Happy Turkey Day

This past Thursday was of course Thanksgiving, so, since I like to stay topical, I figured I would write a Whack about all the pomp and majesty surrounding this joyful holiday.

The Thanksgiving tradition began many years ago back in England with a group of men called Pilgrims. You see, these Pilgrims didn't really care much for English women, (and who could blame them, I wouldn't be so fond of women who have more chins than teeth), so they left the country in search of better women. First they went to Holland because they heard there were some pretty fine Dutch women over there. Well the Dutch women were adverse to the idea of British guys, (you have to remember that this is before Sean Connery), and the Pilgrims left Holland empty handed. At this point the Pilgrims were pretty down on themselves, so they decided to take their boat, the Mayflower, and sail it off the end of the Earth, rather than go back and settle for English women.

En route to eternity, the Pilgrims hit Massachusetts, and they decided to stay there awhile and scope the action. Yet before they landed they drafted what was to be know as the Mayflower Compact. The Mayflower Compact, which was the inspiration of modern American democracy, said just one thing: Thy government of the Plymouth colony shall be formed towards accomplishing the end of finding a more perfect race of women. Well at first the Pilgrims had little luck with the opposite sex, and as the winter approached many of the settlers caught pneumonia from the multitude of cold showers they would take. Then a local Indian chief felt pity towards the Pilgrims and brought them a bunch of turkeys. However, despite great effort by the Pilgrims, the turkeys couldn't quench their sexual appetites. Finally, the chief brought some women from the tribe who cooked the turkeys, and then the Pilgrims and the Indians had a three-day orgy that became known as the First Thanksgiving.

Not too long after the First Thanksgiving, all the Indian women caught diseases and died, and the Pilgrims were back at square one. If that wasn't enough for the Pilgrims, soon English women came to join them in Plymouth. Right as all hope was lost, a man by the name of Leroy Macy came and saved the day. Mr. Macy, affectionately called Uncle Leroy by the Pilgrims, was a spy in England and sabotaged the blueprints for making blow-up dolls and brought them to Plymouth. Life on Plymouth was grand with the advent of the artificial blow-up woman, and eventually the colony flourished into the cradle of American democracy and rubber women, Massachusetts. To show what they were most thankful for, the Pilgrims would, once a year, parade around with their blow-up dolls, and this became what is now known as the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Well that is all I know about the history of Thanksgiving because my history teacher, Mr. Duncan, was thrown into jail before he could finish it. But I think you all can figure out the rest. Getting back to the present, Thanksgiving is an odd holiday because all it really involves is eating. There are no real ceremonies or fancy gimmicks behind Thanksgiving besides eating. In essence, Thanksgiving represents the American holiday at its simplest form: visiting family and eating. And call me a heretic or a Thanksgiving hater, but am I the only one who really does not care for turkey? Turkey meat has to be dryer than a A.A. meeting in the desert. Personally I prefer all the side dishes like the mash potatoes, yams, and stuffing. But this year, being 18, I wasn't nearly served up as much mash potatoes as reasons, by my Uncle, why I should join the Air Force. Although Top Gun was a excellent movie, the Air Force isn't the place for me being that I get queasy on the Tilt-o-Whirl. I could just see it, CNN puts some camera in my jet during some war, and the entire nation watches me hurl all over my cock-pit.

On that note I think I shall end for this week. So, in conclusion, English women have no teeth; Sean Connery was, and always will be, the only true James Bond; and never eat a corn-dog before flying a B-2 Bomber.

This week's very special feature is the top ten things that Feff is most thankful for this Thanksgiving:

10. Coach K is healthy
9. New Beavis episodes
8. Baseball season is over
7. Nobody close to me died
6. One more year, and I'm out of this stinking town
5. My rapidly developing hook shot
4. It's almost Christmas
3. Northwestern is going to the Rose Bowl
2. Joe got a car, so now he can visit us more often!!!!!
1. I'm beautiful, and chicks dig me