Weekly Whack: Cool Hand Feff
Cool Hand Feff
June 2, 1996

One of the major staples of the summer season, along with sunburn, mosquito bites, and fat girls wearing tank tops, is the new movie releases. Along with Christmas, summer is the biggest season for movie sales. The reason for this being that it is hot outside, and movie theaters are air-conditioned. Also, movie studios always release their best movies during the summer, when they know it will have a big audience. So I decided, since I couldn't think of anything else to write about, to take a look at some of the movies out now, which are kicking off the summer movie season. As usual, I will be doing you the great service of saving you the price of a ticket, and of a box of Sour Patch Kids, by informing you of all the movies to avoid.

Twister - Unfortunately this is not a movie about the classic party game. What it is, is a movie geared towards the same people who rush to buy their tornado of the month calendar every year from the Weather Channel. No, you will not find Helen Hunt or Bill Paxton nude in this film, trying to put their left foot on a green circle. However you will see them both fully clothed, chasing a bunch of wind across the Oklahoma plains. Since this movie is a Steven Spielberg production, you know that there are going to be some pretty good special effects, and that the tornado in the film must somehow represent the plight of the Jews in the Holocaust. So if that is the sort of thing you like, by all means go see this movie, but if not, I will always have the Twister mat and baby oil ready for you.

Spy Hard - Yet another slap stick comedy starring Leslie Neilsen spun together in the tradition of "Airplane!." Personally, I've always believed that if you have seen one Leslie Neilsen movie, you have seen them all. It's all just Nielsen, the straight man, in the middle of an endless onslaught of wacky site gags and seventh grade humor. "Airplane!" was a classic, "Naked Gun" was a classic, but it is time to move on. Leslie Nielsen movies are losing their charm almost as fast as Jim Carrey movies.

Welcome to the Dollhouse - Talking about seventh grade humor, here is a dark comedy about the life of an 11-year-old girl misfit, and the trials and torments suffered by her at a hellish New Jersey middle school. After the movie "Kids", I never really trusted any filmmaker's perception of childhood and early-adolescence. This movie also seems a bit too deep and complex for my liking. I mean if I did a movie about the seventh grade, half of it would be about playing wiffleball and collecting baseball cards. The only movie about an 11-year-old girl that I would consider seeing, would be one written by an 11-year-old girl, and that will never happen because 11-year-old girls are all too busy swooning over Ben Savage.

Dragonheart - Here is a movie starring Sean Connery as the voice of a dragon. I think that alone is enough reason to not see this movie. I mean come on, what the hell is up with all this Medieval crap? I could see if it was a cartoon like "The Hobbit", but this is a live action movie starring Dennis Quaid. And does Hollywood really expect us to believe that a fierce fire-breathing dragon would have an Scottish accent? You might as well give it a Jamaican accent like, "Hey mon, I'm the fire-breathing rasta dragon." The whole thing is a joke. Dragons do not exist, and neither will Sean Connery's or Dennis Quaid's careers if they keep making movies like this.

Mission: Impossible - It's gonna be an impossible mission to try and get me to see this film version of an antiquated TV series. This trend of turning television shows into movies better stop right now. Nostalgia doesn't make good movies. TV shows belong on TV, movies belong in movie theaters, they are two completely different things. What's does this say about the future of movies? Will there be "Full House- The Movie?" I shudder even thinking about it.

Flipper - Everything I wrote for "Mission: Impossible" also applies here.

The Rock - This is some action-packed movie starring Nicolas Cage, Sean Connery, and Ed Harris, about some guy who took over Alcatraz. I hate how Nicolas Cage wins one Oscar and all of sudden people think he is a good actor. What about "Valley Girl," or "Raising Arizona," or even "Peggy Sue Got Married?" Can't all of a sudden forget about those. They weren't exactly Oscar material, were they Nick? However the one good thing I can think of about this movie, is that Sean Connery is not playing the voice of a dragon.

Eddie - This final movie I will look at is a winner starring Whoopi Goldberg as a big time basketball fan, who by some completely absurd, unbelievable occurrence, becomes coach of the Knicks. I don't care how drunk you are, there is no excuse for seeing this movie. You're better off renting both Sister Acts than going to see this tomfoolery. I mean Whoopi Goldberg coaching the Knicks? Come on, don't be ridiculous. The Nets maybe, but not the Knicks.

Well I am through for this week, so to conclude this Whack, Dennis Quaid has nothing on Bilbo Baggins; I have never seen a good movie where the main character was a storm front; and the one good thing I can say about this year's summer movies- NO NEW ROBIN WILLIAMS MOVIES!!!!!!

Now for this week's special feature, Feff's top ten television shows that he wouldn't mind being made into movies:

10. Parker Lewis Can't Lose
9. Dukes of Hazard
8. CHiPs
7. Saved by the Bell (And I don't mean another made-for-TV movie)
6. Three's Company
5. What's Happening
4. Sledge Hammer
3. Beavis and Butthead (Coming this winter :) )
2. Get a Life
1. The Simpsons