1995 - The Year of Feff

As I looked at my Girls of NATO swimsuit calendar today, I noticed that yet another year is coming to an end. We are about to enter 1996, and begin to make our journey out of the 90's and towards Armageddon, which will occur in the year 2000 during the month of May (according to my very special physic friend Harvey). While I began to open my 1996 Malcolm X Quote-o-the-Day daily calendar and planner, I couldn't help but reflect on 1995, the year that was, and 1996, the year that will be.

1995 was without a doubt a very special year in the life of Feff, hell before this year there wasn't even a Feff. Before this year the only knowledge of the Internet I had was through the nude pictures of girls who looked like Marcia Brady that my friend Joe would show me on his computer. During the first half of 1995 my main exposure to technology came in the form of a calculator that could graph a picture of Mickey Mouse, and a key-chain that says "Fuck You" everytime you press a button. And before recently the only writing I did was all my obsessive fan letters to Jodie Sweetin (the actress who plays Stephanie on Full House). Now look at me! I still don't know anything about the Internet; my main exposure to technology is now a digital watch that plays Dixie every hour on the hour; and I still write obsessive fan letters to Jodie Sweetin. My point is, however, that in July of 1995, Joe (yes, the same Joe with the nude pictures of girls that look like Marcia Brady) and I set up Feff World; and now instead of just a select group of friends making fun of anything I write, the whole world can. It is for this reason that history books (written by me) will undoubtedly refer to 1995 as The Year of Feff.

Outside of Feff World, 1995 was still a very eventful year. In the world of news there was the O.J. trial and...............uh sorry I don't remember anything else that was on the news. In sports Michael Jordan, Mike Tyson, and Major League Baseball all made their comebacks, and neither of them were as good as people remembered them to be. In entertainment there was that Jim Carrey guy with his movies, and Apollo 13, which showed the American public for the first time what it is like to throw-up in space. In music there was Michael Jackson with his HIStory c.d., and that video with Lisa Marie Presley in the nude (which I found more revolting than Green Day's Geek Stink Breath video). Also the Beatles got back to together and released a new single they dug up. After I heard it for the 417th time I felt like calling up the surviving Beatles to say, "Hey guys, there's a reason John never released the song in the first place, IT SUCKS!!!" Finally, 1995 saw the passing of many famous people. Among these, although he wasn't really that famous, was lead-guitarist for The Replacements, (before Paul Westerberg kicked him out), Bob Stinson. Stinson originated the grunge-look when Kurt Cobain and Eddie Vedder were still in junior high, and all Seattle was famous for was bad baseball. Also it should be noted that in 1995 Fidel Castro still didn't die, and, despite the efforts of nine different American presidents, he remains the big chief down in Cuba.

With 1995 put behind us forever, this brings us to 1996. What kind a year should we expect 1996 to be? Well I think I can make some accurate predictions. First of all a former president is going to die, and we've been going in order recently so watch your back Gerry. A guy from Kenya is gonna win a marathon somewhere this year. Some famous Hollywood couple will get a divorce. Someone famous will be getting their own talk show. A young rock star will die either of suicide or something drug related. There will be an earthquake somewhere, probably in California. A new Planet Hollywood restaurant will open in some city. Congress will pass some new laws. Dennis Rodman is going to try a different hair color. Some place is gonna get more rain this year then they normally do. One of the branches of the armed forces will be involved in a sex-related scandal. A cure for the common cold most likely won't be found. O.J. Simpson will earn a lot of money this year off the deaths of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. There will be some U.F.O. sightings. And, finally, America will win some gold medals at this year's Summer Olympics in Atlanta. So to sum it up, 1996 will not be that different from 1995, or the years before that, as we all continue going nowhere on the hamster wheel of time.

Well that is all for this week and this year, so to conclude, Joe is a pervert; coughing your cookies in space is even cooler than on Earth; and HAVE A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!

For this week's special feature we have Feff's top ten New Year's resolutions:

10. No more sports betting on odd numbered days
9. Stop oppressing minorities
8. Only get Cliff Notes for books over 250 pages
7. Get down to my college weight (before I go to college)
6. Find time for God
5. Eat more greens
4. Tone down the cussing
3. Get to know people BEFORE I label them
2. A little less Beavis, a little more A&E