Weekly Whack: Vegetarians and Gay People
Vegetarians and Gay People
July 13, 1997

Ever feel like pissing people off? Well I'm in that kind of mood right now. It's Monday night, this Whack is already late (this time I can't blame Joe), and I don't any real idea on what I want to write it one. So I think I'll write about two groups of people who tend to get to me at times, vegetarians and gay people. There is no real connection between the two groups aside from the one eats a lot of fruit, while the other just is a bunch of fruits, and also that I tend to run into an inordinate amount of both groups when I'm at college. But I figured someday when I'm some famous comedian or writer or what not, doing something like this may get me in trouble or something, so might as well do it now while I have a chance. So if you are a vegetarian, gay, both, or just any leftist freak without a sense of humor, please don't read any further.

Working in a supermarket deli, I would be on the hit list of any vegetarian militia. I cut roast beef with the blood dripping down on my hand, and I still have no problem sleeping every night with a smile on my face. I don't find anything wrong with eating meat. The only reason I see for a person not to eat meat is if he or she has some sort of health problem that would prohibit it. I have no problem with people who are vegetarians not by choice, but by circumstance. Maybe they had a heart attack or two, and they have to start eating salads; but once the doctor gives them the ok, they'd be back eating Whoppers in no time. Aside from that, although, there is no good reason not to eat meat. Still there are many people who refuse to eat meat for other health reasons. They'll tell you that meat is bad for you, and other crap like that. I think you know these sort of vegetarians, it's those women you see carrying their little bottle of water everywhere they go. I mean you could go to a funeral and there would be some lady there carrying a bottle of water just to make sure that she gets her eight glasses of water (as doctors recommend) in-between grieving. Why do you think that there are so few female astronauts? It's not because they are mentally or physically inferior, it's because there is no room in the space suit for their water bottle. But getting back to the point, eating meat won't kill you. If eating meat is so deadly, how come it was the cavemen who learned how to hunt animals and eat meat that evolved? And anyway, I would rather die younger eating meat, than live longer eating lettuce. What's the point of living longer if you can't live?

"I don't eat meat because it's cruelty to animals." Anybody who uses that excuse to defend vegetarianism should be shot. I feel so strongly against these sort of people that it brings out of the Fascist in me. These sort of vegetarians are mostly ignorant teenage girls, or those woman who don't shave their armpits and listen to the Indigo Girls. And I don't mean to be picking on the ladies when I talk about vegetarians, it's just that for some reason most vegetarians are in fact female. True, there are some male vegetarians, but they are all gay, and I'll be getting to those people later. Look around people, we are the ones who built the big buildings, and are driving around in the cars, and ruling over this fine Earth. It sure the hell isn't the freaking cows. The pigs and the cows didn't tame this Earth, we did. So we have every right to eat them. They may say that pork is the food of the devil, but it can't be all bad since, according to the Bible, Satan is the second most influential being in the universe. And Jesus didn't waste any of his miracles by creating baskets full of tofu, he fed the hungry with fish, which, although was never walking on four legs, is still meat. Thus the supreme rulers of both good and evil both endorse the eating of meat, so why can't everybody? But no, they'll insist that Jesus was inhumane for eating the meat of those poor, innocent fish. Well that's bullshit, it's called the food chain, live with it.

Anyhoo, a vast majority of these vegetarians lives aren't so pure and humane as they would like people to think. For example, many of these vegetarians eat eggs. In my opinion, that's even worse. At least when I eat some ham, or enjoy a hamburger, I know that the pig and the cow both enjoyed a marvelous life, where they were treated like kings, and fed better than most humans, before they were slaughtered. But when you eat a egg you ended the life of that chicken before it even had a chance to see sunlight. And imagine the grief of the mother. How would you like your newborn taken away from you for breakfast? In addition, many these vegetarians eat dairy products. So they don't want to kill the cow, but they don't mind if it is sexually molested every morning of its entire life. If I was a cow, I'd rather be slaughtered than undergo that sort of abuse. And even if you manage to stay away from eggs and dairy products, you still aren't really animal-friendly by just eating vegetables. Farmers spend a lot of time and resources killing insects and other rodents and small animals that threaten their crops. When you eat a hamburger, at least you know only one cow was killed for it, but when you eat some lettuce, there could have been dozens of cute little bunnies wiped out in defense of it. So people, please stop complaining and eat some meat.

Ok, time to turn to gay people for this final little paragraph. Before you start labeling me, let me assure you that I am not homophobic. I am very sure about my sexuality, and I don't fear gays, I just don't really understand them. It may sound insensitive, but I'm hoping that it is biological and somebody will find a cure for it, or that it is just some big fad, and eventually people will grow tired of it. But it is just that I find the whole thing really weird. Like why do some male gay people act feminine, and some female gay people act masculine? I thought the whole point was that they werembers of the opposite sex. So why would a gay guy be attracted to another gay guy who acts and dresses like a woman, and likewise why would a lesbian be attracted to another lesbian who acts and dresses like a man? It goes against the whole point of being gay. Like say I was attracted to brunettes and not blondes. Why would I seek a girl who is a brunette but died her hair blond? It just doesn't make sense to me. A gay guy won't have sex with a woman, but he'll go after any guy wearing a wig, red pumps, and a dress? And what's the difference between being dominated by a man and being dominated by a woman? And what's this whole deal with lesbians being a turn on for guys. Sure in theory it sounds like it would work, but have you seen most lesbians? They give me nightmares not wet dreams.

Well I think it is time that I slaughtered this Whack and made a sandwich out of it, so to conclude for this week, vegetarians anger me; gay people perplex me; and compared to the two, Hawaiians seem perfectly normal.

Now for this week's very special feature, Feff's top ten animals that he would eat if given the opportunity to:

10. Gila Monster
9. Kangaroo Rat
8. Ocelot
7. Malayan Tapir
6. Opossum
5. Prairie Dog
4. Aardvark
3. Chinchilla
2. Polar Bear (excluding Kuma the Bear)
1. Yak