The Problem in Somalia: All You Need is a Kazoo and a Dream

Earlier in the week, Joe, who you could call the producer of Feff World (myself being the talent), suggested that I should write a Weekly Whack on censorship on the Internet. After he uploaded me a series of graphs and pie charts showing how such a Whack would appeal to a large number of people on the Web, I thought it may be a good idea to do it. But then I figured, the hell with that, I don't feel like wasting my time defending my rights as an American, so if you want to learn about censorship go to the Usenet or something. As for now, let's talk about kazoos and the trouble in Somalia.

As you may remember, back to that one month the press still cared, there were a bunch of starving people in Somalia and we sent troops there as part of an U.N. effort. As many U.N. ventures, nothing was accomplished, and we lost money and lives. Well, being an armchair U.N. ambassador, I drew up a plan on how we could really solve the problem in Somalia.

To put my plan in effect, all is needed is for all of the members of the U.N. to chip in and build a series of kazoo factories in Mogadishu (god bless you). In these factories, all the woman in Somalia, over the age of 21, will be employed on the assembly line making the kazoos, bringing home a sack of rice each month. Then, we wouldn't sell the finished product, but give them away to all male Somalians over the age of 21. Now the U.N. would lose a lot of money in this program, but they don't care since most of it is coming from the U.S. anyway. O.K., so now we have Somalian women working in the factory, and Somalian men with a kazoo that they don't have the slighest clue what it is or how to use it.

Well, my next step in my plan would be to send in the Peace Corps to give lessons on how to play the kazoo to the male citizens of Somalia. But while they were there, the Peace Corps would also build a boardwalk on the coast that would be loaded with white owned and operated casinos and brothels. This would boost up the tourist industry in Soamlia greatly. People from all over the world would come to Somalia to gamble and clean out their pipes, without worrying about being hassled by the natives who would be too busy working in a factory, or playing the Kazoo.

Now you may be wondering how this plan would help the people of Somalia. You see, the white owners of the casinos and brothels would become so independently wealthly that a great deal of money would surely trickle down to the starving Somalians in the form of charity. All that these backward third-world countries need is a good dose of Reagan-nomics.

So, in conclusion, censorship is wrong, the United States should get out of the United Nations, and it's about time that gambling and prostitution are made legal throughout America, and the world.

This weeks added bonus, the top ten songs that Feff likes to play on his Kazoo:

10. Beck's Bolero -Jeff Beck
9. Cruel to be Kind -Nick Lowe
8. Breed -Nirvana
7. Introduction to Also Sprach Zarathustra -Richard Strauss
6. Mona Lisa -Slick Rick
5. Sound Your Funky Horn -KC and the Sunshine Band
4. Goodnight Saigon -Billy Joel
3. Rosealia -Better Than Ezra
2. Walking in my Big Black Boots -Ice Cube
1. Kick out the Jams -MC5