Quantum Leap Year

This past Thursday we were all visited by that crazy day, who like your Uncle Charley just comes once every four years, gets drunk, picks a fight with your 90 year-old grand-mother, and then pukes all over the Norman Rockwell autographed cover of Saturday Evening Post, where the one kid is afraid to go to the doctor, that you bought in lieu of sending your oldest child to college. Of course I'm talking about February twenty-ninth, Leap Year.

Before I get to Leap year, I first want to discuss the month of February. What the hell is up with February? It normally only has twenty-eight days! Did the creator of the calendar have something against the month of February? Like maybe he got his heart broken by some girl named February, or possibly he lost some money on a horse named February; and he became so pissed off he decided to invent the calendar just so he could make the month of February and give it less days than all the other months. If you ask me, it just doesn't make sense. Why couldn't they just take away a day from two of those months that have thirty-one days and give it to February? That would make more sense, then February would normally have thirty days like most other months. I wonder if the other months of the year make fun of February? Like: "Yo, January check out the month your stuck by. It only has twenty-eight days! What a freak!" I'm sure there are many February jokes spreading throughout the calendar also. Like: "How many Februarys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?; How do you get a one arm February out of a tree?; Yo month is so short...; and You know you're a February if..." Don't tell me I didn't warn you, but I think it is only time before February becomes the disgruntled postal worker of the calendar. Unless we make some changes soon, one year February is just gonna go nuts and start shooting, taking out months left and right.

Ok, now let's move on to Leap Year. Time is a very strange thing. In reality, no one really knows what time it is. When you look at your watch, or your clock on the wall, you don't see the time, you see only a mere estimate of the time. All time keeping devices, being man-made machines, are inaccurate and have a margin of error. And there could never be a perfect clock, because it would have to set against an imperfect clock. In reality there is only one person who knows exactly what time it is. He's real old, has a long white beard, lives on top of a big mountain, owns a whole bunch of egg-timers and hour-glasses, and listens to Grand Funk Railroad all day long. But this guy ain't talking unless he gets an autographed picture of Wintson Churchill, a bag of double-stuff Oreo cookies, and Brooke Shields. So thus when Man decided to make the calendar, it is only natural that he would screw it up. Apparently when Man made the year, he lost track of six hours. Although being off by six hours sounds like a lot (it's enough time for a National League double header), in reality it only adds up to about a .06 percent error, which most scientists only get when they make up the data. So instead of fixing the error, and adding a half hour to each month, which comes to about a minute a day, we let all the extra time add up and every four years we add an extra day to the calendar.

Leap Year serves as a yard marker for three major events: an United States presidential election, the Summer Olympics, and Edward James Olmos washing his hair. Of the three, the first is always the most entertaining to watch. I don't know, if you ask me I think we need election reform like Kevin Costner needs a hit movie. It's pathetic, I turn on CNN or C-Span and it is like I am watching WWF Monday Night Raw. Although I find it very entertaining, there is no need for trash talking in American politics. I wait eighteen years to finally get the right to vote, and there is nobody to vote for. Bill Clinton deserves another term as much as Happy Gilmore deserves an Oscar. But the jokes on us America, when Happy Gilmore is the Sunday night movie on Fox next year, Bill Clinton will still be president.

While were at it, lets discuss the Olympics. Of course this summer they will be held in Atlanta, Georgia, so visitors from all around the world can come to the Olympics and see first hand what a redneck is. I'm surprised that since the Olympics are being held in Atlanta, they didn't make shooting beer cans out of the back of a Chevy pick-up a honorary event. Basketball is the only real event worth watching in the Olympics. Watching people run around a circle, or try and throw a really long pole, never excited me much. And basketball is great to watch since now that we can use professionals, we kick ass at it. Come on, what American doesn't feel pride in watching the Dream Team blow out other countries? It like, you may make better cars than we do, but we can blow the crap out of you on the basketball court.

Well I had enough for this week, so I shall bring this Whack to a close. To conclude, the month of February is a few days short of full deck; Norman Rockwell would be out of work if he was alive today; and Harry Browne in '96!!

Now for this week's special feature, Feff's top ten events that should be added to the Olympics:

10. Sack Race
9. Flag-Football
8. Donkey Basketball
7. Dizzy Bat Race
6. Table-Top Football
5. Skee-Ball
4. Three-Legged Race
3. Nerf Basketball
2. Air Hockey
1. Wiffleball