All's Fair in Love and War

As I sit today to write this Whack, I find that I am stuck in the middle of two grand holidays that brighten up the otherwise dull month of February. Of course this past Wednesday was Valentine's Day, and for those who live in America, this upcoming Monday is President's Day. So in a space of a week we celebrate all those special people who bring love into our lives, and those forty-two elected officials who come up with new and creative ways to bring war into our lives. If you haven't already figured it out by now, in this Whack I will discuss these two holidays, and their impact on the lives of the many Columbia bean herders living in the island country of New Zealand.

Since it would make sense to go in chronological order, let's start with Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day never really meant much to me since I never really had anybody special to share it with. My one true love, Nobel Prize winning chemist Niels Bohr, was already dead before I was born. So when Valentine's Day came around each year, since he was dead, I never had the opportunity to send him flowers or chocolates, or even him bring him breakfast in bed wearing nothing but a lab apron and a pair of safety goggles. However, despite my personal pain, I still enjoy Valentine's Day. It's the one day of the year where the sky is always blue, the birds are chirping, and love is in the air. It's almost like the spirit and energy left over from the decade of seventies is annually squeezed into this one day. I'll admit that every Valentine's Day I dim the lights, put on a little Barry White, and groove. Talking about the seventies, I have a somewhat amusing seventies anecdote that sticks to the topic. I was watching an old rerun of The Dating Game, that was obviously from the seventies since everybody was wearing polyester and had long hair and sideburns. The lady looking to be matched up then asked bachelor #1: "If you had the opportunity to change the national pastime, what would you change it to?" The guy didn't even hesitate, and answered: "Well babe, if I had my way I would make the national pastime love." I was thinking: YES, THE SEVENTIES RULE. Well unfortunately the eighties came, and love was never made the national pastime. However for one day every year on February 14th, no matter what decade it is, love is the national pastime, and the spirit of the seventies returns to everybody. And it doesn't matter if you are single or not, everybody loves the seventies.

Before I go on to my next topic, I just want to share with you an old Valentine custom that I recently read about. It seems in Derbyshire, a country in central England, young women circled the church three or twelve times at midnight and repeated the verse:

"I sow hempseed.
Hempseed I sow.
He that loves me best,
Come after me now."

And then their true loves supposedly appeared. Of course their true love appeared, if you saw a bunch a ladies walking around at midnight saying how they sow hemp, you would be their true love real quick. In fact, it may sound crazy, but this is the same way how Bill and Hillary Clinton met.

Ok, on to President's Day. Since George Washington and Abe Lincoln were both born in the same month, they decided that instead of giving them each their own holiday, they would make one holiday, and instead of just celebrating Abe and George on this day, we kill forty-two birds with one stone and celebrate all the presidents. So Martin Luther King Jr., who never signed a law, but gave a lot of good speeches and was a cool guy, has his own holiday, but none of the American presidents do. President's Day serves no real purpose, except that most of the schools are closed, and there are a lot of good sales. In fact, just today I was honoring the presidents by attending a 50% off all Rubbermaid products sale at Bradlees. I got a sauce container for two bucks, Uncle Abe would be so proud. I guess my point is that a little more should be done on President's Day to remember the presidents. Networks should forget about ratings for a day and air a documentary on John Tyler or something. Also there is not any luster surrounding President's Day because there aren't any cool President's Day traditions. If Andrew Johnson brought presents to every boy and girl on President's Day Eve, then we would have a real holiday. Or maybe if a bunch of young girls dressed up as all the presidents, and circled a church three or twelve times at midnight and chanted: "I sow hempseed. Hempseed I sow." I don't know, anything would work. It's just that there should be a little more to President's Day than a tupperware sale.

Well I'm done, so to conclude for this week, I can't get enough of your love babe, Rubbermaid products don't bounce all that well, and neither Valentine's Day or President's Day has much of an impact on the lives of the many Columbia bean herders living in the island country of New Zealand.

OK, now for this week's special feature, Feff's top ten favorite American presidents of all time:

10. Lyndon Johnson
9. Chester A. Arthur
8. Theodore Roosevelt
7. Rutherford B. Hayes
6. Gerald Ford
5. Martin Sheen
4. Woodrow Wilson
3. Martin Van Buren
2. Calvin Coolidge
1. James Knox Polk