|
The Idiot Box |
| September 1, 1996 |
Well this was definitely a momentous week in the life of Feff. This past Wednesday I packed up the bulk of my belongings, (which pretty much consisted of a bunch of clothes, an E.L.O. Greatest Hits CD, and a poster of NBA great Danny Ferry), moved from my house in scenic Hopatcong, New Jersey, and temporarily relocated on the campus of Drew University in Madison, New Jersey. Now I could write this Whack about college life, but I'm gonna hold off a week or two to experience it a little more. Now what this Wha ck will be about, is television. You see, I haven't watched any television since I've been on campus, and I'm starti ng to show serious symptoms of withdrawal. Television has always been important to me, as it is to the bulk of society today, so that is why I decided to pick it as the subject of this week's Whack. Although the television was invented many years ago, it took some time bef ore it became the center-piece of culture as we know it today. The television got to this position due to two monumental inventions: the remote control (most commonly called the 'clicker'), and cable. What cable brought to the average viewer was options, and what the clicker brought, was easy accessibility to these options. The only way I can show you the significance of the clicker/cable combination is to try and demonstrate it in action as best as possible. -Power On-
"Well Geraldo, my friends think I have some problem because I find Wilford Brimley sexually attractive." -Click-
"And the defendant's finger-prints were found all over the tube of cherry- flavored Chap Stick." -Click-
"Hurricane Humberto is reeking havoc all along the Carribean, already causing one boat of Cuban refugees to be blown off course and land in Gary, Indiana." -Click-
"It's not my fault Tom, I just can't resist your brother when he uses his sexy Al Pacino voice." -Click-
"And if you buy the automatic food dehydrator/alarm clock now, we'll throw in an all-purpose self- cleaning spatula for free." -Click-
"Here's the wind-up, the pitch by Johnson... Ooh, I guess I see why umpires have to wear face masks." -Click-
"Not only will your three hundred dollar donation help fund fine programs like the one you were watching before we interrupted it, and help you watch public television without feeling guilty, but you'll also get a nifty tote bag." -Click-
"Uh Mr. Speaker, I would like to make a motion that we vote on House Referendum 3145440- R2D2L MNOP, which would limit health care coverage to white, natural-born Americans who have a disease that is spread by those really big mosquitoes." -Click-
"Ay! La vaca es loca!" -Click-
"Don't miss the huge Arbor Day sale at Sears this Monday! All clothing it ems that are both green and brown will be five percent off between the hours of 11:45 am and 2:34 PM." -Click-
"It's 10 PM, do you know where your cows are?" -Click-
"And the purpose of the cheetah's one-legged half-twist and a shuffle dance is to attract females for mating." -Click-
"It's Friday night. The kids are in bed. Nothing is on TV. Your wife is asleep. The dog is barking. It's Miller time!" -Click-
"Hi, I'm calling from Arkansas and I watch the Home Shopping Network every day, and I would just like to say that I bought the five-speed miracle juicer, and it changed my life." -Click-
"Coming up next on The Learning Cannel, the highly acclaimed documentary, 'The Miracle of Life Part Two: The Spermatoa Strikes Back'." -Click-
"And in other music news, it has been confirmed that Huey Lewis and Billy Idol are both still alive, and living together in an apartment in Baltimore." -Click-
"In just five easy courses you can learn how to perform complex oral surgery right at home." -Click-
"Tomorrow on Masterpiece Theater, a stunning one-man performance of West Side Story starring Christopher Walken as everybody." -Click-
"New Mexico votes to secede from the Union, details at eleven." -Power Off-
Well that's just the beauty of television in a nutshell. True I scaled it down a bit, and it's not the same without pictures, but you should get the point. Basically the beauty of having cable television and a clicker is that you don't have to watch just one thing, you can watch everything. And the more you watch, the more you learn, thus making you a better person. By making better people out of us, television is, in essence, making the world a better place to live in. So we all owe a lot to television; and it shouldn't b e called a boob tube or an idiot box, because it is nothing less than a savior machine. I think it's time to turn the power off on this Whack, so to conclude for this week, Wilford Brimley is somewhat sexy; Christopher Walken must be a very versatile actor; and I need my TV!!! And now for this week's special feature, Feff's top ten television shows of all time:
10. Play Ball with Reggie Jackson 9. What's Happening Now 8. Police Squad 7. Eerie Indiana 6. The Wonder Years 5. Parker Lewis Can't Lose 4. Beavis and Butthead 3. Sledge Hammer 2. Get a Life 1. The Simpsons