Food For Thought

All humans throughout this world share one quality, the survival instinct. And there are only really two basic things that all humans have to do to survive: eat and breathe. Since I don't think that even I could keep a reader interested in a Whack about breathing, I shall journey through the topic of eating. So let's take a look at something that all humans living on this Earth have in common, eating, by going through a concise history of food.

In the beginning there were the cavemen. Now despite the misinformation found in the cartoon series The Flintstones, cavemen didn't really eat Bronto-Burgers or Dino-Ribs. Most cavemen were hunters and gatherers. They would roam all around hunting animals, or gather nuts or berries or crap to eat. At this time, taste wasn't really a major concern of the cavemen. Cavemen ate solely to survive, and the taste bud had yet to develop in humans. Eventually, however, some liberal cavemen (who preferred to be called cavepersons), who were angry at how cavemen children were killing each other over the color of their hides, got together and, despite strong opposition from the NSA (National Spear Association), successfully lobbied to take away the caveman's right to bear arms. Now cavemen were forced to look elsewhere for food, and they found this new source in the dirt under their feet.

The dawn of the agricultural age brought drastic changes in the eating habits of prehistoric humans. Humans no longer had go out searching for food, they could now grow it themselves. And nine out of ten cavemen would agree that wheat, grain, or whatever they grew tasted better than a rotted mammoth carcass. Also humans learned how to grow something else: mushrooms. It was by large intake of these mushrooms, which were natural hallucinogens, that major strides were made in evolution. The mushrooms caused an increase in sexual drive, which greatly increased the human population. Due to this population influx, humans once again had to look elsewhere for food, but this wasn't any problem since the mushrooms also increased hindsight and made the cavemen much more efficient hunters. And since a lot more tastier animals, like cows and pigs, had evolved since the last time men hunted, the taste bud developed in humans. So thanks to the mushroom, humanity as we know it arose.

For a long period in time man's eating habits stayed pretty constant. He either grew food, hunted it, or fished. The only food related historical event in this time period was the Last Supper of the New Testament. Critics today still argue about what was served at the Last Supper. Though I don't have an answer to his mystery, I do know that Jesus was a big ribs eater, and sometimes at family picnics Jesus could be found eating ribs by himself in the corner, with huge globs of barbecue sauce all over his beard. After years of eating the same food over and over again, humans soon grew tired of the taste. They needed something more. It was at this time that rumors of spices, which improved the taste of food, in distant lands were spread throughout Europe. This of course launched the Age of Exploration. Whole continents were discovered because man wanted tastier food. One of the early explorers was Marco Polo. Marco Polo went all throughout China looking for spices, but his major accomplishment was discovering pasta. By eating this pasta, a little Italian boy by the name of Christopher Columbus grew up healthy and strong and decided to sail clear across the globe because he had a lasagna recipe that called for oregano. Columbus discovered America, but his life was a failure because all he wanted was a little oregano. Many explorers followed Columbus to the New World in search of oregano. Vasco De Gama came looking for the much heralded Fountain of Oregano, and Hernando Cortes devoted his entire life searching for the fabled Seven Cities of Oregano. Although there was very little oregano found there, the discovery of America was very monumental in the history of food.

In England there were a bunch of people know as Pilgrims who were tired of eating English food (and anyone who have ever been to England can hardly blame them). So the Pilgrims came to America and founded a colony. They were definitely not disappointed, as they soon found themselves eating such food as corn, potatoes, turkey, and stuffing. In fact the first Thanksgiving was not the Pilgrims way of thanking the Indians, but just an excuse for the them to eat some more. People all over Europe heard about all this food in America, so they too came, and eventually the thirteen colonies were established. However England wanted to keep control over the colonies, so the king decided to tax all non-English food in America. This caused the colonists to get together and say, "Fuck that, we're revolting." Patrick Henry further stirred up rebellious spirits with his famous speech where he said, "Give me potatoes au gratin or give me death!!" So the hungry colonists beat England, and the United States of America was formed.

The young country of America soon expanded, as settlers expanded west since there was more food there. Of course whole tribes of Indians had to be wiped out since they got in the way of the food. Scores of easterners flocked west when gravy was struck at Sutter's Mill, and the great California Gravy Rush of '49 began. It was not long until America stretched from ocean to ocean, from the delicious Maine lobster to the succulent California sword fish. Of course there had to be a way to bring this food to all the masses, so the transcontinental railroad was formed. So now a man in Georgia could eat a Idaho potato, and a man in Idaho could enjoy a Georgia peach. It was a grand time to live in America. True there was that Civil War thing, which started because a northerner made fun of the way a southerner prepared grits, but we got through it with the Union intact. America was a big melting pot. Immigrants from all over the world would come over and add their food to the great melting pot, and a huge American stew was made. It is the American Dream that a poor immigrant can one day own a house in a town that has a Chinese Restaurant, an Italian Pizza Parlor, a French Bakery, and a Greek Diner.

As we move into the twenty-first century, a new, bolder age of food is upon us. As we speak scores of scientists, who could be working on cure for cancer or AIDS, are working on ways to make tastier, healthier food. We can't balance the budget, or end poverty, but we can make low-fat Twinkie that still tastes good. I sleep well knowing that I live in a country where in the next year there will be nothing done to end the drug problem, but five new flavors of Snapple will be released. Well I guess we are all cavemen, and we never really cared about each other. The hell with humanity, I'm hungry.

I'm done for this week, so to conclude, the same mushrooms that spurred evolution give me gas; the road to hell is paved with oregano; and they should make a Snapple flavor using the juices of the pomegranate.

Now for this week's very special feature, Feff's top ten favorite foods:

10. Potato Skins
9. Dog food covered in barbecue sauce
8. Mozzarella sticks
7. Anything with the words 'Cajun style' before it
6. Anything dipped in a lot of butter
5. Salad with blue cheese dressing
4. Garlic Bagels
3. Orange Tic Tacs
2. Microwavable Mini Egg Rolls
1. Beef Jerky!!!