Weekly Whack: In Defense of the American Childhood
Mr. Feff Goes Back to Washington
May 12, 1996

This past weekend I had the pleasure to spend some time in our nation's capital. I was there this past August with my father to drop my eldest brother, Mike, off at The American University; and this time I was back to watch him graduate. It was nice and all, but the only thing more boring than a commencement ceremony is listening to Walter Cronkite read Huxley's Brave New World out loud, skipping every other word.

Although the only site I got to see was a statue to the guy who used to clean the stable where George Washington's horse stayed, it is always neat being in Washington since that is where everything happens. However sometimes I wonder even if that is true anymore. Lately I have been seeing more action in a Major League Soccer match, than within the hallowed halls of the capital building. The electricity flowing in the minds of our noble congressmen wouldn't be enough to light an Amish village for a week. What used to be the Rolls Royce of governments, is now just one of those coin-operated trains in front of a supermarket. Sure the kids love it, they are all going up and down thinking they are in a real train, but in reality they are going nowhere. When all is said and done, no matter how many quarters go into that train, it will never go any further than the front of the supermarket. And that pretty much is the state of the United States government today, still stuck in front of the supermarket.

Talking about our government, Congress was debating two particularly interesting issues this past week. First of all, was the subject of the gas tax. As any motorist knows, the price of gas is very high nowadays. It seems like the price of a gallon of gas is trying to catch up to the price of a gallon of milk, and you can't dunk your Oreos in a glass of 89 octane unleaded gasoline. Obviously, Americans don't like paying more for gas, and they would like it very much if the price was lowered. So the Republican congressmen came up with the idea that if the four cent tax on gas was lifted, prices will lower. Well they are right. If the four cent gas tax was removed, then the price of gas would go down... about four cents. Personally I don't find a four cent price decrease all that significant, being that whenever I get my car filled up, I get overcharged at least a quarter by a gas station attendant who is trying to round up the price to the nearest prime number. So if removing the four cent gas tax won't significantly reduce the price of gas, then why are the Republicans so eager to do it? Well they think by doing this, the American public will notice and say, "Hey look at those nice Republicans working hard so I don't have to pay a lot for gas. They really must care a lot about me." When in reality, come November, the American public will still not vote for Bob Dole because they are afraid that one day he might reach for his medic-alert button, and accidentally bomb Brunei.

The second interesting issue being debated in Congress is the proposed increase in the minimum wage. The Democrats are for it, the Republicans are against it, and the lone Independent member of Congress is too busy getting the lunches for all the real congressmen to have an opinion of his own. Personally, I'm all for it. I mean the Mexican immigrants who have all those minimum wage jobs really work their asses off. I think they deserve a raise. The only drawback is that an increase in the minimum wage would mean fast-food employees will be making more money, which means we are all gonna have to shell out a little more for a Whopper. So if you think about it, the Republicans are attempting to lower the price the gas, and also trying to make sure we don't have to pay more for a Whopper. Hey that works for me. I couldn't ask for much more from a political party. Now if they only stopped pushing to print prayers on the outside of Big Gulp cups, then they would be even more appealing.

Well I think I'm gonna call this session of the Whack to a close, so to conclude for this week, it's about time the Amish got their own homepage; Bob Dole is old; and maybe it wouldn't be all that bad to 'accidentally' bomb Brunei.

OK, now for this week's special feature, the top ten people Feff would rather vote for in November than Bob Dole or Bill Clinton:

10. Jesse Jackson
9. Richard Bey
8. Al Franken
7. Tito Jackson
6. Marv Alberts
5. Charles Grodin
4. Andrew Jackson
3. Don Imus
2. Bob Barker
1. Reggie Jackson