It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad Feff World

Well, for all those counting, this is the silver anniversary of the noble experiment known as the Weekly Whack. Twenty-five Whacks strong, and still counting. If this was a sitcom I would probably do a flashback episode or rewrite old Whacks and label them as "classics." But this is not a sitcom (although it won't be long until you see a Web page with a laugh track), so I guess I'll just write my normal dose of knee-slapping, belly-shaking, hand-clapping, head-turning, eyebrow-raising, ear-twitching, ass-wiggling, crotch-itching, down home family fun.

For all those who were deceived by the title, this Whack has nothing to do with the 1963 movie classic, "It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World." It's just that it was on Saturday night, so I watched it, and I thought it would be a cool title. However I must point out that Jonathan Winters, one of the movie's many stars, is perhaps the funniest man on Earth; and to this day I still write death threats to the network executives who canceled Davis Family Rules, the sitcom he was in with Randy Quaid. But instead of talking about movies out in the 1960's, I shall provide all my faithful readers with a great service, and review the movies out in the theater now (although I haven't seen any of them), so you don't have to waste your money.

O.K. first up is Disney's Toy Story, starring the voices of Tom Hanks and Tim Allen. It's seems like a good concept, toys coming to life, and Tom Hanks is a great actor, but it is rated G, so there will be a lot of whining kids in the theater. You are better off waiting until it comes out in video, so the only kids whining would be your own, and you could just slap them around in the privacy of your own home. However just the thought of Toy Story brings back memories of my youth, when my brother and I used to recreate presidential assassinations with our G.I. Joe's (Duke was a convincing J.F.K.).

Next up is 12 Monkeys, starring Bruce Willis and Brad Pitt. Gee, the last three Bruce Willis movies I saw were Hudson Hawk, Death Becomes Her, and Blind Date, and they all sucked. The only Brad Pitt movie I saw was that one fishing one, and it was nothing to write home about. Put the two together and this movie should be so bad that I wouldn't even want to see a movie in the theater next to it. However my brother saw it and said it was great (but who cares what he thinks?), and he counted two scenes of Bruce Willis' bare ass, and one of Brad Pitt's. So if you're in to that sort of thing, maybe you'll enjoy it.

The third movie is Father of the Bride Part II, starring Steve Martin, Diane Keaton, and Martin Short. First of all, let me put it on the record that Martin Short is one of the most annoying people of all time (along with Robin Williams). Sometimes when I watch him I just feel like putting on my steel toe boots and kicking him, I must say. Steve Martin is a great actor, but he should start doing more movies like The Jerk and My Blue Heaven and less like this crap. And the only good movie Diane Keaton was in was Baby Boom, which was about a lady who has a baby and makes apple sauce. So stay away from this movie, even if you did like the first one.

Well at this pace I won't be able to cover many movies, so now I'll convert to rapid-fire mode.

Tom and Huck: I liked the book Tom Sawyer, and the Cliff Notes for Huck Finn were also decent, but once again it is rated G, and I don't like that punk from Home Improvement. I'll watch it in a couple years on network T.V.

Heat: Haven't heard much about this movie, but Val Kilmer hasn't made a good movie since Top Secret!.

Balto: I like true stories, and I like dogs, but I have a rule about shelling out seven bucks to see a feature-length cartoon (not to mention the G factor).

Sudden Death: You see one Van Damme movie, you've seen them all.

Casino: I'll never understand how Al Pacino agreed to do a movie about a bunch a senior citizens shoving quarters into slot-machine like robots.

Nixon: You want to learn about Nixon? Read a book. You want to waste three hours? Go see this movie.
Jumanji: A bunch of wild animals running are all around the city. What the hell is that all about? Plus I already shared what I thought about Robin Williams.

Sabrina: Harrison Ford is getting old fast, and Greg Kinnear is a sell-out. Long live the Skunk Boy!!!

Waiting to Exhale:

Grumpier Old Men: What amazes me about this movie is that Burgess Meredith is still alive. I thought he died in Rocky III. As for this movie, the first one was great, but I think I can wait until this one comes out on video.

Well I think I covered enough movies to please everyone, so I think I'll wrap it up. So to conclude for this week, Mickey Rooney looks like a little wrinkled old rat; the Anaheim Mighty Ducks are more entertaining than an average Disney movie; and the movie Nixon would be better if they got Eddie from Frasier to play Checkers.

This weeks special feature, the top ten rejected titles for this Whack:

10. Goodbye, Mr. Feff
9. Feff vs. Mothra
8. Feff Does Dallas
7. Greystoke: The Legend of Feff, Lord of the Apes
6. Thelma and Feff
5. Feff: The Man and His Dream
4. Three Men and a Feff
3. Around the Feff World in 80 Days
2. Brave New Feff World
1. Citizen Feff