Wrestling, Hockey, Michael Jackson, and the Flat Tax

Well it was a fairly dull week here in the land of Feff. The snow stopped, schools reopened, and I had to readjust to waking up before Shama-rama-akkbar, the sun god, did. I guess the highlight of my week was the new batch of Beavis episodes. But there were some items from this past week that I would like to touch on, including high school wrestling, NHL hockey, that whole Michael Jackson-Lisa Marie divorce thing, and yes even the flat tax.

This past Tuesday I finally attended my first high school wrestling match. When I was freshman I tried out for wrestling, I went to the first practice wearing elf shoes and a cape, and the coach made me do laps. That pretty much was the end of my wrestling career. I think there are only three people who know all the rules of wrestling, and they live together in a Winnebago in Iowa. I know you normally get two points for a take-down, three points if it's on an odd-numbered day, and four points if your opponent is related to any surviving member of Led Zeppelin. If you're not an experienced wrestling fan, my suggestion is to just cheer when everybody else does. And wrestlers themselves are a bunch of freaks. They eat an orange for breakfast, a glass of Gatorade for lunch, and baby food for dinner. And they attempt every possible way to cut weight, from riding a stationary bike wearing an Eskimo parka, shaving all bodily hair, and even spitting in a dixie cup. It's just ain't right. I can sum up high school wrestling using the words of great orator Mr. Kenneth Windt: "It's just a bunch of guys rolling around a mat in their underwear."

This weekend was the National Hockey League All-Star break. Hockey is an odd sport. First of all, it's played on ice. And second of all, Canadians are good at it. Anything Canadians are good at I refuse to sanction as a real sport. No matter what I say, the popularity of hockey is sky-rocketing in America. When I was kid, we used to play wiffleball, pretending to be such greats like Mike Easler, Dave Winfield, or Steve Balboni. Now all I see is kids wearing their roller-blades, playing hockey, and worshipping such greats as Jaromir Jagr, Theoren Fleury, or Claude Lemieux. Jaromir? Theoren?? Claude??? This is why America is going downhill. If you were watching, you saw the geniuses at Fox unveiled a new technological breakthrough for the All-Star Game. To make the puck easier to see, they highlighted it in blue, and when it was hit at high speeds it was trailed by a comet tail. It had to be the most ridiculous thing, leave it to Fox. I didn't know whether I was watching a professional sport, or a Saturday morning cartoon. Ahhh, you can have hockey.

Also this week Lisa Marie Presley filed for a divorce from Michael Jackson after twenty months of marriage. Does anybody really give a shit? Well apparently the fine people at MTV think so. I never thought MTV News could give anything more coverage than the Kurt Cobain suicide, but they proved me wrong this week. This was the biggest thing that ever happened to Kurt Loder since Tabitha Soren told him he was cute. He was giving up-to-date reports all through the day, pretending to be a real journalist. And of course all they played were Michael Jackson videos all day. VH1 is the only place to see real music anymore. And who wasn't shocked that Lisa Marie finally dumped him? The guy's a freak. If Lisa Marie has any sense she'll go after Tito. Now there's a real man.

O.K. now for something completely different: the Flat Tax. I don't really watch the news much, but what I did watch had to do with the flat tax. The flat tax is simple revised tax plan that was proposed by Republican presidential candidate Steve Forbes, from the great state of New Jersey. In his plan there would be a flat 17% tax rate for everybody except the working poor, no tax on interest, dividends, capital gains, or estates, a $25,600 deduction for couples, a $5,200 deduction for dependents, and no deductions for mortgage expense, or charitable contributions. I'm not really an economist, so I can't tell you what all that means, but I do know Steve Forbes was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, and he is only looking out for the best interests of the rich. So take from me: Flat Tax=Bad. But unlike most people, I don't just criticize without proposing a solution of my own. So for the first time in public, I am proud to announce the Feff Tax. Under the Feff Tax you determine how much you owe using the simple formula: # of TVs x # of bedrooms + # of cars, boats, etc.. = your tax rate. Therefore if you own two TVs live in a three bedroom house, and have two cars, your tax rate is 8%. Pretty simple if you ask me. If you're poor and have only one television, in a one bedroom apartment, and you don't have any cars, your tax rate is only 1% under the Feff Tax. But if you're rich and you have 10 TVs in a 12 bedroom house, and 5 cars and 2 yachts, your tax rate will be 127% under the Feff Tax. Pretty fair if you ask me. I should run for president. If you live in New Hampshire feel free to write me in during the primary, F-E-F-F. I'm smarter than Phil Gramm, and a much bigger swinger than Bob Dole.

Well that is all for this week, so to conclude, high school wrestling was thought up by feminists to strip away the manhood from generations of teenagers, Jacko is a freak-o, and the only good tax is a really high one on the importation of hockey equipment from Canada.

Now for this week's special feature, Feff's top ten Hockey penalties or terms for masturbation:

10. Charging
9. Hooking
8. Interference
7. Misconduct
6. Cross-checking
5. Slashing
4. Holding
3. High-sticking
2. Tripping
1. Icing the puck