|Got Milk? (And a very long sentence about February)|
|September 15, 1997|
Hey, here are some things I threw together in my writing class. The first is a brief story I had involving an accident I had awhile back before there was Feff World, and the other is the result of an assignment where I had to just write on long sentence that was a page long.
Got Milk? We all know those commercials. They make us laugh, they make us thirty, but to me those commercials have a completely different meaning. Those commercials are sick, those commercials haunt me. You see it all started two days after I finished my junior year of high school. I was home alone, not much going on, it was raining out, and I didn't have a summer job yet. So I was walking through my kitchen, and I opened the refrigerator door out of reflex. "Oh Shit!" I thought to myself. "We don't have any milk." You have to understand, milk is the lifeblood of my family. We can't function without it. My mom needs it for her morning cup of coffee, and my brothers and I need it for our cereal. I was supposed to go out looking for a job the next day, and the whole process would just be that much more difficult if I didn't have my daily bowl of Fruity Pebbles. Thus being the nice guy that I am, I decided to get milk for my family. So I grabbed my driver's license that I just got in January, some money from the family kitty, the keys to my mom's minivan, and I set off on a quest to bring back milk. Now cops aren't known for their senses of humor, but the one who wrote up my accident report, whether it was intentional or not, definitely knew how to bring light to an otherwise tragic situation. "Driver #1 said he was traveling on Bell Ave. when the milk fell off the seat and under his feet..." Ok, I realize that I probably should have gotten a bag for the gallon of 2% milk and half gallon carton of skim milk I bought, but I was in a hurry. I just grabbed them and left the store. And I also realize that the seat next to me wasn't the best place to put the milk, but I didn't feel like reaching all the way in the back just to put the milk in a safe place. I was less than five minutes from my house, what could go wrong? Well it was the skim milk that fell when I took the sharp right turn onto Bell Ave. It's my mom who drinks skim milk. Why couldn't she just drink real milk like the rest of us? And I wasn't going that fast when it all happened. I'm a good driver, I swear, I just made a couple bad mental mistakes. And it was the next mistake that hurt me the most. As it continued in the accident report: "... So he reached down to get it." Now what would you do in my situation? There's a half gallon carton of milk rolling around your feet, of course you're going to reach down to grab it! "Palermo said when he got back up he was driving in the woods over rocks and weeds." Well a minivan is a tough car to control. You make one false move, and the car takes on a mind of its own. I realize now that I should have just pulled over and safely taken care of the fallen milk, but when things happen so quickly, you don't have time to think out every option. "Vehicle #1 hit the 25 MPH sign then continued into the woods and weeds landing on rocks." I knew the accident was bad when I saw that sign smash through the windshield right in front of me. It made a noise so loud that joggers a half mile down the road heard it and came to see what happened. Obviously the speed limit sign was damaged, so the cop, who was nice the whole time, and kind of felt sorry for me, was forced to give me a careless driving ticket and a seventy-five dollar fine. I could have fought it, but I just wanted to put the whole thing behind me as quickly as possible. They replaced the sign two weeks later, and now I can't drive by it without tensing up even the slightest bit. Well thus concluded the report on my milk related accident. We all laugh about it now, but it really was a significant accident. I didn't get hurt or anything, but I really messed up the minivan pretty bad. It was something like ten thousand dollars of damages. It sent my mom's insurance through the roof, and it just set a bad tone for what I hoped to be a good summer. Oh yeah, in case you were still wondering about the milk. The milk miraculously came out of the whole thing undamaged. The next morning, my mom had her coffee with her skim milk, and my brothers had their cereal. I still had my bowl of Fruity Pebbles, but it just didn't taste the same. Got Milk? Well I got milk, and I paid a huge price for it. So now I can't turn on the TV, flip through a magazine, or look at a billboard without being mocked by the American Dairy Association for my brief moment of misfortune.
Sentence About February:
I was thinking the other night about the month of February and the fact that it only has twenty eight days, or twenty-nine every four years on leap year, and I came to the conclusion that it must really be tough to be the month of February, and if I had to choose between being any of the twelve months, February would be the last one that I picked because of a certain reason which is that if you think of the whole Jovian calendar as just one big men's locker room, then the amount of days each month has is analogous to the size of it's penis, and the average size for months is thirty days and some months have thirty-one, while October is the longest with thirty-one days, plus an extra hour that is adding on to the month because of that daylight savings nonsense, so thus October is the longest month and hence is the Long Dong Silver of the calendar, and it may be interesting to point out that I was born in October and there may be a coincidence there if you want to analyze things, but anyway, getting back to February, it only has twenty-eight days, and twenty-nine when erect, so it has the smallest penis of the entire calender so I could imagine that it has a real inferiority complex like I bet February has to go to the gym everyday to lift weights and make up for his inadequacies along with driving around expensive sports cars like Porsche's and what not, although it is interesting to point out the Black History Month is in February which is kind of ironic if you buy into a particular cultural stereotype which I do not, because I believe that stereotyping people is wrong, and it is something that would not have been done by either George Washington or Abraham Lincoln who were both born in the month of February, although I don't think either of them really felt that inadequate, I mean Lincoln was something like six foot six, and I'm sure Washington was no midget himself, however I wondered if they get perturbed because instead of being celebrated individually, they are celebrated with all the other crappy presidents in Presidents Day, leading me to wonder what kind of crappy holiday that is, since I think they should be celebrated individually since they were both great presidents, and I could really use the extra days off.