Be My Valentine
February 16,1997

This past Friday was of course Valentine's Day. I'm no historian, but if I remember correctly the whole origin of Valentine's Day involves some guy and a bunch of snakes in Ireland. Uh, wait a minute, I'm wrong, that's St. Patrick's Day. I always get the two confused. I never understood why. I also never understood why I always felt more sentimental on St. Patrick's Day than on Valentine's Day. I guess it is because throughout my life I have always had more luck with potatoes and corn beef and cabbage than with the opposite sex. Once again, I never really understood why. I'd be the first to admit that I'm no Tom Cruise, but I'm also no Tom Arnold either. I'm kind of like the happy medium. But I guess it has something to do with the fact that I express myself better on paper than in person. So while anyone can see the real Feff instantly by reading what I write; it takes a bit longer in person. But nevertheless, I still think that through my own experiences and observations, and the experiences and observations of people close to me, I can adequately write this week's Whack on male/female relationships.

One of my major problems with meeting women involves the initial process of going over to some girl and saying something to her. I am very bad at initiating conversation. I don't break the ice, I let the ice melt for awhile. I guess my problem is that I need a good pick-up line. I have tried a couple, but they just don't seem to work. For example, if I'm at the cafeteria here at school and I see a girl eating alone that appears somewhat attractive, I will approach and have the following conversation:

Me: So, you come here often?

Girl: Of course I come here often, I eat here nearly everyday.

Me: Really, me too. Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: Buy me a drink? What the hell are you talking about? I pay room and board, everything is covered in my meal plan.

Me: Sorry, my bad. I guess I'll just let you go eat in peace now.

Also, at other times when I'm in a lounge in our building, and I see a girl sitting alone reading that seems to have a pulse, I will go up to her and have the following conversation:

Me: So, you live around here?

Girl: Yes I live around here, my dorm is in this building.

Me: Really, mine too. I guess that means that we have something in common.

Girl: I guess.

Me: So, do you like want to go back to my room, and play some Yahtzee?

Girl: Listen, the fact that we both live in the same building doesn't mean anything. Do you know how many other people also live in this building? And second of all, why the hell would I want to play Yahtzee?

Me: I don't know, I guess I thought you may like Yahtzee. It's kind of like poker, but with dice.

Girl: I don't care, just leave me alone, and let me read.

So as you can see, I really not that good at the whole pick-up game. So the only females that I really get to know, and who get to know me, are the ones that I have contact with over extended periods of time. However, these are all friends. While having friends of the opposite sex is great, it can also lead to some tensions. For example, I find it difficult to maintain a friendship with a girl who is unattached. It's just that if I'm friends with this girl, than there must be something about her that I find attractive. So if she is single, and I am single, than some tension is bound to develop. As a result, nearly all of my female friends are firmly attached, so thus I have no problem maintaining a friendship with them without tension. I guess it's just that I will never go after another person's girlfriend, no matter how much I like the girl, or no matter how much I hate the guy.

Talking about girls who are attached, I think that, drawing from my observations, that while a good majority of girls come to college while still maintaining a relationship with a boyfriend back home, a good majority of guys do not. The reason for this is simple, girls are smarter. They use these guys that they have waiting for them back home as insurance. If they have a boyfriend back home, then they will always have the upper-hand in a relationship with a guy at school. It is almost like they can say, "Hey, I don't really need you, I already have someone back home that adores me and treats me like a princess. So if you expect to win me over, you better be something special, or don't even bother trying." That's just too much power for one girl to have. They pretty much use their boyfriends at home as measuring sticks that every guy that they meet at school must try to measure up two. It's almost sickening.

Getting back to that whole topic of male and female friends, whenever you have a group of friends composed of some male and some females, you are always treading on thin ice. I mean the foundation for these friendships are always a bit unstable. All it takes is for a girl and a boy within the group to start going out, and the whole groups starts to crumble. It's a common phenomenon. The guy and the girl who end up going out no longer spend time with the group, but with each other. It only natural. But then the people still left in the group start resenting the guy and the girl who started going out. Then when what is left of the group of friends get together, all they can really talk about is how the two people who started going out, don't spend time with them anymore, and pretty much ignore them. Then, if things aren't bad enough, the couple ends up breaking up. This really screws things up because now the group will never be the same, because the people who broke up won't be able to be around each other, and the rest of the group will just divide themselves between one or the other. Most likely the females member of the group will go with the girl, and the male members towards the guy. So finally you're just left with two groups of friends, one entirely female, and the other entirely male. Thus guys and girls still have long way to go before they can maintain stable friendships with each other, but it will never stop us from trying.

Well I think it's time for me to end my relationship with this Whack, so to conclude for this week, men are from Mars; women are from Venus; and I'm just stuck here in Feff World.

Now for this week's very special feature, the top ten favorite pick-up lines used by Feff:

10. Is that an orange Tic-Tac stuck between your teeth?

9. I can slice a whole bologna while blindfolded

8. Do you want to see a picture of my high school gym teacher?

7. Ever stop and wonder what David Brinkley would look like naked?

6. Was that a REO Speedwagon song you were just whistling?

5. I can down a three liter of pineapple soda in forty seconds

4. You know, my pen can write in zero-gravity

3. My name is Doug, you can call me Mr. Bombastic

2. I'm close personal friends with Steven R. Stanlick

1. Your web page or mine?