Snow, Saturday Night Live, and Michael Jackson

One may be puzzled at what snow, Saturday Night Live, and Michael Jackson, could possibly have in common to share a title of a Whack. Well simply stated snow, Saturday Night Live, and Michael Jackson are all things I used to like at one time, but now they all annoy the piss out of me. Snow is no longer fun, Saturday Night Live is no longer funny, and Michael Jackson is no longer human. Thus the purpose of this Whack is to examine why these three above items that used to bring me joy, now bring me sorrow.

Let's start with snow first because it's the first one listed in the title, and it makes sense to go in order so the reader is not confused. Snow is different from the other items in the list in that it didn't change. Snow has always been snow and will always be snow, unless in some freak atmospheric accident it turns purple and burst into flames as it hits the ground; but until that happens it's just plain snow. So snow didn't change, but my outlook on it did. Back in the day, when I was just a little Feff, winter was my favorite season. I used to savor each snowflake as wine on the lips of some French guy. (Mmmmmmmmmmmm French guy lips.) Well anyway, snow used to mean bitching snowball fights, tackle football in the street, making snow-angels with someone you love (whoops, wrong childhood), making snowmen to resemble the surviving members of the Doors, building snow-forts with secret underground tunnels and anti-aircraft machine guns, and reading Tintern Abbey with the family next to the fireplace (sorry, once again wrong childhood). Now I curse each snowflake like the taste of Ragu on an Italian guy's lips. (Mmmmmmmmmmmm Italian guy lips, ohhhh yeah.) What snow means now is back-breaking shoveling, frozen locks on a car that wouldn't start even if you could open it, being stuck home watching Gremlins 2: The New Batch, and falling down icy stairs trying to get the paper just so you could see who won the Amos Alonzo Stagg Bowl (Wisconsin-La Crosse 36-7). To put it simply, snow sucks.

O.K. on to Saturday Night Live. I used to be inspired by Saturday Night Live, it was the single most important show in shaping my sense of humor as a lad. From watching the classic episodes on Nick-At-Night and the Dana Carvey led bunch every Saturday night, the Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time Players gave my life meaning, and new hope in a world of human suffering and waste. Now each time I watch Saturday Night Live, with the new, "fresh" cast, I can't help but cry, remembering what was, and what could have been. Is writing a five-minute humorous skit that much of a challenge? The original cast used to do it high on amphetamines, so it can't be that big of an ordeal. It's pretty sad when the featured star on a show that included such greats as Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, John Belushi, Eddie Murphy, Billy Crystal, Dennis Miller, etc.. is now David Spade. I think it all went downhill once Jon Lovitz left the show, that guy was a genius. Before when I watched Saturday Night Live I had to try my hardest to stay awake during the musical guest in order to catch Weekend Update, now I try even harder to stay awake during Weekend Update in order to catch the musical guest. Well the only thing I have left to say is to put it simply, Saturday Night Live sucks.

Well let's conclude with Michael Jackson. I don't remember a day that went by that Michael Jackson's Thriller tape was not playing on the bus ride to Kindergarten throughout the 1983-84 school year. As far as I knew there was no other music. Everybody in my class walked around wearing only one glove, doing the moonwalk, and singing Billie Jean. No other pop artist was as universally accepted or respected. Back in those days, you were considered a heretic if you said something negative about Michael Jackson. I remember watching a kid get beat up because he claimed Billy Joel was just as good as the King of Pop. Now when I look at Michael Jackson all I see is a damn weirdo. His skin is whiter than mine, his hair is greasier than my Hispanic friend Hugo's, and I've seen bigger noses on cats for godsake. Don't get me wrong his music is still great, it's just hard to respect someone like that. What happened, did he take too many shots in the head from Joe? Or not enough? I think Jermaine and Tito better sit him down and straighten him up, because right now, to simply put it, Michael Jackson sucks.

O.K. that was fun, to conclude for this week, Joe Jackson didn't throw the 1919 series and should be in the Hall of Fame, Adam Sandler and Chris Farley have fallen off the face of the Earth ever since they left Saturday Night Live, and coal works well when making Ray Manzarek's eyes.

This week's special feature is Feff's top ten favorite Saturday Night Live skits or items he picked up at a Michael Jackson auction:

10. Herbert Hoover's pinkie
9. Mr. Short-Term Memory
8. A wild African elephant
7. Massive Head-Wound Harry
6. Richard Nixon's armpit hair
5. Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood
4. A monkey trained to dance the Samba
3. The Sinatra Group
2. Lyndon Johnson's thigh bone
1. LITTLE CHOCOLATE DONUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!