Weekly Whack: Feff: The College Years
Feff: The College Years
September 22, 1996

A few weeks ago I promised that as soon as I settled down and grew accustom to my new life here at college, I would write a Whack about my early impressions and interpretations of college life. Well it seems that time has come this week. College life is a trip. I didn't know what to expect when I moved into my dorm at Drew University in Madison, New Jersey, and there still are times now I'm not too sure what to expect. Every time I stand in line to get my lunch I definitely have no clue what to expect, and that's just one facet of life here. For the purpose of this Whack, I'll divide college life into three main components, daily living, classes, and social life, and try to examine each, since all three are important parts of the college experience.

Daily Living

Probably the most difficult thing I had to get adjusted to when I first moved into college was my daily living routine. I just will never get used to public bathrooms. I like taking long showers in the privacy of my home. The showers here are small cubicles separated by flimsy shower curtains. That means there is a steady flow of water between the showers. I once dropped a bar of soap and it floated three showers stalls away from me. And if anybody can come up with an appropriate way to ask a guy three showers away from you to please return your soap, let me know. It also sucks if you get stuck with the shower in the middle; that's where the drain is. Just imagine all the water and soap scum from about five showers all flowing into one drain, and your standing on that drain trying to clean yourself. It doesn't take much than that to make you home sick.

Besides the whole bathroom thing, eating was another essential of life that was drastically changed when I went to college. When I was home I had spurious eating habits. I ate whenever I felt like it, and my meals mostly consisted of either Fruity Pebbles or microwavable mini-egg rolls. Now I eat lunch when lunch is served in the cafeteria, eat dinner when dinner is served in the cafeteria, etc. And I'm actually eating a wide variety of foods that contain stuff like protein and vitamins. Basically the cafeteria food is all right, it's edible. And if you get tired of cafeteria food, you can always order out. I've had my fair share of pizza and Chinese food since I have been here. I always liked Chinese food, but I was never a big fan of fortune cookies. I mean the whole concept of having a fortune inside a cookie is fine, but to put it frankly, fortune cookies taste like crap. I think the only accurate fortune cookie would be one that when you cracked it open, the fortune read: `You're about to eat a bad tasting cookie.' I don't know, maybe it would taste better with a little duck sauce.


The standard course load here at Drew consists of four four-credit classes. The four classes I am currently taking include my first -year seminar entitled: `The Internet and the World Wide Web', Literary Analysis, Introduction to Philosophy, and Spanish. The seminar is pretty basic, we're learning basic HTML and some other Internet-related topics. However the first week was pretty boring when the professor had to explain how to click on blue words when using Netscape. In Literary Analysis, we're just analyzing a bunch of poetry right now. I never was a big poetry man, but I'm getting the hang of it. The professor is a bit strange though. He's some old guy who has a knack of finding sexual connotation in just about every poem written in the English language. It's like before I took this class I never knew Robert Frost was such a pervert. Philosophy is..... well it's philosophy. I'm sure it'll will come in handy in the real world if I ever encounter some Greek deep thinker on some street corner who decides to challenge my belief in free will. As for Spanish, I always believed that an American student going to an American university should not be forced to take foreign language classes. If I wanted to learn a foreign language I would, but if I don't, that's my prerogative. But I'm making the most of it, even though I had three years of Spanish in high school, I took the most basic Spanish course they offered. Last week we learned the numbers.

Social Life

The social life at Drew leaves something to be desired. It's not by any accident that I'm writing this Whack from my computer at home this weekend. Sure there are parties and stuff, but they're not exactly my cup of tea. The basic party there consists of a bunch of people piled into a small room, loud music, and a lot of drinking. I don't like crowds, loud music is only good if the music itself is good, and I simply do not drink. I always believed that if something is going good, you don't mess with it. Personally I'm high on life, and I like the way my life is going so far, so I choose not to do anything that would alter my perception of it. I don't need a six pack to make my world look better, it's already fine as is. But that doesn't stop me from going to parties and making fun of drunks. I love playing mind games with people who are drunk, it's so easy. For example here's a conversation with a drunk guy I had not too long ago:

Me: Did you know Charles DeGaulle's blood type was AB?
Drunk: What does it matter? HE WAS FRENCH!!!
Me: He's also dead.
Drunk: That's ok, EVERYBODY DIES!!!
Me: Really?
Drunk: Yeah, like Fred. Fred is dead.
Me: Fred who?
Drunk: You know Fred, HE'S DEAD!!!!

At that point I can't contain myself, and I break out laughing. Also, instead of playing mind games with drunk people, it is also quite fun to pretend to be drunk. You can get away with a lot when people think you're drunk. For example, if you're ever bored at a party, yell `Spiro Agnew is dead!', burst out crying, and then hug the first person you see. Now that's entertainment! You'd never be able to do that in any other circumstances.

Well I think school's out for this week, so to conclude for this week, I miss my Fruity Pebbles; I'm not exactly sure what Charles DeGaulle's real blood type was; and I still haven't figured out who this Fred guy was.

Now for this week's special feature, Feff's top ten favorite quotes of first year Drew student, and resident fire marshall, Russell Sprague:

10. `Mike Meng is a Russian spy.'
9. `This coat is worth more than your life.'
8. `Don't make fun of Iron Maiden, Iron Maiden kicks ass.'
7. `I don't think you want to know where that whip has been.'
6. `I said the capital of Minnesota was NFC!!!!! Not Tennessee!'
5. `I want to be a cult leader when I grow up.'
4. `Do you want to know what the most disgusting sound in the world is?'
3. `So what if my girlfriend is 15, she turns 16 in ten days.'
2. `I'm Russ.... and Vlad.'
1. `I drink blood.'