Weekly Whack: Drink to This
Drink to This
April 27, 1997

I think it's time we reconsidered prohibition. Fine, I'll admit that prohibition is a bit too extreme, but I definitely think that we should pay a lot more attention to the effects alcohol is having on destroying society. I would never agree that outlawing alcohol is the solution since that would go against all my basic beliefs as a card- carrying Libertarian (I don't pay any dues or anything, they just sent me a card, so I carry it). However we must realize that in a free society there comes a great deal of responsibility in how we handle our freedom. And personally, I don't think that many people are very responsible when it comes to alcohol consumption. Now I'm not going to use this Whack to preach about the dangers of drinking and what not, because I don't believe it is my place to. However I will use this Whack to retell two somewhat humorous stories involving people who were not too responsible when they were drinking.

The college I attend is not much different than most other. Albeit there aren't any fraternities or anything, but it would be naive to say that there isn't a substantial amount of drinking going on. I've been to a few parties here, and I discovered that they weren't for me. They were mostly all drinking and loud music, and I am more of a Snapple and Journey type of guy. But if you prefer the former, I have no problem with that, whatever floats your boat. However when you drink a lot of Snapple you only have to worry about getting a filled bladder, an upset stomach, and a sugar rush; but you have a lot more to worry about when your dealing with alcohol. For example, I remember a story involving a friend of mine here when he had a little too much to drink last semester. Now since this occurred on a weekend during the fall, I was not there because I was off searching the far reaches of Northern New Jersey for a good high school football game. But I heard the story from many reliable sources who witnessed it, so I can vouch for its validity. You see, it seems this friend of mine had a bit too much to drink and was stumbling around the hall when he found a fire extinguisher. He proceeded to take the fire extinguisher, start yelling "Stop, drop and roll!!! Stop, drop, and roll!!!" and spray the extinguisher as he rolled up and down the floor. Now I guess it was good that he remembered proper fire safety while in an inebriated state, but that's just nuts. I mean I comeback to school on Sunday and there is the residue from a fire extinguisher all over the floor, and some of that stuff can be toxic.

Well on to the next story. My friend Steve, whom I've known since middle school days (you may be familiar with him if you frequent the guestbook), always complains to me that I should write a Whack about him since he's such a cool guy. Well Steve, this is what you have always asked for, so I hope you enjoy your fifteen minutes of Feff World fame. Anyhoo, Steve attends some five and dime "educational institution" known as Western New England College. Before Steve went to college, he was pretty much a straight-shooting guy. He always rose above peer pressure and never drank or what not. However this quickly changed. It was not long before Steve was calling me from college telling me stories about him getting drunk and doing such stuff as getting written up for wrestling in the middle of the hallway, cutting himself when he fell and hit a light socket, and spilling beer on his roommate's shoes. I was quite vocal with Steve about my disapproval of his behavior, but I was able to reluctantly accept it. However that kind of changed with a phone call I received from him about a week ago.

As I mentioned, Steve called me, and I hadn't talked to him in awhile, so we exchanged greetings, and I asked him if he was drunk, since that is a relevant question now with Steve. He said "No, that was Friday night." I was like, "Oh really, you got drunk Friday night, did you spill beer on your roommate's shoes again?" He answered, "No, I didn't do that." "Well then what did you do?" I inquired. "I can't tell you." Steve responded. "Why not?" I further inquired. "I just can't, and I don't really remember what happened, just what people told me." Steve replied. "Ok Steve, how fat was the girl?" I asked, trying to get to the bottom of things. "No! It wasn't that!" Steve retorted. Meanwhile I hear people in the background yelling at him to tell me. So I tell Steve to put one of them on, and he refuses. Finally, his roommate grabs the phone and starts talking to me. First he warns me that what he was about to tell me may destroy my opinion of Steve forever. After assuring him that I knew Steve for awhile and that it would take a lot to destroy my current opinion of him, he told me a rather funny, yet disturbing story.

You see, it seems Steve was participating in some sort of drinking game, and ended up drinking around nine cans of beer in a little over an hour. Since Steve is not the biggest of guys, that large amount of alcohol intake had to have an profound impact on him. He was pretty much acting like a fool while everyone in his room was making fun of him, and then he eventually passed out on his bed. Ok, this where we get to the good part. Steve wakes up, walks to a chair in his room, pushes off the guy who was sitting on it at the time, and takes a seat. From there Steve proceeds to remove his pants (to the horror of the eight guys that were still in his room), whip out his Captain Nemo, and piss out the waste from nine cans of beer all over himself, the chair, and the floor. He then falls asleep on the chair with his pants still down, still sitting in his own urine. From what his roommate told me, Steve is now quite the celebrity up at Western New England College. In facts everyone there calls him the Whiz Kid now. It must really piss him off (no pun attended).

Well I think it's time to say "when" to this Whack, so to conclude for this week, I'll take kiwi-strawberry Snapple over beer any day; Steve is a fool, be we love him anyway; and whether you are drunk or sober: Only YOU can prevent a forest fire.

Now for this week's very special feature, Feff's top ten favorite non-alcoholic beverages:

10. Kiwi-Strawberry Snapple
9. Dr. Pepper
8. Pineapple-Orange Juice
7. Tampico
6. Black Cherry Soda
5. Orange Julius
4. Stewart's Root Beer
3. Snapple Orangeade
2. Sarsaparilla
1. Pineapple Soda