Mr. Feff's Opus

Well, if you haven't already guessed by the title, it's that time again. It's that time that comes every couple months when I do a great service for all Feff World loyals, and review the movies that are out in the theater at the present time. Although I have not seen most of the movies that I will review, I can assure you that I have a good instinct for this sort of thing. I called that Waterworld would be a bomb before Kevin Costner started looking for a new agent. So trust me, if I say not to go see a movie, it would be for your own good not to go see that movie. I'm here to help you, not lead you astray.

Mr. Holland's Opus: First up is the inspiration for the title of this week's Whack. I'll cut right through the bullshit and give you two good reasons for not seeing this movie. One, it is about a high school music teacher, and two, Richard Dreyfuss is the star. High school music teachers serve just about the same roll in society as the guy who sells oversized inflatable baseball bats at Yankee Stadium. I wouldn't go see a movie about a guy who sells oversized inflatable baseball bats, so why should I go see a movie about a high school music teacher? And Richard Dreyfuss is pretty annoying, with that constant whining voice. Who wasn't rooting for the shark to tear him to shreds in Jaws? The last good Richard Dreyfuss movie was What About Bob?, but unfortunately he doesn't have Bill Murray to carry him this time. This is a definite must miss.

Rumble in the Bronx: Now here's a movie with definite Oscar potential. Although star Jackie Chan doesn't speak very good English, he does all of his own stunts! Now that's a real actor. You'll never see any of these so-called 'real' actors, like Harrison Ford or Clint Eastwood, do any of their own stunts. Actors today are afraid of breaking a nail or getting a little paralysis. So when an actor like Jackie Chan comes along and puts his body at risk for a movie, I think the least we can do is to pay him a little respect and go see his movie.

Broken Arrow: So John Travolta makes a couple good movies and all of a sudden people think he is a good actor. Well they are wrong. If it was up to me, John Travolta wouldn't have been allowed on a movie set after the Look Who's Talking trilogy. Everybody gets lucky once in awhile, but I think this time his luck has run out. And Christian Slater should have quit while he was ahead, which was shortly after Pump Up the Volume. If you want to see a good John Travolta movie, rent Grease.

Happy Gilmore: Of all the movies out now, this was the only one that I actually took the time to go see. And take my word, it was perhaps the greatest movie of all-time. Adam Sandler is a damn genius. If you find out that you only have two hours left to live on this fine Earth, I urge you to spend those two hours watching this movie. It has all the qualities of a good movie, but without a cumbersome plot or story-line to get in the way. And as the Caddyshack movies proved, there is not a funnier, more entertaining sport than golf.

Ok, to cover the rest of the movies out now, I will convert to my patented rapid-fire mode.

City Hall: John Cusack hasn't been in a good movie since the eighties.

Down Periscope: Just what America needs, two full hours of Kelsey Grammar.

Hellraiser III, Bloodline: Haven't seen the first two, don't plan to see this one. Plus having a bunch of nails stuck in your face has got to hurt, not to mention its effect on the pores.

The Birdcage: Robin Williams, Gene Hackman, and some guy dressed up like a woman- ooh, save me an aisle seat for this one.

Homeward Bound: It's amazing how much Michael J. Fox's career has shot up ever since Family Ties ended.

Up Close & Personal: Sorry kids, there's no Coolio soundtrack for this Michelle Pfeiffer movie.

Muppet Treasure Island: I saved the best for last. Another brilliant performance by Kermit. He really made the transition from the theater to the silver-screen beautifully. You can tell he really studied up for this role.

Well I think I served society enough for one week, so I think I'll bring this Whack to an end. So to conclude for this week, I'm living in a gangsta's paradise; I used to know a guy named Opus; and Feff always does his own stunts.

Now for this week's special feature, Feff's top ten favorite John Cusack movies of all time:

10. Fat Man and Little Boy
9. The Journey of Natty Gann
8. Hot Pursuit
7. Say Anything...
6. Eight Man Out
5. Stand By Me
4. Sixteen Candles
3. Better Off Dead
2. The Sure Thing
1. One Crazy Summer