Weekly Whack: Easter, and Other Cult Rituals
Easter, and Other Cult Rituals
March 30, 1997

This Sunday was the single most holiest day in the Christian calender, Easter. However this Saturday was the single most holiest day in Feff's calendar, the NCAA Final Four. I guess you can call me a heathen, but I have received more spiritual inspiration throughout my life watching college basketball than going to church. When you go to church, you learn about a book, which is just a re-hash of ancient myths, that has been written, rewritten, amended, reduced, translated, and re-translated so many times through the years that it has lost all meaning. However when you watch college basketball, you learn first hand about success, failure, teamwork, friendship, hard work, dedication, fair play, luck, leadership, valor, courage, etc. Now I will be the first to admit that I'm being a bit over-dramatic, since the bottom line is that it is just a simple basketball game. Yet with all their ceremonies, rituals, rules, practices, pomp, and circumstance, I think religions are also being over-dramatic. The bottom line is that the things religion preach about, morality, faith, and the human spirit, are all simple things, that need to be taught about simply. This Whack will try and tackle this controversial issue, and explore it more in depth.

This past Friday was the Christian holy day of Good Friday, when Jesus was crucified at the cross. On Friday I woke up, played tennis from like ten to three thirty, went out with some friends of mine, and ate a big ol' quarter pound Wendy's hamburger. I would have to say that it was definitely a good Friday. However if you read the fine print of the Bible, it says I sinned, and since I have no plans on going to confession, or atoning for my sins, it looks like I'm going to Hell. I could just imagine being in the fiery pits of Hell, hanging out with Hitler and Jeffery Dahmer. They would be bragging about how many people they killed, and I would be talking about how I liked sleeping late on Sundays and how the mouth watering taste of a Wendy's hamburger was too much for me to resist. Jimmy Buffet may sing about a cheeseburger in paradise, but according to the Catholic religion, a cheeseburger is more likely to get you in Hell than in paradise. Now I have no problem with following rules, but I have just one requirement, the rules must make sense. In my opinion, many of the rules that come with organized religion just don't make sense, which is why I have lost my tolerance for organized religion at such a young age.

I haven't been to church in over a year. You want to know what else I haven't done in over a year? I haven't committed any major crimes, felonies, misdemeanors, or even traffic violations. I didn't steal anything, kill anybody, or even covet my neighbor's wife. I'll put my record against any regular church-goer any day. For the holy season of Lent, I gave up smoking, drugs, alcohol, and casual sex. It was very easy to keep since these are all things I just don't do regardless of what season it is. The reason I don't do these things is not because my religion tells me not to, or because I fear being punished, but because they are wrong, plain and simple. I always try to avoid doing things that are physically or morally detrimental. And I don't do this to please my parents, my priest, or my God; but to please myself. Yet since I don't go to church, or follow all of their little rules, I am just as bad as someone who kills, or steals, or cheats. I am a sinner. I am what is bringing the world towards evil. I'm a clean and sober morally straight-laced nineteen year-old male; but my religion rejects me as a cancer.

Now I'm not writing this to make myself out to look like a saint, because I know that I'm not. I writing this to make a point. And my point is NOT that religion is bad. Religion is necessary in this world. I'm not an atheist. I am a strong believer in the duality of man, and the existence of the soul, and I am quite spiritual at times. However my beliefs differ than that of most Catholics. The reason for this is that instead of getting all my spiritual knowledge from one source, I tried many. And unlike the Catholic church, my belief system is subject to change. I am constantly modifying my belief system when I find faults in it. However everybody needs some sort of faith in this world. If you don't have faith, all you have is what is part of the material world, and that is not much. Anyhoo, what my point really is, is that religions have to come up with a better way to teach morality. The fear tactics just aren't working anymore. The moral decadence in this world is incredible, which is proof that religion is not doing its job. A good example of this moral decadence involves a story about a friend of mine, who will only be referred to as guy A:

Guy A from New Jersey met girl A from Virginia in an AOL chat room, from where they developed an e- mail relationship, and eventually a phone relationship. During Thanksgiving, guy A visits girl A in Virginia, and has a grand old time. Girl A makes plans to visit guy A in New Jersey during Easter. A week before girl A visits, guy A meets girl B, who works at the store where guy A's brother is a manager. Guy A likes girl B. Guy A loses interest in girl A. Girl A comes to New Jersey. Guy A invites me over so I can entertain girl A while he talks to girl B on the phone. Guy A then tells girls A that he is going out with me, leaving her home to hang out with his sister. In reality guy A is going out with me, his brother, his brother's girlfriend, and of course girl B. The next day, guy A goes to the mall with girl A, his friend- guy B, guy B's quasi-girlfriend, myself, my brother, and my brother's girlfriend. Guy A acts like a real dick, and doesn't talk to anybody. Annoyed at the way he is acting, guy B takes guy A home, before the rest of us, including girl A, go play pool. When he gets home, guy A calls girl B, and they end up going bowling together with guy A's brother and his girlfriend. The rest of play pool, and eventually girl A ends up at guy B's house late at night. So thus guy A ended up with girl B, girl A ended up with guy B, and I ended up home watching infomercials without girl A through Z.

The moral of this story was: nothing!! That was the whole point of this story, to show that there were absolutely no morals in it.

Well I also wanted to talk about those freaks in San Diego who killed themselves because of the comet, but I think I've said enough for one week. But if you are going to devote your life to something you find on the Internet, you best bet is to make it Feff World. Anyway, it's time to wrap up this Whack, so to conclude for this week, guys A and B, and girl A all need a good dose of morality; this Whack was missing its regular dose of punch lines; and I can't believe I did an entire Whack on religion without mentioning Ed Vergano.

Now for this weeks very special feature, Feff's top ten favorite possible topics of next week's purely comical, non- controversial Whack, to make up for the preachiness of this week's:

10. Scott Ikeda
9. Halogen Lamps
8. Rotary-Dial Telephones
7. Rain
6. Asbestos
5. The Magic of Aloe
4. AM Radio
3. Thumb Tacks
2. VHS vs. Beta
1. Those Zany Canadians