Mr. Feff Goes to Washington

This past weekend I had the pleasure of visiting our nation's capitol, while helping my father bring back my eldest brother Mikey to the American University in Washington, where he is going into his senior year.

Washington is always a neat place to visit because while there, I am overcome by a strong sense of history. For example, while passing Bethesda Naval Hospital in Maryland, I couldn't help but stare in awe, wondering which window former Secretary of Defense James Forestall was thrown out of because he knew too much about the Roswell incident. And I can't go by the capital building, the heart of American democracy, without thinking that right now at this moment congressmen and senators are hard at work pissing on the American Constitution, while making the American dream harder to reach. But I don't want to go off on a rant, so let's discuss everybody's favorite cable channel: CSPAN.

Now when I'm not surfing the net, I'm usually surfing channels, and two of my favorite waves to catch are C-SPAN and its sister network C-SPAN 2. For those of you who don't know, C-SPAN brings live coverage of all the exciting action in the House of Representatives, C-SPAN 2 does the Senate, along with other events in Washington and dealing with politics and governments. The main reason I watch C-SPAN all the time is just in case a fight breaks out. When Strom Thurmond puts Ted Kennedy in a camel clutch I want to see it live. But while in anticipation for the Rumble in the Rotunda, I do sometimes catch some interesting moments on C-SPAN and C-SPAN 2.

Many times I'll flip on C-SPAN late at night, and I'll see some representative filled with energy giving some fiery speech at the podium. But then the camera would scan on the rest of the room, and there would be absolutely nobody there. I'm there thinking that it's some joke they played on a blind congressman. Like, "Hey Newt, we're just gonna yield all our time to Charley, and, since he's blind, we'll just go home early today." But actually it is so they get in the Congressional Record, and it didn't look like they were jerking it all day (like Sen. Packwood). Also, 95% percent of the time I turn on C-SPAN they're doing something called Quorum Call. I have no clue what it is, but almost everytime I turn on C-SPAN it says Quorum Call on the bottom of the screen, and the congressmen are scurrying around the House, doing whatever a Quorum Call calls for them to do. Sometimes, when I'm lucky, I turn it on in the middle of a vote. Votes are cool because they show the breakdown of Yea and Nea votes among the parties, while playing soft classical music in the background. I have no clue why or on what they're voting because the bills are usually called something like House Referendum 3145440-R2D2LMNOP, but I really get into it. I call my bookie and tell him to give me a twenty-timer on the Nea's, hoping they'll cover the 30 vote spread. But there are times I turn on C-SPAN and I see things that really have me raise an eybrow and take notice.

Just this past week I was watching the House Whitewater Investigation, or something to that effect. Some guy I didn't know was giving testimony and the various representative were drilling him with questions. Suddenly, low and behold, I saw Sonny Bono. Sonny was wearing this nice conservative suit, looking and acting all serious, and was asking this long probing question in a solemn voice. Meanwhile, I'm laughing my ass off because it was Sonny Bono thinking he was Clarence Darrow or something. I flipped on C-SPAN 2 expecting to see Don Knots interrogating Janet Reno at the Waco hearings. If I was the guy giving testimony, I'd be like, "Dude, Sonny, sing the song man!" and then I'd start humming "I Got You Babe."

Well I had enough of this topic, so to conclude: Washington is nice place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there, because the government isn't telling us everything they know about U.F.O.'s, and Sonny Bono will always just be Sonny Bono and nothing more.

And now what we all been waiting for, Feff's top ten Speakers of the House of all time:

10. John Bell
9. Langdon Cheves
8. Nicholas Longworth
7. Schuyler Colfax
6. Linn Boyd
5. Galusha A. Grow
4. Howell Cobb
3. Carl B. Albert
2. Theodore M. Pomeroy
1. Four letters: N-E-W-T