The Not Really Funny Pages

All you faithful Feff World visitors know, this is the tenth installment of the Weekly Whack. There is no joke to that, but I just thought I would mention that little factoid. But on to real business, I thought this week I would write about the only section of a newspaper that a typical Feff World visitors reads, according to recent study by the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the comics. So I will go through a typical comics page in a typical newspaper, choosing strips that hopefully are syndicated throughout the country and not just where I live, and give you my thoughts about them.

Calvin and Hobbes - For those not in the know, Calvin and Hobbes chronicles the adventures of a kid with a over-active imagination, Calvin, and his imaginary tiger friend, Hobbes. Calvin and Hobbes is a typically funny strip, but it fails to teach our children the important lessons they need to become good citizens. Calvin is just an annoying little punk, with little ambition, and even less morals. In ten years Calvin is going to end up in jail and that feline sidekick of his is going to be jumping through hoops at the Barnum and Bailey Circus.

B.C. - B.C. is a strip depicting life on Earth in prehistoric times. The main thing about B.C. is that it is somewhat historically inaccurate, showing cavemen and dinosaurs living side by side. But if you can overlook that, B.C. is still a hard comic to get into because there isn't really a main charachter that you can get to know and love. Sometimes it is about nameless cavemen, sometimes it's about talking ants, and sometimes it's about prehistoric turtles. It's a virtual potpourri. But hey it is the only comic strip with its own golf tournament, so it can't be all that bad.

Andy Capp - Andy Capp is about the life of some British guy. Everybody talks with a British accent, and it is loaded with British humor. In other words, it sucks.

Hi and Lois - Hi and Lois is everybody's favorite comic strip because it is about your typical American family. It's got the golf-alholic father, the working mother, the lazy teenager, the squabbling siblings, the neglected baby, and the alcoholic neighbor. If I wanted to teach foreigners about life in a white-bread, American suburb, Hi and Lois would be the only teaching aide I would need.

For Better or for Worse - For awhile I thought For Better or for Worse was the perfect comic strip. It had compelling story line, the people actually got older, it taught important lessons, and it was very funny. Then one day I discovered that the whole thing was based in Canada and I never read it again.

Doonesbury- Doonesbury, which is sometimes found in the editorial section, is a comic strip for those people who watch Meet the Press and stuff like that. I don't really understand it, but the people in it have funny noses.

Garfield - Garfield was like real popular in the eighties, but now it is on its way out. Unless there is a drastic change in story line, like Odie becoming a rabid beast, people will just lose interest.

Blondie - Blondie was like real popular in the forties, but now it is on its way out. Unless there is a drastic change in story line, like Dagwood becoming a rabid beast, people will just lose interest.

Cathy - Cathy might be funny if I was a middle-aged woman, but until that day, it sucks.

Ziggy - Ziggy at one point was the coolest thing in the comics page, but all he is now is a sell-out. He doesn't put much effort in the comic strip any more because he is too busy making greeting cards and coffee mugs. Ziggy is a big star with a big ego, and he has lost his roots on his climb up.

The Family Circus - Is it me or is The Family Circus not really that funny? All it is a family with a bunch of kids that say stupid things. Maybe to some people it is funny, but I just find it annoying. I just want to slap Dolly and say, "What are you some idiot!?" And we wonder why Japan is housing all over us in education.

Beetle Bailey - I bet the United States Army is getting sick and tired of being scoffed at through such irreverant comic strips as Beetle Bailey. I wouldn't be surprised if a billion-dollar mission is in the works right now to to kill Mort Walker, the writer and cartoonist of Beetle Bailey. But if I was Mort I wouldn't worry much because hey, this is the United Stated Army were talking about.

Hagar the Horrible - Sorry I just don't really find any humor in Vikings.

The Wizard of Id - Sorry I just don't really find any humor in oppressive, tyrannical kings.

Peanuts - I saved this one for last because it always was one of my favorites. But in reality, Peanuts is a very demented comic strip. Charlie Brown has no hair, which means that he either has cancer, or is a Neo-Nazi skinhead. Linus is an active member of the Ku Klux Klan who, at night, uses his beloved blanket as a hood and burns crosses on Franklin's yard. Snoopy is a frigging World War One veteran with a bad case of shell shock, who frequently loses touch with reality and has combat flashbacks. And then there are Peppermint Patty and Marcy who are devout lesbians. Marcy always calls Peppermint Patty sir, obviously stressing her role in the relationship. Our children should not be reading the Peanuts.

So to conclude for this week, dinosaurs never lived along side cavemen, Canada sucks, and Charles Schulz is a sick man. Now for this week's special feature, my top ten comic strips that I never read under any circumstances.

10. Terry and the Pirates
9. Dilbert
8. Apartment 3-G
7. Broom Hilda
6. Mark Trail
5. Mary Worth
4. The Lockhorns
3. The Better Half
2. Prince Valiant
1. Momma