plastic Bic number two mechanical pencil. Now everytime the lead broke all I did was click twice and I was back in business. With just a click click I got a 1460.

Many so called "experts" say that a good way to prepare for the verbal section of the SAT is to read a lot. Well let me be the first to tell you that that is a bunch of bullshit. I got a 770 verbal and I read three books my entire life, and one of them was The Wit and Wisdom of Yoggi Berra. You do not get anything out of reading that you can't get out of watching television. Countless hours of watching Beavis and Butthead is what helped me. And I didn't do any crossword puzzles to build my vocabulary. You don't have to be Noam frigging Chomsky to do a couple analogies. Whatever you do, don't waste your money on some SAT course or book promising a guaranteed increase. They are all a bunch of frauds. In my case, the least you prepare for the SAT, the better you'll do on it.

As for the math section, the least equations you know the better you will do, because instead of searching for a equation for each problem, you will realize that they can all be solved with simple logic. Also, never leave a answer blank. The majority of the SAT is luck, just one big crap shoot, and you got to be in it to win it. And the bigger calculator you have, the more confidence it will bring you. Leave your four-banger at home, if you can fit your calculator in your pocket then it is too small. My calculator was so big you could run Windows '95 on it. If I got done with a section early enough I could play Tetris on my calculator. I was downloading nude pictures of Alicia Silverstone on my calculator while everyone else was spelling out Shell Oil (71077345) on theirs.

Now for some final factors that may have not have affected my score on the second test: it was raining, I kept humming that one Sophie B. Hawkings song, I sat underneath the flag of Argentina, it was two days before my birthday, Joe Hewitt was not there, I was wearing low cut Nike tennis socks, and the message board in the Dover High School cafeteria, where I took the test, kept repeating the message: Good Luck Monifa!

Well I told you all my secrets of success, so I hope you found something to help you out. To conclude for this week, sit behind someone extremely ugly, bring a mechanical pencil, and DON'T FORGET THE COLOSTOMY BAG!!

Now for this week's special feature, the top ten more frequently used words of someone who got a 770 verbal on the SAT's:

10. zup
9. jabappy
8. dumb-ass
7. shut-up
6. hola
5. shit
4. diaper-dandy
3. fool
2. duckets
1. stuff