The Super-Bore

This Sunday was the crowning event of all professional sports in America, The Super Bowl. I'm writing this before the actual game, but I can confidently say that, unless Barry Switzer coached the worst game of his life, the Cowboys won. That's the thing about the Super Bowl, the outcome of the games are so predictable, because they are rarely competitive. The Super Bowl is the single most anticipated, hyped-up, over-analyzed sporting event in America each year; and each year it doesn't come close to meeting its expectations, and is given clever names by sports journalists like: Super Bore, Super Bust, Stupid Bowl, or Fall Asleep in the Middle of the Third Quarter Bowl. Don't get me wrong, there have been some pretty competitive Super Bowls, like when Scott Norwood missed the field goal in the last seconds as the Bills fell short to the Giants, or when Ickey Woods and the Bengals fought the mighty Forty-Niners right down to the wire. But recently the Super Bowls have been as entertaining as a slide show from George Will's honeymoon. Well I've been thinking, and I came up with a few ways to improve the Super Bowl. So for this Whack I have a general outline of my changes.

Location: I never liked the idea of having the Super Bowl at a different city each year, they should just pick one place and stick with it. I have two suggestions for the new location. The first one is to play the Super Bowl somewhere in Alaska, so then it would be played in the snow most of the time. Football in the snow is always exciting to watch, no matter who's playing, because the games tend to stay close, and there are a lot of fumbles. My other location for the Super Bowl would be in the middle of the Gobi Desert. I don't think there are any advantages for this location, but it would be pretty cool to have a huge football stadium in the middle of the Gobi Desert.

Pre-Game: The two-weeks between the last playoff games and the Super Bowl are two of the most worthless weeks in professional sports. There's nothing scarier than two weeks of 500 sports journalists analyzing one game. They should either schedule the Super Bowl the day after the last playoff game (come on these are the two best teams, they should be in shape), or think of something better to fill the time with. My suggestion is to make every member of each team use the two weeks to walk from their home cities to the location of the Super Bowl carrying a egg in a spoon. The team that arrives to the Super Bowl with the most un-cracked eggs gets the honor of being designated the home team.

National Anthem: It's cool that they play the National Anthem before the Super Bowl, since it is patriotic and stuff, but they got to think of some better people to perform it. Forget Whitney Houston, they should get Rancid, Ice Cube, or Nine Inch Nail to do the National Anthem next Super Bowl.

Coin-Toss: The coin-toss is another facet that could use changing. Who cares about some president or celebrity flipping a oversized novelty coin? No one except for those freaks in Las Vegas who bet on the outcome of the coin-toss. They should replace the pre-game coin toss with a thumb wrestling match between the starting kickers for each team. Whoever wins gets to decide whether they want to kick-off or receive. Then teams would start drafting kickers with big thumbs.

First-Half: The rules for the first half of the game should be relatively the same, except for one small change- no punts.

Half-Time: Three words- Monkeys on roller-skates.

Second-Half: The rules for the second half of the game should be relatively the same, except for one small change- touchdowns are worth nine points if scored by someone with a uniform number that is also a prime number.

Post-Game: Well I don't really know how the post-game of the Super Bowl is now, because I am usually asleep by then, but I still can think of some ways of how it should be. First of all, the Super Bowl M.V.P. should take a victory lap around the stadium riding on the back of a bull. Secondly, the losing team should have to pay homage to the winning team by spelling out congratulations using empty Gatorade cups. And finally, the winning team, in lieu of jumping all over each other, should celebrate by acting out a random Barney Miller episode in the middle of the field.

O.K., those are all my changes; hopefully they are put into effect real soon. Well to conclude for this week: some Spanish-speaking, Mexican immigrant, named Humberto could probably cross the border into Texas and coach the Cowboys to a Super Bowl; Scott Norwood is synonymous with goat; and where the hell did Ickey Woods disappear to?.

Now for this week's special feature, the top ten other people besides Rancid, Ice Cube, and Nine Inch Nails, that Feff would like to see perform the National Anthem at the Super Bowl:

10. Weird Al Yankovic
9. The New York Dolls
8. Tha Dogg Pound
7. Jon Secada (but in Spanish)
6. Tiny Tim
5. Moby
4. Zamphir (you know, that guy with the flute)
3. C&C Music Factory
2. The Dancing Ito's
1. Simon (from The Chipmunks)