Weekly Whack: The Roots of Feff
The Roots of Feff
June 9, 1996

As you may have noticed, due to my busy schedule this Whack was a little on the late side. I apologize for this delay, and I promise that I will try my best in making sure that this doesn't happen again. Anyhow, to make it up to you, I have a very special treat. I was rummaging through my room and I found my old journal that I had to keep for English when I was a freshman. It was neat reading through it because most of the entries were quite Feff-like, though still very raw and unpolished. So for this week's Whack I would like to share with you a few choice entries from my journal. However I will definitely be sure to save a couple good entries for the next time I'm too busy or can't think about anything to write the Whack about.

11/24/92 - What I am Thankful For

The main thing I am thankful for this year is that I did not acquire the HIV virus, even with my high-risk lifestyle. I'm thankful for this because now I can still play basketball and I won't have to end my career. I think I learned my lesson this year, and my New Year's resolution will be to stop using dirty hypodermic needles.

12/10/92 - Free Topic

Yesterday, being a lunar eclipse, I went through a great metamorphous, turning into a rabid hairy beast, causing great terror through the streets of Hopatcong. This time, since I was on a diet, I only ate four small children and a dog. They had to call the National Guard to try and stop me, but I easily out-smarted them and continued my rampage. When the eclipse ended I changed back to normal and went home and watched Seinfeld.

12/15/92 - Christmas

I can not believe that we were assigned such a topic like this when right now thousands of people are dying of cancer. How can anyone even think of Christmas with all the pain and suffering in this world caused by cancer. This is why nothing is being done to help these victims, people are too involved in trivial Christmas things. Let me tell you, there is no Santa Clause for cancer patients. That is why I am dedicating my life to curing cancer... either that or writing trashy romance novels.

2/9/93 - Performing in Front of an Audience

One time when I had to perform in front of an audience was when I was captured by an African tribe while visiting Mozambique. The tribe all surrounded me, talking their strange language, just about to kill me. Then the chief led me to the village soapbox and everybody started yelling speech, speech. So I got up and recited Kennedy's 'New Frontier,' address that he gave at the 1960 Democratic Convention. The tribe members were so touched that at the end of the speech they gave me a standing ovation. The tribe aspired through my speech and developed into a civilized society.

2/23/93 - If I Was a Teacher...

If I was a teacher the thing that I would bring to the classroom would be my invisible friend Harvey, so if I get nervous I know I will always have Harvey to talk to. Harvey's been my friend since 'Nam when he saved my life in the swamps when I was reading Victor Lasky's novel, 'RFK: The Man and the Myth,' and when I got to the part when Robert Kennedy ordered the IRS to audit Richard Nixon after the '60 election, I was so stunned I screamed out NOOOOOOO. Then a dozen Viet Cong soldiers popped out from the swamp and surrounded me. Then Harvey whispered in my ear, 'Remember the Alamo.' I had no idea what Harvey meant so I told the Viet Cong all our military secrets and they let me go. This is why America was unsuccessful in winning the Vietnam War.

2/25/93 - Free Topic

I bet if Thomas Jefferson was alive today, besides being very old, would take back the statement of 'all men are created equal.' You see in Jefferson's day there were two types of 'men': Europeans and slaves (he classified Indians as a highly developed form of elk). So back then, yes, all 'men' were created equal. But today it is very different. Jefferson would have wrote: 'All men are created equal... except gays, Mexicans, Arabs, Republicans, people who wear plaid, English teachers, the Dallas Mavericks, Barry Manilow fans, and John Dean, chief witness against President Nixon in the Watergate hearings.

Well I think that is enough for this week, I hope you enjoyed this blast from my past, so to conclude, I kept my New Year's resolution from that year; I can't wait for the next lunar eclipse; and Thomas Jefferson was a real bigot.

Now for this week's very special feature, which has nothing to do with the content of the Whack, Feff's top ten favorite time periods in American history:

10. The Carter Years
9. The G' Funk Era
8. The Space Age
7. Last Week
6. The 'ME' Decade
5. Reconstruction
4. Colonial Times
3. The Roaring Twenties
2. The Era of Good Feelings
1. The Gay Nineties