Weekly Whack: Bah, Bah, Biologically Cloned Black Sheep
Bah, Bah, Biologically Cloned Black Sheep
March 2, 1997

This past week was definitely a big one in the world of science. History was made in Scotland when scientists announced that an adult male sheep had been successfully cloned. It seemed no group of people seemed more excited at the significance of the breakthrough than the male population of the state of West Virginia. I mean if sheep can be cloned, then single bars will become a thing of the past in West Virginia. But seriously, the fact that an adult sheep has been successfully cloned is exciting news, and news that has ignited much debate and discussion. Personally I thought the whole thing was fantastic, and it sparked my imagination to such a great extent, that I decided to devote this week's Whack to the issue of cloning.

I may be just a layman when it comes to biology, but I still don't understand why anyone would want to clone a sheep. I mean look at them, they all look alike. I don't know about you, but I can't tell the difference between one sheep and another. So what's the difference between a cloned sheep and any other sheep? If you ask me, all sheep look like they are clones. I think there are other animals out there much more worthy of being cloned than sheep. Let's start with endangered species. If you have a species that's beginning to dwindle down in numbers, just start pumping out more copies of them. Just think what that would do to the gaming industry. You hunt down and kill a few white Bengal tigers, make some more clones of them, and then hunt them again. Not only would this be a lot of fun, but it would be a great benefit to tourism in Africa. Third world countries like Zaire or Kenya would be bringing in more dollars from tourism than Disney World, Disney Land, and Epcot Center combined. But besides for hunting, endangered species can serve other useful purposes. Like I bet a buffalo hide coat could really keep a person warm on a frigid winter night. And just imagine all the uses we can find for ivory. Food just tastes better when it is served on ivory plates. Also, I think it's about time that whale blubber became a major source of fuel again. I'm tired of relying on those OPEC countries for all of our fuel. We have to change this by cloning a bunch of whales and tapping their blubber supply. Call me a dreamer, or a crazed visionary, but I envision a world where a man in a buffalo-skin jacket gets into his car made out of ivory, and drives down to the gas station and fills his tank up with whale blubber. That is what we should be striving for. Hopefully someday science will bring us to this promised land.

Besides endangered species, I think that another animal that should be cloned is the horse. I can't think of any real useful purposes for cloning a horse, but it will certainly make a night at the racetrack a whole lot more interesting. It would definitely make a handicapper's job a lot more difficult. How do you pick a favorite for a race that has three different clones of Secretariat? I could just imagine going up to a betting window and saying: "For the second race, give me two dollars across on Seattle Slew 6; and a one dollar exacta box with Secretariat 3, Seattle Slew 6, and Secretariat 7." Can't you just hear the race call for the Kentucky Derby of the future? It would probably be something similar to this:

"It's Alysheba 4 leading Sunday Silence 2 by a nose as we approach the last turn. And it's down the stretch we go!! Alysheba 4 drops back, Seattle Slew 8 comes out of the pack chasing Sunday Silence 2, and Affirmed 5 follows right behind Seattle Slew 8 in the third spot, as Alysheba 4, now in the fourth spot, continues to drop back. And here comes Secretariat 13 coming strong from the outside!! It's Secretariat 13 passing Alysheba 4 and biting on the heels of Affirmed 5. Seattle Slew 8 charges past Sunday Silence 2 who falls back even with Affirmed 5 and Secretariat 13. Secretariat 13 surges by Sunday Silence 2 and Affirmed 5 and is now neck and neck with Seattle Slew 8 as we approach the finish line. As the horses pass the finish line, it looks like we have Secretariat 13 by a nose over Seattle Slew 8, and a photo finish for third place between Sunday Silence 2 and Affirmed 5. What an exciting race, and what a big victory for the winning jockey today, Willie Shoemaker 11."

Don't you see what science has in store for us? I can't wait, it's going to be fantastic.

Anyhoo, besides animals being cloned, I think the possibilities of human cloning must also be discussed for this to be a complete Whack. Personally I think cloning would be kind of cool. But it seems like people get revolted at the very idea of cloning humans. I would love to clone myself. It's not because I think that I'm better than everyone else, it's just that I think that it will kind of neat to raise myself. Think about it. I could make sure that I didn't make all the same mistakes that I made as a youth. I would be like, "Listen Feff 2, don't waste your time trying to learn how to play the accordion. You're just gonna give it up after awhile when you realize that you will never be as good as Weird Al Yankovic. You will be better off using that time to work on your wiffle ball game. I mean you're going to grow up to be a great wiffle ball player, but there is always room for improvement." The only thing is that laws are already being proposed to ban the cloning of humans. In fact, New York may become the first state to pass laws against human cloning. But personally I think that this may actually be a good idea because, hey, Al D'Amato is from New York. You wouldn't want too many of those running around. However I think if there is going to be human cloning, it will be done by major corporations. I can just picture it now: Albert Einstein 2, brought to you by the fine people at Pepsi. Just give it some time, and this sort of crazy stuff will be reality.

Well it's time to stop cloning all the jokes in this Whack, so to conclude for this week, you see one sheep, you've seen them all; I bet the meat from a bald eagle tastes a lot like chicken; and Nike's newest version of Air Jordan's will actually be Air Jordan himself.

Now for this week's very special feature, the top five people who Feff thinks should NOT be cloned under any circumstances:

5. Adolf Hitler
4. Noel "Not Bob" Rogers
3. Phil Collins
2. Chelsea Clinton
1. Jim Jay Bullock

And of course we must also have the top five people who Feff thinks should be cloned:

5. Neal Schon
4. James K. Polk
3. Nikki Cox (the chick from the tv show "Unhappily Ever After")
2. Reggie Jackson
1. Niels Bohr