The Roots of Feff - Part Two
September 15, 1996

Due to the untimely death of Mr. Box (don't ask, it's a long story), I was very busy this weekend making the funeral arrangements, staging the wake, investigating the murder, etc.. Therefore I didn't have much time to prepare this week's Whack. But it was probably for the better because I probably would have ended up writing some crap about how I saw Colin Powell speak this past Thursday and throw in some immature comments about the name Colin. And as if that wasn't going to be enough, I probably would have also offended some people by making jokes about Tupac. But instead I'm going to once again share with you some select entries out of my ninth grade English class journal. As you may remember from last time, my ninth grade journal is the oldest known artifacts of Feff, and it even predates the development of the name Feff by two years. So this should definitely be a treat for all to enjoy.

2/11/93 - Free Topic

The saying goes that 'every dog has his day.' But what I want to know is when is this day and what happens on it. If a dog gets fed an extra kibble is that his day or does he have another one coming to him? I bet dogs lose dog shows on purpose because if they won, it would be considered their day, and they don't want to waste their day on a crappy dog show. I think President Clinton should set aside one day in the year for dogs so then every dog will certainly have his day. Some experts believe that dogs will have their day when they overthrow the government. But I don't agree with them because dogs aren't tyrants and they won't make good presidents because they aren't in touch with the blue-collar workers and would take away the first amendment for cats, and that would be wrong because our founding fathers worked hard to make that amendment and it should stay in the Constitution.

4/6/93 - Favorite Vacation Spot

My favorite vacation spot would have to be on the island of Timor in Indonesia. The island of Timor is a great hide-away and pretty soon the natives will be getting indoor plumbing. Also on Timor there is an actual leper colony, but it is not real, it is a make-believe leper colony like Williamsburg and Waterloo Village are make-believe American colonies. In colonial Lepersburg there are actors playing lepers and visitors can see how a actual leper colony worked. This place is so realistic that the actors were imported from Europe and are actual children of Thalidomide, so it really looks like they lost body parts. This place is loads of fun for the whole family.

4/22/93 - Free Topic

Tonight on Masterpiece Theater we will be showing a special presentation of 'The Pride of the Yankees, Part 2' starring Gary Cooper as Reggie Jackson, and a brief cameo by Thurman Munson as himself. Here is a preview from the show: "Little Billy, if Uncle Reggie hits a home-run for you in tonight's World Series game then will you get better and be able to leave the hospital?" (Wavering voice) "Four." "What? You want me to hit four home-runs for you!?! Well, alright I'll hit four home-runs for you tonight, because as you know I am the greatest baseball player of all time. Do you know I have a candy bar named after me?" (That night on the 11 o'clock news) "In a smashing performance Yankee superstar Reggie Jackson blasted out three home-runs as the Yankees won the championship. And in other news, Little Billy died of a broken heart, and of prostate cancer."

4/27/93 - A Time I Cheated and was Caught

One time I cheated and was caught was during the 1968 Summer Olympics in Mexico City, you know, where Bob Beamon broke the long jump record. Well they were running the marathon and since the star runner for the U.S. was injured, they chose me to run. After the race started I ran half a mile and got really tired so I went off course to pick up lunch at the local Denny's. After lunch I went down to the subways to see all the Aztec ruins. Then I thought to myself, while everybody was staring at me because I still had my running suit on and my running tag, 'Hey, won't it be funny if I took the subway to the finish line and win the marathon?' Well I got to 200 yards before the finish line and I saw the Kenyan staggering by; so I sprinted by him with my hands raised in glory and won the marathon. After I accepted the gold medal I stood with my clenched right fist raised in the air, with a black glove on it symbolizing black power; while I kept my head down during the National Anthem. The next day they found out and the bastards took my medal away!

5/4/93 - Hospital Experience

An experience I had in a hospital was when I was 5 years-old and I thought I was a grizzly bear. After I mauled and killed six campers, my parents put me in a mental hospital and I haven't seen them since. I made some very interesting friends during my stay in the mental hospital. My best friend would have to be this guy Manny who they had to tie down to his bed because he liked to snack on human flesh. Everybody was scared of him except me, because hey, I'm a bear.

Well I believe that is all for this Whack, so to conclude for this week, I don't think I knew what grammar was in ninth grade; Mr. Box is dead, long live Mr. Box; and Tupac is dead... enough said. Now for this week's special feature, Feff's top ten funniest people of all time:

10. Johnny Lampert

9. Chris Eliot

8. Weird Al Yankovic

7. Dennis Miller

6. Lenny Bruce

5. Stephen Wright

4. Adam Sandler

3. Jack Handey

2. George Carlin

1. Colin Powell ( I'm serious, he's a funny guy)