Weekly Whack: The Official Feff World Chain Letter
The Official Feff World Chain Letter
March 9, 1997

With a tremendous increase in the number of people who are being connected to the Internet, many drawbacks are being felt by the long-time citizens of this virtual world. For example, when you try to connect to any Internet provider, you are barraged by more busy signals then trying to call in on Larry King Live when Ross Perot is the guest. And the network lag is getting so bad that traveling on the "Information Superhighway" is beginning to feel like being on the Cross-Bronx Expressway after a Yankee game. But worst of all, a lot of people are beginning to have the ability to e-mail who really shouldn't. A direct result of this, is the increase of digital chain letters spreading via e-mail around the Internet. I hate chain letters, and I hate people who spread chain letters. It seems everyone who I've recently giving my e-mail address out to has failed to use it to actually write to me, but to forwarded me chain letter after chain letter after chain letter. It's ridiculous, but if you can't beat them, then join them. And that is what I did by writing my own chain letter. I hope you enjoy it, and be sure to forward it to ten of your friends, unless you actually value them as friends.

WARNING: This is a serious chain letter. This letter is unique in that it carries with it an ancient curse that is older than Man himself. Milton describes in Book 1 of his epic poem Paradise Lost that it is this chain letter that was created by Satan and his army of fallen angels for the sole purpose of destroying God's newest creation, Man. A brief history of what sort of evil this chain letter carries is appropriate at this time.

In the beginning of time, Satan sent this chain letter to Eve with the strict instructions that if she didn't forward it to ten of her friends then she would be the victim of bad luck. Since there was only one other person on Earth at the time, she couldn't possibly do that. Consequently it was not too long after she received the chain letter that she ate the apple and was expelled from the Garden of Eden, taking the innocence of Man along with her.

Unfortunately Eve was only the first in a long string of victims of this chain letter. Some others stories include:

This chain letter did in the dinosaurs, not a comet.
Able got this chain letter shortly before being slain by Cain.
Jesus was crucified shortly after not forwarding this chain letter to ten of his disciples.
Countless citizens of Rome defied the demands of this chain letter shortly before the once proud empire fell.
Not one of Henry VIII's wives kept this chain letter going.
Duncan broke this chain letter during Act II- Scene 2 of Macbeth.
Napoleon got this chain letter before going to Waterloo.
General Lee broke the chain before Gettysburg.
Abraham Lincoln thought celebrating the Civil War was more important than keeping this chain letter going.
Archduke Franz Ferdinand's breaking of this chain letter lead to a series of bad luck that ultimately resulted in World War One.
The only think that was capable of sinking the Titanic was this chain letter.
Millions of Jews broke this chain letter before the Holocaust. John Kennedy, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, and Robert Kennedy all broke this chain letter during the 1960's.
Boston Red Sox first basemen Bill Buckner thought this chain letter was foolish, and didn't send it to any of his teammates during the 1986 World Series.
President Bill Clinton broke this chain letter before marrying Hillary. Upon receiving this chain letter, O.J. Simpson slashed it repeatedly with a knife.
Noel "Not Bob" Rogers was too busy sleeping to send out this chain letter, and he was subsequently kicked out of Drew University.
Darth Vader ignored this chain letter during Return of the Jedi.
And in one of the worse cases of all: Dustin Hoffman broke this chain letter shortly before agreeing to make the movie Ishtar.

However this chain letter is not all evil. There is good luck that will be awarded to those who obey the demands of this chain letter. For example:

It took the power of this chain letter to get President Clinton four more years in the White House.
Magician David Copperfield obeyed this chain letter and ended up marrying model Claudia Schiffer.
Although sending this chain letter to a dean got Bill Gates kicked out of Harvard, the good luck it brought definitely helped him out in the long run.
New York Jet QB Joe Namath sent this chain letter to ten of his friends shortly before winning Superbowl III.
The guy who invented the hula-hoop didn't disobey this chain letter. Nobel Prize-winning chemist Niels Bohr kept this chain letter going shortly before developing the quantizied model of the atom.
Teddy Roosevelt didn't break the chain before storming San Juan Hill. Fortinbras was one of the few characters to keep this chain letter going during Hamlet.
Christopher Columbus wisely forwarded this chain letter to ten of his mates on the Santa Maria shortly before discovering the New World.
And in the most dramatic cases of all: After first breaking the chain, Jesus then forwarded the letter to ten of his friends in heaven, and in only three days he was resurrected!!!!!

So I urge you to take this chain letter and forward it to ten of your friends. The future of humanity is at stake!!!!

Well that's it, I hope you didn't take it too seriously or certain sections may have been offensive. But I think it's time to break the chain for this Whack, so to conclude for this week, all good luck and misfortune associated with chain letters are purely coincidental; Ishtar was a really bad movie; and a lot of people die in Shakespeare plays.

Well now for this week's special, yet unrelated feature, Feff's top ten favorite subjects for top ten lists:

10. Top Ten Favorite Functions of a Swiss Army Knife
9. Top Ten Favorite Kinds of Pepperidge Farm Cookies
8. Top Ten Favorite Reasons Why Hawaiians are Inferior to Everybody Else
7. Top Ten Favorite Battles in the Boer War
6. Top Ten Favorite Uses of a Rotten Apple
5. Top Ten Favorite Places to go While in Uruguay
4. Top Ten Favorite Days of the Week
3. Top Ten Favorite Recipes Using Wheat Germ
2. Top Ten Favorite Eskimo Words for Snow
1. Top Ten Favorite Reasons Why Feff World is a Cry for Help