Weekly Whack: Damn Yankees
Damn Yankees
November 4, 1996

I wouldn't be able to call myself a Yankee fan if I missed my opportunity to write a Whack about the Yanks winning the Series. So I figured better get it over with this week before the subject grows anymore tiresome. Yep, the New York Yankees won the World Series... or did they? It just seemed more like it was a bunch of baseball players who just happened to be wearing Yankee uniforms. Wade Boggs will never be a Yankee, Cecil Fielder will never be a Yankee, Daryl Strawberry will never be a Yankee, etc... etc. These were free agents, not Yankees. Tradition is gone in the Bronx, in baseball, and in America. Whoa.. that was deep. Anyhoo, what I have for you this week is some more Yankee-related human interests stories that you probably didn't hear about in the news because 1) everybody was too busy talking about Frank Torre, and 2) I made them all up. Everybody likes a good human interest story, so enjoy.

Harry the Hot Dog Maker- Very few people know who the hell Harry Zuck is, but he has had a profound impact over the lives of a countless number of people. Everybody knows that the best hot dogs in the world are made in Yankee Stadium, well Harry is the guy who makes them. Every hot dog sold in Yankee Stadium is hand cooked by Harry Zuck himself, using his secret recipe. He's been there since day one. Babe Ruth was even quoted to say that Harry was the cause of his immense obesity. Anyway, although Harry has been to every Yankee game since 1920, he never actually saw them play because he is kept locked away in a back room making hot dogs. When Ruth hit 60 home runs, Harry was making hot dogs. When Maris hit 61, Harry was making hot dogs. When Reggie hit three home runs in one World Series game, Harry was making hot dogs. I think you get my point by now. It has always been Harry's wish to see the Yankees play just one game before he died. When George Steinbrenner heard about Harry, he decided that he would personally invite him to watch game seven of this year's World Series in Steinbrenner's private executive box. Harry was so excited when he heard this, that he could hardly contain himself. He would finally be able to see the Yankees play a game. But then the Yanks won game six, clinching the Series, and Steinbrenner called Harry and said, "Oh well, I guess you'll just to wait until next year." Two days later Harry died after choking on a hamburger.

Pedro the Peanut Vendor- They say that there is no such thing as love at first sight, but don't tell that to Pedro Miranda. Ever since Pedro came to America he has lived a lonely life. He was never what you would call lucky with the ladies. No woman wouldn't even give Pedro the time of day (except for some eighty-six year old widow, and her watch was seventeen minutes slow). For the past seven years, Pedro has been living in an apartment in the Bronx with his twelve brothers, and he got a job selling peanuts at Yankee stadium to support his meager existence. During game six of this year's World Series, Pedro was stationed in the upper deck above third base, selling his delicious fresh roasted peanuts. Pedro could not exactly feel the World Series excitement that was flowing through the rest of the people at the Stadium that night because he was too busy thinking about how lonely he was, and how pathetic his life was. When Charlie Hayes made the final out that clinched the Series for the Yanks, the whole place went wild, and Pedro was caught in the middle of the mayhem. The next thing he knew, he was hugging the twelve year old daughter of some accountant from Hoboken. He took one look in her eyes and knew that he was in love for the first time in his life. The couple ran away together to Mexico to get married and start a new life together. Two days later the Feds caught up with Pedro. The girl was returned to her father, and Pedro was sent to Rikers Island Prison where he fell in love for the second time in his life, this time to some huge black guy named Brutus.

Tony the Ticket Scalper- Tony Sciliano was never one to underestimate the value of an education. In fact his dream in life was to see his only son Vinny graduate from college and go on to a successful career in politics. Unfortunately Tony was fired from his job at the docks when Vinny was finishing up his first semester of his senior year at Columbia. He just would not be able to afford to send Vinny there another semester to earn his bachelors degree in political science. Discouraged, but still determined, Tony went to work scalping Yankee tickets to earn some extra money. However he did some calculations, and determined that this still would not be enough money to send his son to Columbia for another semester. Then something miraculous happened, the Yankees won the pennant. The extra revenue he got from World Series tickets would be just enough to pay for his son's education. His son would not only be a college graduate, but an Ivy League graduate. Tony couldn't have been more proud than he was at that time. During the day of game six of this year's World Series, when the Yankees clinched the title, Vinny was registering for his final semester at Columbia. Everything seemed to be going perfect for the Sciliano family. Two days later Vinny was driving home on the George Washington Bridge with his girlfriend when they were cut off by a van full of drunk Yankee fans, still celebrating the big win. Vinny's car veered off the road and crashed into the river. Vinny swam to safety, but his girlfriend drowned. His political career was over before it even started.

Well I think it is time for this Whack to be over, so to conclude for this week, Yankee Franks will always the best in the world; love has no age limits; and what the hell was up with the whole deal with Wade Boggs riding the horse!?

Now for this week's special feature we have Feff's top ten favorite REAL Yankees of all time:

10. Mel Hall
9. Jesse Barfield
8. Claudell Washington
7. Tommy John
6. Mike Easler
5. Steve Balboni
4. Willie Randolph
3. Don Mattingly
2. Roy Smalley
1. Reggie Jackson