Weekly Whack: The Ancient Eight
The Ancient Eight
October 20,1996

Since I had off from school this past Thursday and Friday to provide time to prepare for midterms, I decided to use my extended weekend to travel to scenic Ithaca, New York to visit my brother Chris, who is a junior at Cornell University. Cornell, as you may know, is a member of the elite Ivy League, and is considered one of the best colleges in the country. However, I think the eight prestigious universities that make up the Ivy League aren't really all they are hyped up to be. The world is looking to the future, and the Ivy League is stuck in the past. It seems the only people who are impressed with Ivy League schools anymore are only the students and alumni of Ivy League schools. So let's take a look at this, along with other aspects of my trip, in this week's Whack.

Due to the fact that I don't have the most reliable car (let's just say my car won't run if the air conditioner and the radio are both on at the same time) I decided to take the bus up. On the advice of my brother, I went through some small bus company called College Express that seemed the most convenient. The bus ride there was definitely interesting. Due to some cancellations and no-shows, I ended up being the only person on the bus. For a three and a half hour trip I was the only passenger on a full-size charter bus. It was great, I got to push my seat back as far back as I wanted. To spice things up I would get up and change my seat every ten minutes. And I really bonded with my bus-driver. His name was Barry. He's single, he has trouble committing, and his favorite episode of The Simpsons is the one where Bart goes to France. Next weekend I going to help him move into his new apartment and then watch some football with him. Unfortunately I can't say that the bus ride back was as good as the bus ride there. That's mainly because there was no bus ride back. The bus was supposed to pick me up at 9:10, and I was stuck waiting for it in the pouring rain until I finally gave up at around 10:45. It had to be a different driver, because Barry would never do that. Anyhow, my brother ending up having to meet my parents half way, and neither parties were quite happy.

Up until the problem with my bus ride home, I would have to say that my stay at Cornell was very pleasant. Being used to a relatively small campus, I quickly noticed the immense size of the Cornell campus. The place is so spread out that to get from one corner of the school to the other will cost you about three bucks in tolls. I mean the university is so big, they have their own congressman. I also noticed that there are a large amount of Asians going to Cornell. I saw more Asians in one weekend at Cornell than I have in my entire life. It's crazy, at the dining halls they hand out chop-sticks and make you take off your shoes and eat on your knees. And I used to wonder why my brother started wearing a Nehru jacket. Anyway I spent most of the weekend hanging around my brother and his two friends from back home who also attend Cornell. They're all great guys, but they need to get out more. Judging by them, the typical Cornell night life is searching the Internet for pornographic pictures involving bodily excrement. The worst of the three would have to be a chap by the name of Alex Ferguson-Lewinsky (affectionately known as Derber). Now I believe everybody is blessed with some sort of special talent. Some people can paint really well, or solve complex mathematical equations, or, in my case, hit a wiffle ball really far. Now I've concluded that Derber's one special talent is creating fake nudes. The kid is a natural. He's a maestro with the mouse. If you ever come across a nude picture of Mother Theresa on the Internet, chances are it was the work of Derber.

Anyway, the main reason I went to Cornell this weekend was to catch the Colgate-Cornell football game. One of the offensive linemen for Colgate, Matt Polizzotto, went to the same high school as I did, and graduated with my brother and his friends, so we wanted to see him play. It was definitely interesting watching a college football game concentrating on an offensive lineman. It's a whole different perspective. But Colgate ended up winning the game, and towards the final minutes the Cornell marching band voiced their disapproval through a series of chants. The chants included: "That's alright, that's OK, you'll be working for us someday." "It just doesn't matter." "Ivy League - Patriot League." And "Smart - Dumb." Personally I think they are all loads of crap. It may not be in the Ivy League, but Colgate is still a very good school. And if it really didn't matter, why the hell would you join the marching band in the first place? It would be a complete waste of time. It just shows that for some reason, Ivy Leaguers have a superiority complex. Just because you go to a certain school, doesn't mean you are any better than someone who goes to another school. Here at Drew, most of the students are Ivy League material, but they resent the attitudes and traditions of the Ivy League. Also, it won't be long until most of the people in power are going to be coming from small schools like Drew, and they are not going to be too eager to hire Ivy League graduates. I guess my point is that soon Ivy Leaguers will no longer be able to rest on the reputation of their school, but on the reputation of themselves as individuals. And if you ask me, I would say that's not too bad of a thing.

Well I think this Whack is getting a bit ancient, so to conclude for this week, the College Express bus company isn't really that express; Alex Ferguson is a virtual Picasso of on-line porn; and you ever eat at Cornell- don't forget the knee pads.

Now for this week's special feature, Feff's top ten favorite nicknames of Alex Ferguson-Lewinsky:

10. Ferguson
9. Derber
8. Berber
7. Derby
6. Fuzzy Berber
5. Fur-Burger
4. Uncle Alex
3. Sir Alex
2. Big Al
1. Clyde