Weekly Whack: The Breakfast Club
The Breakfast Club
October 27, 1996

There was a recent study conducted by some scientists, who had way too much time on their hands, concerning the effects of eating cereals high in sugar for breakfast. Apparently what the study showed was that eating sugary cereals for breakfast has many positive effects. Children who eat cereals high in sugar tend to be smarter, more creative, better looking, more virile, and other crap like that. Although I eat sugary cereal, and I am living evidence that supports the conclusions of the study, I find the whole study to be a bit questionable. I really doubt that what you eat for breakfast has any bearing over what kind of person you turn out to be. The experimenters most likely had a faulty population sample. However, the experiment did succeed in inspiring this Whack. I figured what would be better than a Whack about America's favorite breakfast food. And when I discovered that a Whack about Pop Tarts would not be the greatest, I decided to write a Whack about cereal.

If I was some corporate cereal executive, I would sell advertising space on cereal boxes. Everybody reads cereal boxes. Whether it is the ingredients or the rules to some juvenile contest, if it is on a cereal box, we read it. So where's a better place to advertise than on a cereal box? I'm serious, I think this is a workable idea that Madison Avenue ought to consider. In fact, I think Bob Dole would greatly improve his chances of being elected president if he started putting campaign ads on Honey Nut Cheerios. It sounds nutty, but I think it just may work.

Anyway, if you ever noticed, on the side of cereal boxes they have the 1-800 numbers of the cereal company so you can call if you have any questions or comments. Sometimes when I'm bored I like to call these cereal hotlines. Most the time I call when I have questions about specific cereals. For example:

Alpha-Bits: How come there aren't any punctuation marks? This doesn't exactly promote proper grammar. How am I supposed to separate two independent clauses within a sentence unless I have a semi-colon? And do they have Alpha-Bits for foreign alphabets? I think just including the English alphabet is a bit culturally biased.

Trix: When is that rabbit just going to beat the crap out of those kids? Hey, I have mafia connections, just tell the rabbit to let me know. I can call my Uncle Vito and we'll see how much those kids like their Trix when they're at the bottom of the East River.

Cap'n Crunch: What's the deal with this Captain guy? What exactly is he captain of? Does he have his own navy or something? Does he ever declare war on other cereals? Who are his allies? Is he single? Will he ever be promoted to admiral? When are the crunch berries going to mutiny and form their own cereal?

Grape Nuts: Is there any difference between Grape Nuts and gravel? Is it ok to use Grape Nuts on an icy driveway instead of salt? What about as an alternative for kitty litter?

Frosted Mini-Wheats: If everyone likes the sugar frosting, and no one really likes the wheat, why not just get rid of the wheat and make it all sugar frosting?

Cookie Crisp: Please explain to me the difference between Cookie Crisp and just a bunch of small cookies? What special features do these small cookies have that make them a cereal? Is it all packaging?

Cheerios: Why don't you ever put any toys in your cereal? Do you think your cereal is that good that it can be sold simply on its own merit? It's bad enough there's no sugar in it, the least you can do is throw in some toy in the box. Like how bout a plastic replica of Henry Kissinger that changes colors in hot water? That would certainly boost sales.

Anyway, there are those times that I call these 1-800 numbers when I just have some general cereal-related questions:

What kind of milk goes best with your cereal? 2%? Whole? Skim?
What's the best substitute if you don't have milk? Orange Juice? Water? Jolt Cola?
What's was President Coolidge's favorite cereal?
Do you believe in extraterrestrial life? If so, do you think they eat cereal?

And of course there are those times I call for questions that have nothing to do with cereal whatsoever:

Why do kamikaze pilots where helmets?
Can God create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it?
If a tree falls in a woods..... ?
What are you wearing?

I like calling these cereal numbers so much that I'm thinking of getting one of those Medi-Alert things to put around my neck that would be directly connected to these cereal hotlines. I think it would be great in case of those unexpected emergencies:

"I've fallen, and I can't reach the toy in the middle of the box!!"
"My Rice Crispies have stopped crackling!! What do I do?!?"
"The Soggies have come down and abducted my cat!!!"

Well I think breakfast is done for this week. So to conclude for this Whack, Froot Loops make you virile; most kids would be freaked out to find Henry Kissinger in their cereal box; and there is government-wide conspiracy suppressing evidence of the existence of Soggies.

Now for this week's special feature, Feff's top ten favorite cereals found in the cupboard of presidential candidate Bob Dole:

10. Total
9. Puffed Rice
8. Cream of Wheat
7. Shredded Wheat
6. Multi-Grain Cheerios
5. Kix
4. Life
3. Wheaties
2. Lucky Charms (but without the marshmallows)
1. Common Sense Oat Bran