A Good Walk Spoiled
June 16, 1996

First of all, I would like to wish all the father's reading this a happy Father's Day. Life wouldn't be possible without your half of the chromosomes, so keep up the good work guys. Anyway, if you are like my father, the way you spent this Father's Day was lying on the couch all day, eating potato sticks, and watching the US Open. That's right, this past week marked the beginning of America's golfing championship, the prestigious US Open. I always wondered what there was about golf that made it so popular. Personally I have always found it to be quite boring, but it is still the fastest growing sport all over the world. Which leads to the inevitable question of 'Why?'. Why is golf so popular? Well lets utilize this Whack to take a closer look at the phenomenon of golf, and try and solve the many mysteries that surround it.

In reality, I have not played a single round of golf in my life. My father is a great golfer, who in his prime consistently shot in the seventies, and both my brothers can stroke the ball fairly well, but for some reason I never picked up the game. I guess I just could never get into a sport where you can't skin your knees. You see, what I lack in athletic skill, I always make up with full force aggressiveness, but golf is one of the few sports where aggressiveness won't get you anywhere. And for that main reason, golf is not for me. However I am a miniature golf fiend. I'm the type of guy who brings his own putter to play miniature golf. I laugh at any obstacle that gets in my way. Like the mythical Don Quixote, I slay monstrous windmills with every stroke of my putter. Actually, I haven't played miniature golf in about two years, but the last time I played I had four hole-in-ones and I shot an eighteen on the front nine, which is pretty damn good if you ask me.

Another reason I don't think I ever picked up the game of golf is because it is an extremely expensive sport to play. In addition to hockey, golf has to be one of the most expensive sports to participate in. Not only do you need to spend hundreds of dollars for a set of clubs, a golf bag, and balls and tees, but you have to still pay exorbitant course fees every time you want to play. It's ridiculous, even if all you want to do is practice, you still have to dish out some cash at a driving range. As a result of this, it kinda narrows down the type of people who can play golf. Golf is not a sport for the masses, it's a sport solely for the privileged few. And these privileged few are pretty odd people, and this is shown by their wardrobe. Golfers are capable of wearing nice clothes, like some neutral-colored Dockers and a conservative golf shirt, but instead they usually go the opposite route. One example is blue pants. What possesses a person to wear blue pants? Are they color blind, or do they just don't have any mirrors where they live? And if they are not wearing blue pants, they are wearing knickers. What goes through the mind of a golfer that makes him think that it is still the nineteenth century? They way I figure, golfers have just enough money so they don't have to care about how they look anymore. Hey, if I was making six figures, I would run around during my leisure time wearing nothing but a cape, and still not have to worry about losing any friends.

Anyhoo, I have kind of been ducking what this Whack was really supposed to be about, answering the question of why golf is so popular. Why is a boring sport played by rich people, accepted by the masses? Well it's because golfers are just like us. They can be fat, skinny, short, tall, fast, or slow, and still play the game of golf. Professional basketball players are not like us, football players are not like us, and even baseball players are not like us. However for some odd reason, we relate to golfers. A perfect example of this is the winner of this year's US Open this past weekend- Steve Jones. That's right, the winner of the most prestigious golfing tournament in the nation was won by some average guy named Steve Jones. Practically no one had ever heard of Steve Jones before this year's Open, and now because of one glorious weekend, no one will be able to forget him. And that my friends is the reason why so many people like the game of golf.

Well I think I'll cut this Whack short for this week, so to conclude, miniature golf should be an Olympic event; blue pants are a fashion no no; and Steve Jones is a new American hero.

Now for this week's special feature, Feff's top ten non-network televised sports that would be more exciting than watching golf:

10. Shuffleboard

9. Table Tennis

8. Curling

7. Badminton

6. Handball

5. Spearfishing

4. Squash

3. Trapshooting

2. Platform Tennis

1. Lawn Bowling