Looking Into the Future
April 6, 1997

There is much speculation on whether humans can possess the ability to look into the future. Believers agree that certain gifted people have the true ability to see into the future just as easily as a common person can hit the fast-forward button on their VCR clicker. Cynics, on the other hand, just think that the whole thing is just a bunch of bunk. Luckily, I had the opportunity to judge the whole phenomenon myself. This past Thursday, my school hosted a psychic fair, and students were able to attend a handwriting analyst, a tarot card reader, and a palm reader, all free of charge. I entered the psychic fair with a rather open mind, and I tried not to be a skeptic, but I just couldn't help finding whole thing rather comical. I mean I'm not ruling out the possibility of these sort of psychic powers existing, but I can assure you that there wasn't anybody possessing these powers at the Drew University Psychic Fair. But anyhoo, I don't think I'll say anymore, and just give you this week's Whack on psychics.

Ha ha!! Happy belated April Fools Day! This Whack is not really on psychics, it is actually about different brands of cheese. So let's start by discussing the pros and cons of eating white American cheese rather than yellow. Actually I'm lying. This Whack is in fact about psychics, I just wanted to throw you off for a bit. But anyway, I didn't really have a whole lot of time to spend at the psychic fair, so I was unable to attend the handwriting analyst or the tarot card reader. Honestly I was kind of apprehensive about having my handwriting analyzed, so I wasn't too distraught that I missed out on it. I mean I have some pretty messed up handwriting. First of all I don't write in script anymore; I print in small, capital letters. Second of all, although I am right-handed, I write like a lefty. Ever watch a freak left-handed person write? Well I do it the same way, but with my right hand. Consequently I write all my letters backwards. I remember once in my high school algebra class I derived this huge equation at the blackboard, and all my teacher could comment on was about how every single one of my "y's" were written backwards. I mean I freaking solved Fermat's Theorem, and all anybody noticed was that my letters were all screwed up. That's why I didn't want to go to the handwriting analyst. I was that afraid she would see my style of writing and say that I am the next antichrist or something. Then again after last week's Whack, many people would probably agree that she isn't that far off.

I also wasn't too eager to visit the tarot card reader, so I had no problem on skipping her. It's just that I had a bad past experience involving tarot cards. I once played poker with some friends of mine using a tarot deck. It was all going good until I got dealt a full house, and three people died. So I have a natural bias against tarot cards. But I did stay to see the palm reader, since I figured that would be neat. However the line to see her was rather long, and she spending a long time with each person. I was on line for well over an hour, and I was getting pretty perturbed. I mean how long does it take to read a palm? If I was the palm reader it would have been a lot quicker. I'd be like, "This lines means you're going to get married, this lines means you're going to have two kids, and this line means you're going to die of heart disease at the age of 53. Thank you. Next!" But they did have a magician to entertain the people on line, so it wasn't too bad. The magician was pretty good, and he made me wonder where the line is drawn between a really good trick, and pure magic. I mean David Copperfield makes the Statue of Liberty disappear, and we all say, "Wow, what a great trick." Maybe it wasn't a trick. Maybe he actually did make the Statue of Liberty disappear. Whose to say that David Copperfield doesn't actually have genuine magical powers? He could be like a wizard or something. What does he have to do for the public to finally say, "You know, I don't think that was a trick, I think this guy really is magic." I mean David Copperfield could make all the planets in the solar system disappear and then make them reappear in alphabetical order, and we would all be like, "Whoa, he must really have some quick hands." I guess this is what you can expect living in these cynical times. A thousand years ago Copperfield would have been revered as a God, but today he's just a good Vegas act.

Anyhoo, I did eventually get to the palm reader, and we had the following exchange:

Me: What can you tell me by looking at my palm?
Her: Well first of all I can say that you never worked an honest day in your life, I mean these hands are smoother than a baby's ass.
Me: Well I use a soap that has a moisturizer in it.
Her: Ah yes, now I see the line that indicates just that.
Me: There's a line on my palm that shows that I use a moisturizing soap?
Her: Sure there are lines for everything. For example, this line indicates that you secretly wish that they still made rotary-dial telephones.
Me: Wow, that's amazing! What does this line mean?
Her: Oh, this shows that you will write you next Whack about your experience at this psychic fair.
Me: Really? I was going to write it about different brands of cheese.
Her: That's stupid, no one really cares about cheese.
Me: That's not true, you gotta love cheese. But anyway, tell me what else can you say about my future?
Her: I see a lot of empty Orange Tic Tac containers.
Me: Come on, tell me something not so obvious. Will there be romance in my life in the near future?
Her: Not if you keep using a moisturizing soap. How many girls do you know that are attracted to guys with smooth hands?
Me: You're no help. Can you at least tell me if I will be rich and famous?
Her: Well looking at your palm I can only give you one good point of advice, don't quit your day job.

So as you can see, I have pretty good reason to be skeptical about psychics. I also have pretty good reason to put this Whack about the future in the past, so to conclude for this week, David Copperfield is a wizard; rotary telephones were the greatest; and I bet Fermat never wrote his "y's" backwards.

Now for this week's very special feature, Feff's top ten favorite predictions for the future of Feff World:

10. Celebrity endorsements

9. Whacks in Spanish

8. Two guest books: One for Noel Rogers, and one for everybody else

7. Another chapter of Life in Agnew Valley (someday)

6. Less pictures of Joe, so small children aren't scared away

5. More information about the plight of the mudpuppy, and what you can do

4. The first ever on-line Coke vs. Pepsi taste test

3. Some inspirational poems from seventeenth century English poets (yeah, right)

2. A Feff World Cult

1. Less Whacks, more porn