|On the Road Again|
|September 29, 1996|
As sad as it seems, a great portion of life is dealing with how to get from point A to point B. You can't stay in one place forever. No matter how good your point A is, you will eventually be forced to leave it in pursuit of point B. And there are many methods to complete this task. You could walk, ride a bike, take the train, or even use a pogo stick if you're some sort of pogo-using freak. However the most overwhelming favorite method of getting from point A to point B is the automobile. Cars are everywhere. Just take a trip to your local state highway and you'll see more cars than Hootie and the Blowfish fans at a Docker's sale. You cannot survive in this world without owning a car and knowing how to drive. And from the looks of things, everybody owns a car, but very few people know how to drive. So lets take a look at cars and driving in this Whack, and see if we can figure it all out without having to stop for directions. In theory, the sole purpose of a car is for transportation. In actuality, however, cars are much more than just that. Cars are status symbols, cars are phallic symbols, cars are communication centers, and cars are multimedia entertainment centers. You can really tell a lot about a person from the type of car he drives. Someone who drives a Rolls Royce is some old English guy who comes from a rich family that has money that can be traced back to the Magna Charta. He most likely collects art, watches Masterpiece Theater, and has a public building or two named after him. And for a good time he takes a trip on his yacht to one of his many private islands, bringing along his Jamaican butler to play the steel drums for him. Someone who drives a Mercedes or a BMW is some wall street whiz or big time businessman who has a Ivy league diploma on his wall next to his autographed picture of Ivan Bosky. He probably drinks spring water, votes Republican, and thinks that Andre Agassi's flamboyant attitude is hurting the game of tennis. Someone who drives a Porsche, Corvette, or any other sports car is some hotshot young lawyer or doctor who thinks a fast car and some money can make up for his sexual inadequacies. Chances are he plays golf, and has a second wife who is half the age of his first wife. Someone who drives a Oldsmobile is retired, and is probably on his way to the senior center to play bocce ball and complain about the government. He most likely collects social security, eats prunes, and watches Matlock. And someone who drives a 87 Plymouth Reliant is most definitely an intelligent, good looking American male who has a keen sense of humor, and a liking for REO Speedwagon music. I could go forever about what type of person drives each type of car, but that is not all I wish to cover in this Whack. Besides the driver, there are other things in the car that are definitely worth looking at. I'm referring to these little accessories that make a car a little more than a machine for driving. The obvious one, is of course the car phone. I'm sorry, but nobody is that important that they need a phone in their car. I could see if it was for emergency reasons, but otherwise it's crazy. What's next, an answering machine for the car? The message would be something like this: "Sorry, I'm home right now, call back later and I might have left." And all the car phone is, is a status symbol. They even make fake car phones for people to put in their cars. They don't work, but at least other people will think you own a car phone. People think they look cool on the freeway talking into a car phone. You know what I like to do? I like to have a empty tin can with a string attached to it in my car, and whenever I see someone talking into a car phone I start talking into the tin can like it was a phone. I even put the can up to my ear and wait for a response. I get a lot of strange looks, but hey, it kills time in a traffic jam. Talking about things that kill time in traffic jams, no car is complete without a booming stereo system. What's the use of playing music in your car if people outside a one mile radius can't hear it? You got to have it all, cd player, cd changer, 200-watt speakers, woofers, sub-woofers, tweeters, bass tubes, amplifiers, the works. I know people who have so much audio equipment in their car that all they have to do is turn on the radio and their car would vibrate to wherever they wanted to go. It's all about bass. You want a car that pumps out so much bass that people who have pacemakers wouldn't be able to go near it. Two things that any American loves is music and cars, so putting the two together is a natural fit. When you combine people with car phones, and people with stereo systems, you get a lot of drivers who are not exactly paying attention to the road. And that's probably the reason why there are so many bad drivers out there. People now stop at yield signs and yield at stop signs. Red lights are only mere suggestions. And forget about merging, there are probably some timid drivers who have been on the shoulder of the interstate since Labor Day, still waiting for the right opportunity to try and merge in. It is all these bad drivers collectively that cause traffic jams. And I definitely know what I'm talking about, I live in New Jersey. In no other state is there more cars per square mile than New Jersey. And traffic is just not an annoyance in New Jersey, it's a way of life. Everyone over the age of seventeen in New Jersey owns a car, and they drive it constantly. And one of the main reason they drive it, is to try and get out of New Jersey. There are five mile backups at the exits leaving New Jersey, but there's nothing but tumbleweed blowing across the exits entering New Jersey. Why do you think you have to pay a toll to cross the George Washington Bridge into New York, but it is free to come back to New Jersey? That's something to leave you thinking. Well I think it's time this Whack found it's exit, so to conclude for this week, tin cans are probably clearer than real car phones; New Jersey and traffic jams: perfect together; and I drive an 87 Plymouth Reliant!!
Now for this week's special feature, Feff's top ten favorite names of roads that lead into Feff World:
10. Frogtown Road 9. Barry Goldwater Boulevard 8. Mudpuppy Street 7. Reggie Jackson Highway 6. Route 9 5. Chester A. Arthur Memorial Turnpike 4. The Trial of Tears 3. Chris Elliot Parkway 2. The Vergano Skyway 1. Barry White's Avenue of Love