Weekly Whack: ValuJets and Old People
ValuJets and Old People
May 19, 1996

I think enough time has passed since the tragic crash of a ValuJet passenger liner into the Everglades swamp near Miami, Florida, that I can reflect upon it. This tragedy that occurred last Saturday, took the lives of nearly 110 people, and was the topic of many debates throughout the country. I followed the events and the aftermath of the crash pretty closely, and I think I can add more than my two cents to the debate.

First of all, the big question surrounding the whole disaster, are low-budget airlines, like ValuJet, safe? I would have to say yes. Low-budget airlines have to meet the same safety standards that all the other real airlines have do. It's not that just because they are low-budget, they mend their wings with duct tape. All planes that fly out of America have to meet strict government standards, and ValuJet is no exception. In fact, this is the first time I remember ever hearing about a ValuJet crashing. You always hear about a Continental, Delta, or USAir jet crashing, but you just take it for granted, and don't think anything about it. But when one ValuJet goes down, it automatically must be because they are cheap. When you fly in a ValuJet, you have the same chance of crashing as if you were flying any other airline. Basically the thing with the jet going in the swamp, that was just one big, horrible fluke. However, one problem that some people have with low-budget airlines, like ValuJet, is that they do have older planes, and less experienced pilots than the mainstream airlines. So the combination of old planes and young pilots, may cause a little trouble.

I was thinking the other day, and it came to me that flying low-budget airlines, like ValuJet, is kinda like buying store-brand cereal. Sure they look like Froot Loops, they even taste somewhat like Froot Loops, but brother, they ain't Froot Loops. This comparison can even be taken a little further. You see, store-brand cereals don't come with cool toys inside, like a plastic bust of Henry Kissenger that changes color in warm water that I once got in a box of Fruity Pebbles, and in the same way, low-budget airlines don't come with a bag Planter's honey roasted peanuts. And personally, when I want a bowl of cereal, no matter what anybody says, I want my Froot Loops, and nothing less. When I eat cereal, and when I fly, I want the best, not the cheapest.

Moving on to one last question surrounding the ValuJet tragedy, if there were any survivors, would they be eaten by alligators? The answer to this one would have to be no. You see, alligators get a bad name in this society. An alligator would not eat a living human being. It is crocodiles that eat people, not alligators. Alligators are nice laid back reptiles, that just mind their own business. But because they look like crocodiles, who are viscous animals that would eat whole babies like Bill Clinton would eat a Milk Dud, they get a bad name. And dammitt, they don't taste like chicken. Alligators really get pissed when people say they taste like chicken. They have their own unique taste, that is completely different than that of chickens. Anyway, although alligators won't eat living humans, they have no qualms about eating dead ones. Alligators won't think twice about eating a dead human. And you know what? They say we taste like chicken.

My last subject for the week, that I would like to touch on briefly, is old people. One may say that old people have absolutely nothing to do with the ValuJet tragedy, but they do. People who fly low-budget airlines, like ValuJet, are people who like to save money, and there is no larger group of people who search for bargains than old people. My grandmother once drove 156 miles to go to a supermarket where she could save five cents on butter. I always wondered why. If I only had a handful of years left, I would spend my money like crazy. What's the use of saving money your whole life, and then not use it when you old? When I die, I don't want a single cent left, because then I know I lived my life to the fullest. Anyhoo, a lot of people say old people are bad drivers. I don't agree. Old people are good drivers, really old people are bad drivers. I'm sorry, but if you still look for the crank in back of the car, then you should not be driving. Another thing people say about old people is that they dress funny. Although this is true, I don't think anyone should really care. They paid their dues, they worked their whole lives, let them dress however the hell they want. Personally, I don't trust old people who don't dress funny. There's something fishy about a well dressed senior. And if they are well dressed, AND they combed their hair, forget it, they aren't human.

The reason I've been thinking about old people recently, is that there's gonna be a lot of them real soon. There are a whole lot of baby boomers that are getting old real quick, and my generation is the one that's gonna be stuck paying their social security. So I figure we better start getting use to old people, they're not going anywhere.

Well, I'm done for this week, so to conclude, eat Froot Loops; fly Continental; and be kind to alligators and old people.

Now for this week's very special feature, Feff's top ten favorite cereals of all time:

10. Corn Pops
9. Honey Nut Cheerios
8. Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch
7. Frosted Mini-Wheat
6. Crispy Wheat and Raisons
5. Froot Loops
4. Golden Grahams
3. Fruity Pebbles
2. Christmas Cap'n Crunch
1. Halfsies