Weekly Whack: An Anatomy of an All-Nighter
An Anatomy of an All-Nighter
December 8, 1996

With my first semester of college coming to an end, and finals quickly approaching, time has been scarce. There always seems to be a paper to write or a test to study for. I have definitely been busy these past few weeks, and one by-product of this has been extreme sleep-deprivation. Sleep is not something that should be taking for granted. Sleep is a luxury. Sleep is the one the of the few things in this world that is absolutely free, but nobody seems to get enough of it. I guess the bottom-line is that sleep takes up way too much time. I'm convinced that the only thing powerful enough to stop me from doing all I want to do is time. Sometimes there just isn't enough time, and you have to make sacrifices. One of the first things that is sacrificed is always sleep. Frequently this results in what is known as the all-nighter.' I've pulled my share of all-nighters, so I figured for this Whack I would share with you a general breakdown of one of my typical all-nighters.

5pm After a hearty dinner of jerk chicken, American goulash, and roasted potatoes, I join in on a intense discussion with some friends of mine. We argue whether Neil Schon of Journey is a better guitar player than Eddie Van Halen, we discuss the improbabilities of a true Utopia on Earth, and we ponder what exactly is the difference is between jerk chicken and normal chicken, and American goulash and just plain crap. Eventually the conversation turns to all the work we each have to finish before the morning. At this point I realize that it's going to take me awhile to finish my five page paper on Cartesian Doubt. I decide that I won't have enough time to both finish my paper and sleep, so thus an all-nighter will be necessary.

6pm I drink a can of Mountain Dew, turn on my computer, and attempt to start my paper. Get as far as writing my name and the title of the paper before I start staring aimlessly at the blinking cursor on my computer screen. The blinking cursor hypnotizes me, and I miraculously remember what I was doing during that missing period of time last Friday between three and four in the morning. It turns out I was on a UFO and all this little grey aliens were standing above me chanting, "Wiggie, wiggie, wiggie."

6:30pm It's time to watch a re-run of The Simpsons on syndication. The paper must be put aside because, as always, The Simpsons must be put first ahead of all other obligations. I realize how much funnier the old episodes were compared to the weak efforts that have been displayed so far during the new season.

7pm After The Simpsons I head out to the bathroom. On the way back to my room I notice a group of my friends watching Jeopardy. Unable to resist the temptation to show off my impressive knowledge of useless trivia, I decide to join them. I sweep the "Seventeenth Century Cuban History" category and I get a standing ovation.

7:30pm I stick around to watch Wheel of Fortune. There's nothing better than making of fun of fools who have to buy the vowel "e" in order to complete the word: T H [blank]. It's the!! What the hell else is it going to be?!! Why waste the money? What else could it be? Tho? Thu? Thi?

8pm I go back to my room and sit in front of my computer. Instead of working on my paper, I start playing hearts on my computer.

11pm I decide I better stop playing hearts. I check my e-mail, and answer all those angry complaints about why the newest Whack is so late. While I'm in the neighborhood I stop over at Feff World, check the guest book to see if there are any new entries, and ponder over who exactly this "Cute-Joke-Lady" really is, and why she must flood my guest book with corny blonde jokes.

Midnight I drink another can of Mountain Dew, and go back to my original objective of finishing my paper.

1:30am I put on the finishing touches.... to my opening paragraph.

2am I decide to take a break. I turn on the TV, and lie on my bed watching an encore presentation of the eleven o'clock news.

4:30am I am jolted awake by the sound of my roommate coming into the room. Since we haven't seen each other on over three weeks, we have a nice conversation. He asks me how I am, and I say, "Fine." I ask him how he is, and he says, "Not bad." Then I look over at my clock to see what time it is, realize I still have a paper to finish, and start screaming like a buck-naked Indian.

5-6:30am In a mad fury I finish up to four pages of my five page paper on Cartesian Doubt. Then I collapse unconscious on the floor next to my desk.

7am I am saved by my friend Noel "Not Bob" Rogers. He breaks down the door to the room, carries me off my floor and on to my bed, and then forces Mountain Dew in my mouth with a tea-spoon until I wake up. I thank him profusely, and then ask him how he knew I was passed out on the floor of my room. He replies that he didn't, and he only broke down my door in order to get into my room and steal my REO Speedwagon greatest hits CD. I explain that it wasn't a right thing to do, but he pleads that he did it because he was helpless since he just loves REO Speedwagon so much.

7:30am I finish the final page of my paper.

8:00am I realize that I have no time to correct all my mistakes, even though when I quickly read over my paper I notice that I wrote an entire paragraph in Spanish for some reason.

8:30am I print out my paper.

8:45am The paper is stapled. I realize that there is no better feeling then stapling a finished paper.

8:50am I start walking to class. I think about how bad this paper is, how I'm going to get a bad grade, bomb the course, lose my scholarships, and wind up cutting olive loaf for old women my entire life. I decide to stop procrastinating, and always work hard from now on.

9am I walk into class, hand in my paper, sit at my desk, and promptly fall asleep.

4:30pm I wake up at my desk in a completely different class where the professor is speaking German. I amaze at the fact that I can understand this professor better than I can normally understand my Philosophy professor.

5pm I go to dinner and repeat the whole process with my six page Literary Analysis paper due tomorrow on the influence of Samuel Beckett on modern drama. I decide to title the paper: "Samuel Beckett: Krapp or Just Plain Crap?"

Anyhoo, it's about time that this Whack is put asleep. So to conclude for this week, Mountain Dew only works if you think it is going to work; you can't blame a man who likes REO Speedwagon too much; and nobody will ever win the war against time.

Now for this week's special feature, Feff's top ten favorite meals served by DAKA, the company in charge of the cafeteria at Drew University:

10. American Goulash
9. Jerk Chicken
8. Jamaican Hamburgers
7. Enchiladas
6. Garden-burgers
5. Fish and Chips
4. Anything with melted cheddar cheese
3. BLT's
2. Grilled cheese sandwiches
1. Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal