Thumbs Down to Movies

This was a pretty dull week in my life, work was slow, and I became increasingly bummed at the thought that I would have to go back to school soon. The saying goes that you must fight fire with fire, well if that is true then there is no better way to fight boredom than by watching a movie. There are a lot of bad movies out there. I rarely go out to movie theaters any more because it's easier to watch a movie at home, and I hate paying $4 for a box of 6 swedish fish. Also at home you can dislike a movie and it would be o.k., but at the theater you try your hardest to find some good in the movie your watching so you don't feel like you just wasted $7 on some piece of crap. Well to get to my point, I saw a few movies this week, both on video and on cable, and I will now save you the trouble of watching them by reviewing them for you.

First up is a movie called "Andre." "Andre" is about the touching friendship between a little girl and a seal; and if that is not enough to turn you away from this movie then you need help. I watched the movie for two reasons, one, it was based on a true story, and two, Keith Carradine was in it. I always liked Keith Carradine since his well crafted portrayal of Foxy Funderburke, the serial killer pedophile, in the classic T.V. mini-series "Chiefs." I hoped he would be playing a similar role in "Andre," but I was dissapointed in seeing him casted in the good-guy role, as the little girl's father who finds Andre and nurses him back to health. I kept watching, however, clinging on to the one hope that the seal dies in the end, thus making it a worthwhile movie. Once again my hopes were crushed. The seal does eventually die, but it doesn't get shot or get caught in an oil slick like I envisioned. Also, the movie "Andre" had a very disturbing, yet banal liberal message. Like other movies dealing with animals, the message of "Andre" was animals are smart and good, while humans are dumb and bad. One character in the film is portrayed as the bad guy because he advocates killing seals because they were eating all the fish supply in the harbor. The man was a fisherman who couldn't put food on the table because seals were eating up all the fish, and he is portrayed as being evil because he wants to kill them. Although this is a family movie, I would not want my kids getting that message. I plan on teaching my children that Man is the supreme ruler of the earth, and he has the power and the right to shape this Earth as he sees fit. And pity to any animals who try to get in his way. If animals are so damn smart, how come you don't see any of them with their own Web pages?

O.K., next up is a movie called "The Air Up There." This movies stars Kevin Bacon as a young hot-shot assistant basketball coach at a successful university, who goes to Africa to follow a top prospect. Despite a farce of a story-line, I watched it simply because it was a sports movie with some decent game scenes. First of all, the writers expect the audience to believe that Kevin Bacon's character was once a dominant college basketball star who led his team to the National Championship, before blowing out his knee and ruining his shot at the N.B.A. I'm sorry, that was a poor casting job, noone in their right mind could ever imagine Kevin Bacon as a dominant basketball player; Tom Hanks, maybe, Denzel Washington, yes, Kevin Bacon, not in a million years. Also there is another bad message in technology and industry being portrayed as bad, while the simple, rustic, cattle-raising lifestyle of the Wannabi tribe is portrayed in a positive and romantic light. I'm sorry folks, there's nothing that Africa needs more than a little technology and industry. And if some backwards native tribes get in the way of that, then they better learn to adapt to a new lifestyle quick or get out of the way. Just think how America would be if we didn't solve our Indian problem. Looking at movies, I'm beginning to think that Emerson and Thoreau are alive and well and working for Hollywood. Transcendentalism my ass, they can have nature, I'll keep my pentium chip.

Well, pending on your political beliefs, you probably think I'm a jerk right now, so I think I'll go on to my last movie. But before you judge me, just let me say that I'm not a jerk, I'm just Feff. Well the last movie is called "Cabin Boy," and it stars Chris Elliot. This movie was shorter than 90 minutes, but it felt longer than Ghandi. I can't say a good thing about this movie. Yes, Chris Elliot is a brilliant actor, but even he couldn't save this movie. I won't even waste your and my time by describing how bad this movie was. I'll just say that you would be better off watching Nascar racing on ESPN2 than this movie.

O.K. that is all for this week, so in conclusion, the candy sold at movie theaters is greatly overpriced, Humans kick ass, and DO NOT ATTEMPT TO WATCH THE MOVIE CABIN BOY.

And by the way, if you are planning on voicing out your dislike of my beliefs, please don't, I am an Internet debate champion, and I only would cause damage to your ego.

Well to keep in line for this week, I am giving you my top ten favorite movies of all-time:

10. Top Secret
9. Field of Dreams
8. Catch 22
7. The Kentucky Fried Movie
6. Hoosiers
5. Dr. Strangelove
4. Fast Times at Ridgemont High
3. The Natural
2. 2001
1. Strange Brew: The Adventures of Bob and Doug Mackenzie