Weekly Whack: Home for the Holidays
Home for the Holidays
December 22, 1996

This has been an exhausting week in the whirlwind life of Feff. During this past week I had to study for finals, pack, take finals, leave college, say good-bye to new friends, come home, reunite with old friends, go Christmas shopping, wrap gifts, go back to work to pay for the gifts, and write this, the seventy-fifth Whack in the illustrious history of Feff World. The whole process has left me mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. I'm at the point where before long I am going to fall into a deep coma-like sleep and a team of doctors will have to intravenously feed me grape soda and Pez to keep me alive. But it is Christmas time, I'm jolly, so let's get this damn Whack over with so I can take a nap.

The more things change the more they stay the same. And while I definitely changed during my stay at college, things at work were exactly as I remembered them to be. As you may know from a previous Whack, this past summer I was employed in the appetizing department of the ShopRite of Rockaway in Dover, New Jersey. It wasn't too bad of a job, so when my manager asked if I wanted to come back, since Christmas is a huge cold-cut selling time, I decided to him up on his offer, and make some money while I was home. You see, me and my boss have a good relationship, I think I am doing him a favor by working when it is busy and he need workers, and he thinks he is doing me a favor by giving me a job. But my boss is cool, he's the father of my friend Sticky, who works in produce. It was great, the first thing my boss did when I came back to work was to pull me aside and asked me who he should bet on for the football games Sunday. So I came back to ShopRite after a semester of college, taking courses in philosophy and what-not, a much more cultured version of Feff, but I was welcomed back by the S.O.S, Same Old Shit. It was like welcome back, how was school, now go cut some meat. And it seemed the people who gave me the warmest welcome back were people who never said a word to me when I worked there during the summer. Like my first day back this guy who works in the fish department, who never said a word to me before, comes up to me and was like, "How does it feel to be back? How was school? Did you miss working here?" And I was like, "Can I ask you a question? Who the hell are you?" And all of a sudden it seemed our ShopRite was in this fierce competition with a ShopRite in Roselle Park, New Jersey. All I heard all day was, "Did you hear we beat Roselle Park yesterday?" "Roselle Park topped us in the dairy, but we beat them in the appy." "Work harder Doug, we got to beat The Park again today." I was like, listen I've never been to Roselle Park, I have no clue where the hell it is, and I don't give a crap if the ShopRite I work at sells more groceries than it or not. It's a frigging job, not the decathlon.

Besides working, some things that never change are friends. Well maybe they do change, but we just don't want them to do. We have this set image of what are friends are like, which was formed in the first two weeks we met them, and we fear any deviation from this. Like when you come home from college, and you hang with some friends back home, who also just came back from college, the last thing they want to hear about is what you and your college friends did all semester, and the last thing you want to hear is what they and their college friends did all semester. And this goes doubly so if any of what they say breaks your image of them. For example, I was talking with my friend Steve and he was telling me how he was drinking with his friend Nacho in his dorm room. I was like, listen you're Steve, what gives you the right to have friends of your own. You are the same kid who wore taped-up coke-bottle glasses with Superman logos on them back in sixth grade. You were worst than the kid who got picked last for kickball, you were never picked at all. They used to trade you for a Twinkie and a kick-baller to be named later. The only friends you had were the people, like myself, who were paid by your mom every month. And second of all, when did you all of a sudden start drinking? When did the kid who used to get wasted drinking Kiwi-Strawberry Snapple get transformed into Billy Dee Williams sipping Colt .45? And lastly, what the hell kind of name is Nacho? What do you go to school with a bunch of freaks?

And after that I usually calm down, apologize to him, and tell him about my friend Towel Boy. Anyhoo, enough about friends, let's talk about Christmas. I love Christmas, but I saw two Christmas specials on television that kind of disturbed me. First was the Peanuts' Christmas Special, or something with a title close to that. But I watch it every year, and every year it disturbs me. Is that Charlie Brown guy that much of an idiot? I mean what kind of fool would buy a Christmas tree that is so obviously an utter piece of dog crap? The thing was about two feet high and had about four branches on it. Did he actually pay money for that over-glorified pipe-cleaner? If he did, I have even less respect for him than I already do. Charles Schultz probably wants us to feel sorry for Charlie Brown, but not me, I think he is a damn fool. Sure the show had a happy ending, but that's television. If it was real life, the other kids would beat the crap out of him in a heartbeat. But besides that, the other show that disturbed me was Garfield's Christmas Special. Now what exactly is the deal with Jon. He lives alone in his own house with only a cat and a dog to keep him company. He's gay isn't he? I mean he's got a good job, he seems like an ok guy, and he's not that bad looking, if he was straight he would be married by now. So he has to be gay. Hey, as my father always taught me, if it look likes a duck, and it walks like a duck, chances are that is just may be a duck.

Well I think it's time to wrap this Whack up, so to conclude for this week, work is work; I hope I didn't offend Steve too much; and HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! (or have a happy belated Hanukah if you are Jewish, and if you are atheist, just have a good day)

Now for this weeks very special feature, Feff's top ten nicknames of his friends, and other people's friends:

10. Nacho
9. Big Balls
8. Sith
7. Bob the Jedi Master
6. Not Bob
5. Kawaipunahele
4. Fuzzhead
3. Towel Boy
2. Coddy
1. Sticky