War Stories From the Blizzard of 1996

If you are like me, and live in the northeast of America, you pretty much got a whole crap load of snow dumped on you this past week. I think we got something like around thirty inches (approximately 77 centimeters for those freaks who still use the metric system) up here, or down here if you live in New England or Canada, in Hopatcong, New Jersey. Being that I only had to go to school a total of nine hours this week, as a result of the Blizzard of '96 and a small storm Friday morning, I had a lot of free time on my hands, yet ironically I was stuck home to deal with it. So I decided to keep a journal of my struggles this week (kinda like a modern day Anne Frank), and for this Whack I will share it with you.

Sunday, January 7th:

12:30 pm- Wake up with a throbbing headache from the night before. Don't know where I am, how I got there, or whose dress I am wearing. All around me are empty bottles of pineapple soda, and I hear loud Mexican music coming from the room next to me. It's snowing out, so I better get home.
1:00 pm- Some guy named Tito takes me home in his El Camino low-rider. Whenever I ask him about he night before, he just smiles and says, "Su es un hombre loco."
2:00 pm- Get home, take a shower, and sit down to write the Whack. Can't really think straight, so I just throw together some crap about movies. Hopefully it won't disappoint the twenty people who read it.
3:30 pm- It's still snowing out. I thought it was gonna be warm this weekend. When is it gonna stop? I call my Uncle Tubby who is a amateur meteorologist; he like has his own barometer and stuff. He says we're gonna get around 75 centimeters of snow (I forgot to mention that he is also foreign). I ask him how much that is in inches, and he says around 30. I call him a drunken bastard and hang up on him.
5:00 pm- Feeling hungry, so I make myself microwave miniature egg rolls. Can't decide whether red or white wine goes with it, so I have root beer instead.
6:00 pm- Stretch out on the couch, and watch Bob Vila's Home Again on A&E. Take notes for when I build my own house. During the commercial I flip on the news and count as a weather man uses the phrase "Blizzard of '96" twenty-five times in three minutes.
6:15 pm- Fall asleep with clicker in one hand and my revised blue-prints in the other.
8:00 pm- Brother wakes me up and informs me that they closed the schools for tomorrow. I have trouble believing him because he is a bigger liar than Hillary Clinton (the other day he actually tried to get me to believe that the Colts made the Playoffs). We watch The Simpsons together. I laugh at Apu, he is funny.
8:30 pm- Begin to watch Martin.
8:31 pm- Fall asleep.

Monday, January 8th:
9:00 am- Wake up. Look outside and see more white than a crowd at a hockey game. Make some quick calculations and determine that we got around thirty inches on snow. Say to myself: "Damn, that is a lot of snow."
9:30 am- Shower, get dressed, and eat a bowl of Fruity Pebbles. Go outside and begin to shovel my driveway.
6:45 pm- Finish shoveling my driveway. I can't feel my toes.
7:00 pm- Go inside and watch The Simpsons. Apu isn't in this one. I am disappointed.
7:30 pm- My brother once again informs me that they closed the schools for tomorrow. I say: "Cool."
8:00 pm- Turn on my computer and decide to play solitaire to pass the time.
11:00 pm- Three hours later, I finally win a game of solitaire. I'm so happy I run around the room like a naked Indian. I do the Ickey Shuffle and spike my mouse.

Tuesday, January 9th:
1:00 am- Finally end my victory celebration after I can no longer remember what I was celebration about. Fall asleep.
11:30 am- Wake up, take a shower, blah, blah, blah.
12:00 pm- Since the driveway is already clear and it is no longer snowing, I decide and go out and play in the snow.
12:30 pm- Repeatedly jump off my deck into the snow.
1:30 pm- Begin to make a snowman.
1:32 pm- Get frustrated and stop making snowman.
2:30 pm- Try to make a snow angel, and I sink in the snow and get stuck. I can't feel my toes. I'm scared.
6:30 pm- My brother finally hears my screams and pulls me out of the snow. For the third time in three days he informs me that they closed the schools for tomorrow. I scream: "WHY?!!!"
7:00 pm- Go inside and watch The Simpsons. Apu has a funny line. I laugh.
7:30 pm- Call my friend Sticky and discuss life, love, and the odds of Kentucky covering the point spread at Mississippi State. Decide to put a ten-timer on Miss. State.
11:30 pm- Still on the phone with Sticky watching the SportsTicker on Headline News. Kentucky wins, but doesn't cover. I'm happy.

Wednesday, January 10th:
12:30 am- Finally get off the phone, and go to bed.
11:30 am- Wake up and realize I have absolutely nothing to do today.
12:00 pm- Consider reading a book, but then I remember that I don't read books.
12:30 pm- Get really bored. Decide I have well over enough material for a Whack so I stop keeping this journal.

O.K., that is all for this week, so to conclude, cartoon Indians are very funny; Fruity Pebbles were better before they added the purple, grape, pebble; and HAVE A HAPPY DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. DAY!!

Now for this week's very special feature, Feff's top ten favorite units of measurement:

10. Pipe (126 gallons)
9. Skein (360 feet)
8. Puncheon (84 gallons)
7. Assay Ton (29.167 grams)
6. Firkin (56 pounds)
5. Vara (33 inches)
4. Catty (1 1/3 pounds)
3. Hogshead (63 gallons)
2. Load (1 cubic yard)
1. Butt (126 gallons)