Weekly Whack: The San Diego Zoo
The San Diego Zoo
August 18, 1996

In San Diego this past week, the big news story was not that the Padres were actually winning some baseball games this year. If you are some sort of Quaker who doesn't have cable yet, nor the fifty plus channels of wholesome cable goodness to choose from, you may have noticed while you were watching, gasp, network television, that the Republican National Convention was held this past week in San Diego.

Personally, I paid very little attention to what went on at the convention. Sure this is the first presidential election I actually get to vote in, and I want to go in the booth an educated voter, but I doubt my decision will be swayed much by some quasi-political pep rally loaded with out of tune marching bands, annoying cheerleaders, and `Freshmen Suck' chants. But I'm not saying that the convention didn't have its moments. The tribute to Reagan brought tears to my eyes. The guy was a icon of my childhood. I can't think about the eighties and growing up without thinking about wiffleball, Mr. T., the sitcom Family Ties, or Ronald Reagan. However, I would have to say that Democrats generally give better speeches than Republicans. Sure Colin Powell did a pretty good job, but he's no match for Mario Cuomo, Jesse Jackson, or a sober Teddy Kennedy. But at least the keynote address wasn't giving by a guy dressed up like George Washington like at the Libertarian Party Convention. Then again, I probably would have watched a little longer if Susan Molinari was dressed up like George Washington. As for Dole's speech, I didn't actually watch it, but I'm sure it was just grand.

Along with the regular network coverage, a few cable stations were also covering the convention. CSPAN and MNBC provided complete gavel to gavel coverage. CNN also obviously reported on it, and so did MTV. Wait a minute, who doesn't belong? CSPAN is, well, uh, CSPAN. CNN is THE Cable News Network. And MNBC is the future of cable news coverage. That leaves MTV, which is simply a twenty-four hour music channel. At least that is what it is supposed to be. However this past week MTV once again stepped over its bounds and covered the convention. Personally I think MTV has just about the same right to cover the Republican National Convention as the Home Shopping Network does. And they had the audacity to put their little convention show on at 11:30pm, the time slot usually set aside for Beavis and Butthead. When I'm lying on the couch after a hard days work, with my clicker in one hand, the last thing I want to watch at 11:30 is Allison Stewart reporting on the Republican National Convention. I want to see Beavis not Bob Dole. And did you happen to catch who MTV's on-the-floor convention correspondent was? It was Chuck D was the rap group Public Enemy. Yep, the same guy who sang `Fight the Power,' was covering the Republican National Convention. I guess MTV must really be trying hard this time to build up their credibility as a news station. But all in all I guess MTV is doing the country a service. Instead of voting for Lars Ulrich this year, the MTV drones will simply vote for whoever Tabitha Soren tells them to. Pretty scary, eh?

Well on the subject of the Republican National Convention, I went to my first rodeo this past Saturday. I would have to say that the rodeo was a lot like the convention: no black people, and a lot of bull. Anyhoo, going to a rodeo was definitely an experience. It was odd being there since I'm not exactly a rodeo type of guy. I wear Nike tennis sneakers, not cowboy boots; I chew Juicy-Fruit gum, not chewing tobacco; and I drive a Plymouth Reliant, not a pick-up truck. But besides that, I still had a good time. First of all, all those animal rights people who think that rodeos are cruel to animals, haven't been to much rodeos. I would much rather be the wild horse or bull, than the poor schmuck trying to ride it. I saw a few cowboys go home with some injuries, but the animals were doing just fine. But the best thing about the rodeo I went to can be summed up in two words: monkey cowboys. Yep, in-between two of the events, they brought out a bunch of sheep, and they were rounded up by three dogs with monkeys dressed as cowboys on their backs. It had to be the single greatest thing I ever saw. It was like these little monkeys dressed as cowboys, riding on the back of dogs, rounding up sheep. I'm telling you, it just doesn't get any better than that.

Well I think it is time I rounded up this Whack, so to conclude for this week, Ronald Reagan was like a wise old grandfather to me and to the country; Beavis is a better public speaker, and has more charisma than Bob Dole; and a two thousand pound bull definitely has the advantage over a hundred seventy pound cowboy.

Now for this week's special feature, the top ten people that Feff would rather see as Bob Dole's running mate than Jack Kemp:

10. Phil Simms (He definitely was a better quarterback than Kemp)
9. Colin Powell (Operation Desert Storm, enough said)
8. Christine Whitman (Better vice president than governor of New Jersey)
7. Muhammad Ali (America loves him, and he'll take the draft dodger vote away from Clinton)
6. Sonny Bono (I would have endless material for my Whacks)
5. Kerri Strug (Might as well strike while she's hot)
4. Ralph Nader (Won't be anymore motorcade accidents)
3. Drew Carey ( I don't know, I just like Drew Carey)
2. Michael Keaton (Hey, why not?)
1. Susan Molinari dressed up like George Washington