Weekly Whack: Are You Ready For Some Football?
Are You Ready For Some Football?
September 8, 1996

This past weekend was the kickoff of the professional football season, and the collegiate season is also just about in full swing. I always thought football was a strange sport. I can't get enough of it on the high school level, where football takes the form of a chess match on a grassy field, but college and professional football are just too far out there for me to relate to. So that's why I'm going to try and delve into the mystery of the pigskin, and take a closer look at college and professional football.

The main difference between professional and college football is that college football players don't have to pay taxes on their earnings. That's why I always wondered why so many college athletes turn professional early. You figure they get free housing, free food, some spending money, a car, and whatever else their hearts desire, plus they don't even have to pay taxes. You can't beat that. Why leave? If I was some big shot college football player, I would want to stay in college as long as possible. I would beg my coach to red-shirt me. No need to waste my years of eligibility, I'm in no rush. And when my years of eligibility eventually did run out, after about ten years or so, I would have so much education I would be able to teach at the damn college if I wanted to. And don't give me any crap that college football players aren't paid, and it's just some myth fabricated by the media. It's pretty obvious if you look at it. The number one college football team in the nation is Nebraska. That means many of the best high school football players around the country, who were all recruited heavily, decided to go to Nebraska. They got the best players, so they have the best team. But the only thing is, why would so many blue-chip high school football players, who could have went to any college in the country, go to Nebraska? What the hell is in Nebraska? If you won some contest, and could go on a vacation anywhere in the country, would you even consider Nebraska as an option? It's just that simple. There apparently is something that attracts them to Nebraska, and you don't have to be an idiot to figure out what that something is.

Anyhoo, the other thing about college football that gets to me, is that there is no competition. You figure that since you have a hundred or so division one college football teams, that maybe a little more than five of them would be good. But no, we're stuck watching these ridiculously lopsided games where the number three team in the nation beats the number ten team seventy-five to two. It's just sad. The only time you can see a competitive college football game is when two bad teams play each other, which means it probably won't be televised, or wait until New Years. That's why college basketball will always have it over college football in my book. In college basketball, on any given night an un-ranked team can come out of nowhere and beat the number one team in the nation. But you'll never see that in college football. College football is just way too top-heavy to be an enjoyable sport to follow.

Well enough with college football, lets turn to legitimate professional football. Professional football players are, plainly stated, freaks. They just are not like us. Normal people are not 6'5", three-hundred pounds, and capable of running the forty in four and a half seconds. These people are scary. Every night before I go to bed I thank god there is professional football, because I wouldn't want to think what defensive linemen would be doing otherwise. And then on the other side of the spectrum, are the place-kickers and punters. I feel sorry for place-kickers and punters. Basically, they are soccer rejects. They come from Latin American countries, they are bred to play soccer, but they are just not good enough. Sure they could kick the ball far, but for some reason they just can't dribble, slide tackle, or do one of those nifty nutmeg things. And thus, being a disgrace to their country, they are stuck playing American football, where they don't exactly get much respect either. It's amazing none of these kickers go crazy now and then. The hell with postal workers, I'm waiting for a punter to come to training camp strapped with a automatic rifle. "I'll give you hang time coach. BOOM!! BOOM!! BOOM!!"

My other problem with football, is that it is the single most analyzed sport. They have pre-game shows longer than the actual game. By the time they go over every possible scenario, you no longer have to watch the game because you know exactly what's going to happen. You don't have that in baseball. In baseball, the closest thing to a pre-game show is the listing of the starting line-ups. In football they not only list the starting line-ups, they go over the high school transcript and interview the prom date of every member of the starting line-up. And it supposedly gives great insight into the upcoming game. I know people who have bet on a team because their quarterback got a B in ninth grade Biology, and was called a good kisser by their prom date. The sad thing was that they won the bet. But football is a crazy sport, nothing would surprise me.

Well, it's time to take this Whack into the end-zone, so to conclude for this week, the top two exports of Nebraska are corn and sneaky college football recruiters; defensive linemen are scary people; and Al Del Greco is capable of snapping at any moment.

Now for this week's special feature, Feff's top ten favorite passing routes in football:

10. Screen
9. Flag
8. Curl
7. Drag
6. Hitch
5. Out and Up
4. Post
3. Seam
2. Flare
1. Streak