Weekly Whack: A Conversation With Marx, Shakespeare, Goldwater, and Hendrix
A Conversation With Marx, Shakespeare, Goldwater, and Hendrix
November 24, 1996

Recently I received a rather unconventional assignment from one of my professors. It was simply to write something. It could be any style, on any topic, and any length. The professors just wanted to see a sample of our writing at its most natural form. With this freedom of what we could write about, my head was definitely filled with ideas. The night before the assignment was due I finally was forced to pick a topic, so I just used the first thing that came to my head. So without further adieu, I give you: A fictional conversation between Karl Marx, Barry Goldwater, Jimi Hendrix, and William Shakespeare on the Charles Grodin show.

Grodin: Good evening, I'm Charles Grodin. Tonight we have four very special guests that I will be talking to on the show. First we have a renowned economist and philosopher who authored numerous book, Karl Marx. Good evening, Karl.

Marx: Thank you, it's a pleasure to be here tonight.

Grodin: Next to him, we have a former presidential candidate, and leader of the Republican party, Barry Goldwater. Welcome Barry.

Goldwater: Yeah, it's nice meeting you Chuck.

Grodin: Also tonight we have perhaps one of the greatest rock guitarists of all time, Jimi Hendrix. How are you doing Jimi?

Hendrix: I'm doing great, haven't been better.

Grodin: And finally we have a man who is considered by many to be the greatest writer in the history of the English language, William Shakespeare. Pleasure to meet you William.

Shakespeare: Thank you, I told my agent that I couldn't miss your show when I was in town.

Grodin: Well first up, what's going on with O.J.? There was blood at the scene, there was blood in the Bronco, what more evidence does there need to be?

Goldwater: This whole thing is sad Chuck. In my day O.J. Simpson wouldn't have gotten away with anything. We don't need no DNA. We'd string him up faster than the offensive line of the Chicago Bears eating a hog.

Hendrix: Personally Charles, I view O.J. Simpson as a tragic figure. He can almost be compared to Shakespeare's character of Hamlet.

Grodin: What do you think William, is Jimi correct in comparing O.J. to your Hamlet.

Shakespeare: I have no clue, I never wrote any of my plays. Personally I think they all were pretty bad, but they did put food on the table, so I can't complain.

Grodin: That's a shocking revelation William.

Goldwater: I don't find it shocking Chuck, these homosexuals can be slippery fellas.

Grodin: Are you calling the Bard gay?

Goldwater: Sure, everybody knows the guy was a little fruity.

Grodin: What do you have to say to this William?

Shakespeare: He's right, I am gay. In fact I have a little confession to make, I always had a little crush on you Charley.

Grodin: Oh dear Lord!!

Shakespeare: Well you brought such masculinity to your role in Beethoven. I couldn't help but be a little smitten.

Grodin: I can't believe this, can you Jimi?

Hendrix: Well actually, homosexuality is quite common in today's society. However the main question would be whether Shakespeare was biologically predisposed to be homosexual, or whether it developed as a result of his upbringing.

Goldwater: I don't you know what you're talking about hippie. Why don't you just pipe down and go play your little banjo toy to entertain all of us.

Hendrix: Excuse me, old man?

Goldwater: You heard me boy, get up and entertain us. If you're good I might even toss a quarter in your tin cup.

Hendrix: Hey man, I was the best guitarist to ever live. Give me some respect.

Goldwater: No way, your whole circus act was just a rip-off of that limey chap Pete Townshend.

Hendrix: Well at least I never lost to Lyndon Johnson.

Goldwater: Don't go there, that's just low.

Grodin: Ok, settle down you two. The last thing we need is a fight to break out. Well what about you Karl, you have been awfully quiet tonight. What do you think?

Marx: Well first of all I think capitalism is the tool of the devil, and second of all, I always thought Jeff Beck was the best guitarist of all time.

Goldwater: What do you know!?! You're nothing but a dirty Red. We kicked your ass in the race to the moon, we kicked your ass in the Cold War, and we kicked your ass in Rocky IV.

Marx: I still believe, in theory, Communism is the best system.

Goldwater: Well I believe in theory that you can blow....

Grodin: Ok, Ok, lets keep in mind that this is a family show.

Karl: Oh shut up. What gives you the right to moderate a talk show? You're nothing but a second-rate actor.

Shakespeare: That was uncalled for, Charles Grodin is an intelligent, respectful man.

Goldwater: Ah, you're just saying that to try and get him in the sack.

Hendrix: Well I think Shakespeare may be right. Grodin is definitely better than Dick Cavett.

Goldwater: Yeah, I guess I would have to agree with that.

Grodin: Thanks for defending me Jimi.

Hendrix: No problem. By the way, you were the greatest in the movie Dave.

Goldwater: Dave was horrible. The whole movie was just anti-conservative, liberal propaganda. I wouldn't be surprised if old Karl over here didn't produce the thing.

Marx: Actually no, I didn't. But I did donate some money to help develop the Drew Carey Show. That guy always cracked me up.

Shakespeare: Drew Carey? That blue-collar slob? He's about as unfunny as David Brinkley reciting passages from the Talmud.

Marx: Well he has a quaint charm to him. He kind of reminds me of Jonathan Winters.

Hendrix: What are you smoking grand-pa? Drew Carey ain't got nothing on Jonathan Winters.

Marx: What am I smoking!?! You're the one that's high.

Goldwater: Yeah, all you hippies are alike.

Shakespeare: Come on, that's not fair. You don't know if he's high right now.

Goldwater: Shut-up fruitcake. Your opinion is worth about as much as an autographed photo of Bob Saget.

Grodin: Come on guys, lets calm down.

Goldwater: I thought we told you to stay out of this.

Hendrix: Come on Barry, this is his show.

Goldwater: Who asked you?

Hendrix: I'm entitled to speak my mind.

Goldwater: Whatever. Ok, let's take a quiz. Raise your hand if you never choked on your own vomit.

[Everybody raises their hands except for Jimi Hendrix]

Hendrix: I don't have to take this crap.

Goldwater: What are you gonna do about it boy?

Hendrix: This.

[Hendrix gets out of his chair, grabs a guitar, and then beats Barry Goldwater over the head with it. He concludes by lighting both the guitar and Goldwater on fire.]

Grodin: Oh my God!! You just killed Barry Goldwater!!!

Hendrix: Thank you Captain Obvious.

Marx: There must be revenge!!!!

[Karl Marx jumps out of his chair and tackles Jimi Hendrix. The both of them roll on the ground exchanging punches. Eventually two security guards come and handcuff both Marx and Hendrix and take them away screaming and kicking.]

Grodin: Well that was interesting.

Shakespeare: Yeah, and I was about to tell that Hendrix kid that I thought he had a cute butt.

Grodin: You're incorrigible.

Shakespeare: Oh you bet big boy.

Grodin: Well I think now is a good time to end tonight's show. Special thanks to all our guests, and make sure to tune in tomorrow night when I chat with special guest Carnie Wilson, the fat chick from the band Wilson Phillips.

Well that's where the conversation ends for this week. So to conclude for this Whack, Shakespeare was in fact alleged to be gay, if not bisexual; Jimi Hendrix was the best rock guitarist of all time; and Carnie Wilson weighs more than the other two members of Wilson Phillips, and the band Nelson, combined.

Now for this week's special feature, Feff top ten people who were also considered as guests on the Charles Grodin Show:

10. Malcolm X
9. Pete Magyar's little brother
8. Ben Franklin
7. Albert Einstein
6. Jim Morrison
5. George Washington
4. Charles Dickens
3. Archduke Franz Ferdinand
2. John Belushi
1. Niels Bohr