Bingo, Styx, and Mike Tyson
June 29, 1997

Although there are many times when I have no idea what to write the Whack on each week, there a few times when there is so much going on that I have many ideas for the week's Whack. The latter can be used to describe this past week. There is so much going on, but only a limited space to write about it all. Thus I'm forced to make a decision. I could write this week's Whack about my new hobby of playing bingo, I could write it about the Styx concert I attended this past Sunday at the Garden State Art Center, or I could just write the Whack about Tyson biting Holyfield's ear off. All three are definitely workable topics for the Whack. Well, since I tend to be a bit indecisive, I think I won't pick one of the three topics to write the Whack about, but talk about all of them.

Lets start off with bingo. Yep, it is true, Feff is now an avid bingo player. Don't laugh, it is a fun game, and it is something to do. You see, after a hard day at work I always try to find something to do with my friends so I can relax for a bit. The only problem is that most of the time the options are limited. I can't go to the mall much anymore because school's out and more and more freaks are hanging out at the mall, and those peight hour week in about three and a half hours. So what's a hapless nineteen-year-old stuck in the suburbs to do? The answer is bingo. It's relaxing, it's relatively inexpensive (unless you are one of those freaks who play like fifty cards at a time), and at times it can be a lot of fun. So now whenever my friends and I are looking for something to do, we go play bingo. We have it down now so we know where the bingo is happening in the area on each night of the week.

I know what you're thinking: "Aren't you a bit young to be playing bingo?" Well yes, it is true that the vast majority of the people there are old ladies above the age of sixty. But bingo is still a good place to pick up chicks. Yeah, you pick them up off the floor after their pacemaker stops. But the old ladies are always happy to see a few young faces, just as long as you don't win. The only thing is that whenever we play bingo they always card us at the door since you have to be over eighteen to play bingo in New Jersey. It's nuts. I swear it must be easier for someone underage to buy cigarettes or alcohol than racking than waiting on one number in bingo. The one time I waiting on G-50, and when the caller called the next number he was like, "G, fifty................... four." I swear I nearly shit a brick. However I'm kind of nervous that if I ever do win I will be too excited and mess up shouting bingo. I could see myself shouting something like ringo, or bongo. That would be pretty embarrassing, and I would probably lose the respect of all the old ladies.

Ok, now on to the Styx concert. I mentioned before that the concert was at the Garden State Art Center. However, that is not exactly true since now it is called the PNC Bank Art Center at the Garden State. I simply hate this new trend of corporations paying big money so arenas and stadiums can be huge billboards for them. What will big business try to get to filthy hands on next? My guess is colleges and universities. I can see it already. "Today in the IBM Bowl we have a classic battle between the number one team in the nation the Nike University Cornhuskers, and the number two team, the Pepsi State Seminoles." Enough to make you sick. But talking about enough to make you sick, the opening act for Styx was Pat Benatar. It's like after you sing Love is a Battlefield, get the hell off the stage. I don't give a crap about songs off your new album because I won't buy your new album, just like I never bought any of your old albums. Nobody is here to see you, we came for Styx, so go home. I swear, during one song she pulled up a bunch of people on stage to help sing a song, and only about half of them knew what the words were. And her guitarist was busting out these big solos like he was good or something. If you are such a rocking guitar player, why the hell are you playing for Pat Benatar? Luckily Styx absolutely kicked ass. Tommy Shaw finally got all that Damn Yankees nonsense out of his system so now he back with Styx and they are better than ever. I think I can go as far as saying that Styx surpassed REO Speedwagon to become the the best live performance by a group I ever saw. And that is definitely saying a lot. However I went to the concert with my brother and a friend of his, and I would have to say that we were definitely some of the youngest people there. It seems that have been a trend with me lately this summer. I work in a deli where most of the workers are middle-age women. I go to the racetrack where most of people are old men. I play bingo with a bunch of old ladies. And I go to Styx concerts with people mostly in their late-thirties. I feel like I am losing touch with my generation. Then again, being that I come from a generation that embraces pot, Extreme Games, and the Spice Girls, maybe it is not that bad of a thing.

Ok, now lets finally turn to Mike Tyson. What the hell was that guy thinking? There is no excuse for biting some guy's ear off. He was trying to rationalize it by saying that Holyfield head-butted him first, but that is still no excuse. I've played my brother in tennis many times where I thought he cheated me on a few crucial point, but I never bit his ear off. Sure I've considered it, but I have a little thing called restraint. And then he said some crap like he has a family to raise. Yeah, good example to set for your kids, biting some guy's ear off. I wouldn't want to be the bully who pick on those kids. But I don't think they should ban Tyson for life. They should let him have one more match against Andrew Golota, no holds barred. It would be great, Tyson will be biting his ear, Golota will be punching him below the belt, it will be a pay-per-view bonanza.

Well I think it is time to disqualify this Whack, so to conclude for this week, old ladies are cool to hang out with; Mike Tyson is crazy; and the guitarist for Pat Benatar is definitely no Neal Schon.

Now for this week's very special feature, Feff's top ten favorite groups and artists that he still has to see in concert before they decide that they are too old to tour anymore:

10. Kenny Loggins

9. Billy Joel

8. Boston

7. The Who

6. David Bowie

5. Chicago

4. Squeeze

3. Cheap Trick

2. Paul Westerberg

1. Journey