Election 96
November 10, 1996

This past Tuesday was Election Day throughout America. This year Election Day was especially important because, since this year was a leap year, there was a presidential election. Also this was the first general election that I was actually eligible to vote in, and unlike the majority of eligible voters, I actually did go out and vote. Thanks to those zany Australians and their secret ballot, I won't tell you who or what I voted for, but I will say that I wasn't overly displeased at the outcome. It's just that we have the same president, and relatively the same congress, so we're stuck with the same old shit for another few years. If it wasn't for Feff World, life in America would be a dull wasteland for everybody. Hopefully there will be some scandal or war to spice things up in the next couple years. Anyhoo, to spice things up right now, I have the results of some exit polls given on Election Day by some people I hired who had nothing better to do. If some of my statistics seem a little faulty, fear not, because I made them all up.

Who did you vote for president?

General Population:

49% - Bill Clinton

35%- Bob Dole

6% - Ross Perot

4% - Ralph Nader

3% - Harry Browne

2% - Indiana Pacers Coach Larry Brown

1% - The guy from the Dunkin Donuts commercials

People over 65:

42% - Bill Clinton

38% - Bob Dole

13% - Ross Perot

7% - I don't remember

People under 30:

65% - Bill Clinton

25% - Chandler from Friends

6% - Bob Dole

4% - Ross Perot

People 30-65:

51% - Bill Clinton

39% - Bob Dole

7% - Ross Perot

3% - Hootie!!!!!!

People living in Chicago:

68% - Bill Clinton

22% - Bob Dole

6% - Ross Perot

4% - Mike Ditka

People dead in Chicago:

100% - John F. Kennedy

People living in Hawaii:

90% - Bill Clinton

7% - Pele the Volcano God

3% - Scott Ikeda

What issues are most important to you?

General population:

29% - Economy

21% - Health Care

20% - Education

15% - Crime

10% - Foreign Affairs

5% - Iodide Deficiency Disorder

People over 65:

17% - The effects of acid rain on the prune harvest

People under 30:

13% - Male pattern baldness

People 30-65

16% - The rising price of loose fitting Dockers

People living in Chicago:

9% - Deforestation

People dead in Chicago:

35% - Cryogenics

People living in Hawaii:

67% - The advent of indoor plumbing

Who would like to see run for president in the year 2000?

General population:

79% - Colin Powell

People over 65:

53% - I just want to be alive in the year 2000


People under 30:

34% - Kurt Loder

People 30-65:

19% - Hootie!!!!

People living in Chicago:

23% - Walter Payton

People dead in Chicago:

100% - Whoever Mayor Daly tells us to vote for

People living in Hawaii:

44% - Who cares? We just want indoor plumbing.

Well that's all my crack pollsters came up with. Hopefully it provided some insight into the general mood of the American voter in this year's election. Anyhow, it's time to close the polls on this Whack, so to conclude for this week, middle-age people love Hootie; dead people in Chicago love Kennedy; and people in Hawaii love Scott Ikeda.

Now for this week's special feature, Feff's top ten people that he would like to see run for president in the year 2000:

10. Colin Powell

9. Tom Kean

8. Steve Adubado

7. Don Imus

6. Dee Snider

5. Sonny Bono

4. George Carlin

3. The guy from the Dunkin Donuts commercials

2. Reggie Jackson

1. Charles Grodin