Twas the Night Before Chanukah

As everybody should know, this Monday starts the Jewish holiday of Chanukah. Chanukah, called the "Festival of Lights," is a eight day celebration where Jewish people light candles, exchange gifts, and go to work (since Chanukah is not celebrated as a national holiday). The tradition started when the Jews were at war with some non-Jewish people and this one place only had enough candle oil to last one day, and by some miracle the oil lasted eight days so all the Jews were happy since now they would get eight gifts instead of only one. Well that is all I know about Chanukah (thanks to twelve years of public education). So to all the Jewish visitors of Feff World I wish you all a very happy Chanukah, and I hope you have fun doing whatever you people do.

Now on to things that matter, how bout that Tyson? The last time I saw someone swing and miss as many times as Iron Mike did, Greg Maddux was on the mound. And Buster Mathis Jr. isn't exactly a small target. I don't think Tyson is the same fighter he was before his little vacation, nor will he ever be. If Frank Bruno doesn't mess him up first, then Riddick Bowe will.

Also on television Saturday night was the annual showing of A Wonderful Life. Here's a nice family movie about a guy who has a bad day at the office, comes home, curses out his daughter's teacher, yells at his wife and kids, storms out of the house, gets liquored up, has his jaw busted in a fight, and then drives his car into a tree while driving under the influence. And that's the hero of the movie! Frank Capra also teaches the important lesson, through A Wonderful Life, that old rich people suck. Although this may be true, I think it is greatly exaggerated.

The third item on television Saturday night that I flipped between was MTV's Year in Rock: 1995. I don't need to listen to Kurt or Tabitha to tell you that the year in rock can be defined in one word: HOOTIE. Could they kick anymore ass? It is bands like Hootie and the Blowfish, which aren't cool enough for MTV, that give VH1 a useful purpose. You can have your TLC's, Boys to Men's, or Janet Jackson's any day. Give me a video with Chris Berman and Freddy Couples and I'm a happy guy.

Well if you haven't already noticed I didn't really plan well for this Whack. I figured next week I could do something nice on Christmas, and the week after that New Year's, but this week the only damn thing I could think of was Chanukah, and I don't know jack shit about Chanukah. The most thought I put into this Whack was deciding which spelling of Chanukah to use: Chanukah or Hanukah. Come on people! If you want your little cult to be taken seriously I suggest you start spelling your major holidays one way. The reason I picked Chanukah is because that was the way it was spelled in an Acme Supermarket circular in my Sunday paper. It read: "Wishing You a Happy Chanukah!" right below a coupon for smoked kielbasa (buy one, get one free). So please forgive me as I continue to ramble on like a naked Indian, I just want to fill some space up.

So.............Frank Sinatra turned eighty. How about that? That is surely something. When a lot of people turn eighty you look at them and say, "Hey they look pretty good for eighty, I hope I look that good when I'm eighty." Well that is not true for Frank Sinatra. He looks pretty bad. Old Blue Eyes is now Old Drooping Blood-Shot Eyes. I hope I don't look that bad when I'm eighty. A good advertisement for some health guru would be: "Eat right, exercise, or you will look like Frank Sinatra when you're eighty." Hey, that would work for me. Call me dour, but I give him another year before he dies.

OK, I think I said enough for one week. So to conclude for this week, Hootie rules, old rich people suck, and Jewish people are messed up, but we love them anyway!

Now for this week's special feature, Feff's top ten singers of all time that he would like have dress up as Santa and sing him White Christmas while juggling a flaming torch:

10. Bing Crosby
9. Mel Torme
8. Perry Como
7. Tony Bennett
6. Tom Jones
5. Frank Sinatra
4. Sammy Davis Jr.
3. Elvis
2. Paul Westerberg
1. Theodore (from Alvin and the Chipmunks)