Tennis Anyone?

As you may have noticed, unless you live in a cave in the Andes Mountains on the Chilean coast, the U.S. Open Tennis Championship kicked off this past week at the United States Tennis Center in New York City. Being an avid tennis fan, I watched around 25 hours of all those exciting early round matches, and I made a couple observations about professional tennis that I thought I would share with you.

First I think I'll cover women's tennis. The thing with women's tennis is that there is only about four or five real good women tennis players, and the rest wouldn't be able to beat Pat Summerall in best of three sets. If it is not the final or semi-finals I just can't watch women's tennis. All I saw this week would be Graf, Seles, or Sabatini serve and then some no name player return it straight into the net. No volleys, no winners, just a lot of unforced errors. Talking about Graf, her father is currently in a German prison for tax evasion. This really shows something about German law, as radio genius Don Imus pointed out, when the guy who stabed Monica Seles is walking free, yet Steffi Graf's father is locked up for tax evasion. By the way, I'm really happy Monica Seles is back playing tennis. She really brings a lot to the game, she could probably play on the men's tour and still crack the top ten. She's like the perfect woman: good looking, nice smile, great personality, mad ass duckets, and a smoking forehand. And bringing up the differences between the men's and women's tour, I hate those women who still think women's tennis is superior just because Billie Jean King beat Bobby Riggs. Billie Jean King was number one in the world at the time, and Bobby Riggs was 75 YEARS OLD!! You can't compare the two tours. Boris Becker could blow out Steffi Graf, Michael Chang could crush Monica Seles, and even I could beat Lindsey Davenport. But if I ever did play Lindsey Davenport, I would want it on TV, and I would want some guy with a British accent to give the commentary.

It's something about British sports announcers that just brings a whole different aspect to watching sports, especially tennis and golf. They're knowledgeable, making references to players from the 19th century, they're poetic, using 342 words to describe the moon rising over Center Court, they're witty, well only if you like British humor, and they're polite and civil, compared to announcers like John MacEnroe who have to be reminded constantly that this is a family show. And Johnny Mac, I love the guy, he was a great player, but if he whines one more time about how the pros today should use wooden rackets I'm gonna walk over to Flushing, wait for him in the parking lot, and beat the ever-loving crap out of him! Come on Johnny, we know you were good and you used wooden rackets, but don't feel threatened just because 90 year old comedian George Burns can serve in the nineties with a metal racket. Another announcer that I could do without is Martina Navratilova. She's very bitter and she always centers on each players negatives, sometimes even scoffing as players make errors. What's with these former players and their big egos? Come on Martina, lighten up, not everyone is as good as you were. Now there may be nothing better than a British announcer, but nothing compares to American players.

Nothing fills me with more pride than watching an American tennis player. I don't know about you, but when Jeff Tarango stormed off the grass courts if Wimbledon, I was so filled with pride that I stood up, saluted the flag, and sang the Star-Spangled Banner. But at least American players show some life. I can't stand those German players who just grunt their way through matches, occasionally cursing to themselves in German. They're not having any fun. Like Luke Jensen, he gets killed everytime he tries to play singles, but he's having a great time and people love him, that is what tennis is all about. How could anybody root for someone lifeless, like Thomas Muster or Boris Becker?

Before I call it wraps, I just want to share something funny I saw, that I was reminded of by talking about showing no life. I was watching a men's match, I really don't remember the players, and one player whipped out a wild backhand and it hit a ball-boy, who was crouching at the net, square in the side of the head. It must have been painful, but I couldn't stop laughing. And the kid, who must have been in extreme pain, showed no reaction, just staying crouched down, as if nothing happened. Talk about disclipline! Eventually, however, the player who hit the ball went over to see if he was alright, and the ball-boy motioned to the crowd that all was well. And on that happy ending, I will conclude.

So in conclusion, there is no justice in Germany, men's tennis is far superior to women's tennis, and Martina Navratilova is a bitter old maid.

This week's special feature is Feff's top ten tennis player:
10. Patrick Rafter
9. Sal Caruso
8. Jaime Yzaga
7. Shuzo Matsuoka
6. Luke Jensen
5. Philsom Yim
4. Justin Gimelstob
3. Roy Wattanasin
2. Mitchell Stein
1. Michael Chang